Hello browneyes82,

You have taken an important first step in posting here about what is going on in your life. Now that you have put it into words you can start to build on that foundation and make a better future for yourself and especially for your vulnerable children.

Although it is impossible to be sure when looking from a distance, it does seem as if your husband has become addicted to alcohol and other chemicals. If this is the case and nothing is done, experience shows that the problem will get much worse. Therefore there are two issues that you may want to address urgently – getting your husband to deal with his problem and secondly, your own reaction to what he is doing.

You cannot force your husband to stop drinking or using but that does not mean that all hope is lost. Talk to him when he is sober and tell him how concerned you are. Let him know that there is help available and encourage him to look for that help, maybe starting with Alcoholics Anonymous. He may well react badly to what you are saying, may even deny that there is a problem and will more than likely try to shift the blame to you, accusing you of doing or not doing all sorts of things. This would be typical alcoholic behaviour so be prepared and don’t fall for it. Always keep the thought to the forefront of your mind that you are not to blame for your husband’s drinking. Keep your cool and don’t get into a shouting match. Also, try not to judge your husband but make it clear that you are no longer prepared to accept things as they are.

The second thing that you may want to consider is your own part in all of this. Like I stated above, you are not to blame and you are not responsible for your husband’s drinking. However, unknown to yourself and despite your best intentions, you may actually be prolonging the agony. Take a look at a couple of posts below on the subject of enabling. In order for your husband to get well, you may have to step back and stop picking up the pieces when he messes up. This is a delicate balancing act, especially where there are children involved. Therefore, I would suggest that you too would need to get face to face help and a good place to get that help is at Al-Anon meetings in your locality.

As a surviving child of adult parent in alcoholic family, my first question is do you have a safe place to get to with your children? When my dad got drunk he got violent and it was very heartbreaking and damaging, even though I was 4 years old when mom finally left him, it caused great fear in my life. There are programs for families of alcoholics/addicts but if he isn't ready to give it up, then you may have to begin to consider the safety of your family. I am now married to a recovering addict who has 24 years clean and even that is tough- he still goes to NA meetings and also celebrate recovery. praying for you

Hi browneyes82 ,
First of all, you should talk with your partner when he is sober and let him understand the difficulties you are dealing with. It's not an easy task, but you have to try it out. I appreciate your decision of not wanting a divorce! Divorce won't be a solution for this problem. As he is addicted to both alcohol and drugs, it would be a difficult task to change him! Try your best to convince him. If you couldn't, seek help from a professional addiction treatment centre. I would suggest you Edgewood Health Network in Toronto ( http://edgewoodhealthnetwork.com/ ). Or try some similar centres. God bless!

In my humble opinion, your husband is no longer married to you. He is married to his bottle and drugs! They mean more to him then his family does!
I was raised in an alcoholic home where both my parents drank and from experience, I can honestly say that it you don't do something then your problems will get far worse down the road! If you want to continue to raise your kids alone, while watching your husband commit a slow suicide, then that's up to you, but understand that your kids will suffer also.

I swore I would never touch alcohol after seeing how it killed both my parents and that little kid inside me never grew up due to the neglect of a drinking parent so for most of my adult life, I made poor decisions in some very important areas of my life from the person I married to the job I worked. I hated my job and as I got older, it became more difficult for me to do because there was alot of heavy lifting involved. I was prescribed narcotic pain meds, and that was all it took! I had a new lover in my life and I was off to the races and closer to death then I ever thought I would be. I spent 3 days in the hospital on death's doorstep. I started drinking when I couldn't find anymore drugs and that's why I am here.
I am sorry to be so harsh but serious problems require serious choices to be made.
You can easily see what your husband's problem is doing to him but Look and what his drinking is doing to YOU and your kids! You need alot of support for yourself, and Alanon is a great place to find that support. I have been to their meetings and they are extremely helpful and I highly recommend. You can google meetings in your area. In the meantime, we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

If you want to get your ass beat every night, that's up to you. But you do not have the right to subject your children to this hell. My answer is clear. Get those kids to a safe environment. Or someone down the way will call CPS and they will. Please don't let this guy be mean to them. Pick your children's well being, rather than his. Good luck.