I'm dealing with this also. It sucks! My AH acts as he has done nothing wrong. He even admitted the other night that drinking was more important than our family. It is such a selfish disease!

What I don't understand why he would choose to pick up a drink after weeks of sobriety. That is a conscious choice. That is different than picking up a drink and not being able to stop at just one or two.

I guess choosing to drink again is the selfishness. He cares more about drinking than his marriage and kids.

Good morning Hope. It looks pretty bleak right now, but the fact that he did stop for a couple of weeks is at least a small glimmer of hope. I was a dry drunk for 7 years and had a glass of wine for no particular reason. Within weeks I was a bigger drunk than ever before. It is true that drinking is just a symptom. To stop drinking is not sobriety. Many things need to be fixed, but he needs to stop drinking first. He needs AA so sober drunks can help him before he kills someone. It's a miraculous program. You might want to check into al-anon or atleast some al-anon literature. It has helped my girlfriend to focus on herself rather than my recovery. Both of us are grateful for al-anon. Finally, as silly as this sounds, a $35 breathalyzer is the best investment I ever made. I blow whenever my girlfriend or anyone else asks me to, .00 appears and we all move on with our day without any suspicion or doubt. Make sure you take care of yourself. It's easy for me to say, but I would call the police anytime you think he is drunk driving. Other than that, keep the focus on you. I'll pray for you.

Hello hope0612,

The actions of an active alcoholic can be difficult to understand unless you have been in that position yourself. Although your AH may seem to care more about drinking than his marriage and children and his promises seem empty, that is not necessarily the case and there is actually an explanation for his seemingly uncaring behaviour.

If your guy is an alcoholic he is suffering from an urge to drink that is so strong that it has become an obsession. My guess is that when he makes those promises not to drink again he is completely genuine. When the obsession for alcohol becomes strong enough no amount of willpower can keep it at bay. He may actually be very determined to stay sober but at some point the obsession is going to overcome his willpower and he will drink again. My own experience was that while I had that obsession I found it impossible to stay sober on my own but with help I could do the seemingly impossible.

There is hope if he is willing to accept that he cannot drink again and agrees to seek help. He may need a bit of persuasion in order to do that but this is where it would be wise for you to exercise caution. There are right ways and wrong ways to handle an alcoholic family member and Al-Anon could give you a lot of help in that department.

It is common for people whose drinking is out of control to believe that they are not alcoholics and that it is really not that bad. The obsession again plays a part in this wrong thinking. At a subconscious level your guy probably believes strongly that he needs alcohol in order to function and survive. In such cases the mind will constantly be coming up with good reasons for drinking, even though the person has made a conscious decision to stay sober. The AA approach allows alcoholics to find a means of completely removing that obsession so that alcohol is no longer in the equation.

It is frustrating for you that he keeps doing the same thing over and over. This is known as the insanity of alcoholism, where an alcoholic will cast aside all thoughts of what happened the previous times that he took a drink. Such a person is defenceless against the thinking that leads up to taking the first drink.

My suggestion to you is to go to Al-Anon and learn to look after yourself. You can also learn how to deal with an alcoholic family member. You can encourage him to go to AA and it may well be that he would never drink again. Alternatively, if he chooses not to get sober you can learn how to live with an active alcoholic or decide if you would be better off without him.

You are angry and disappointed and although that is understandable it will not solve the problem. There is hope for the future but it will take action on the part of both your AH and yourself.

Agree with PJ. I got sober when my babies were 2 and 6, 6. I love them more than life itself and did when I was drinking too. I couldnt stay sober for them. I tried and failed for 5 years on and off. I can assure you I personally didnt fail because I didnt love my children. I did. Failure was horrible. I finally got help and AA tought me to stay sober a day at a time. Until your husband can admit to the core that he's alcoholic, he'll likely keep failing to stay sober.
But YOU can be healthy. I'd suggest ALANON. It will help you, your family, and your own health and well being.

PJ --you give quite the lecture. Does that work well for you? By the way, I am an alcoholic. I quit drinking three years ago. i know what it is like to crave a drink. I know that if i pick up a drink I will want another and another. I also know that it is a choice.

He is choosing to drink. He was sober, his cravings were manageable and lessening (or so he said) and he chose to go to a store and buy an expensive bottle of vodka to slug down in his car because he deserved it for his birthday.

My husband is in AA. And yes, i am angry.

Sometimes its best for you and you children to leave him. That is something that know one other than you can decide. I know very little about you relationship to give advice other than tell you that it is your choice. I gave up on my alcoholic wife because there was no love. I learned what love is and what love is not. Looking back, I made the right decision.

Hello hope0612,

I can understand your anger and I sympathise with you but that wont do you much good. I have no desire to lecture you any more than I would have listened to lectures from other people it is a useless exercise. What I try to do is to analyse what people post and reply with what I think would help them, based not on any expertise but purely on my own experience. You will of course get a different viewpoint from other people and you are at liberty to accept or reject some or all opinions expressed here.

Well done on quitting drinking three years ago that will give you some understanding of what your husband is going through. You do not now have an obsession for alcohol and presumably you do not have a desire to drink. You have a choice over whether to take a drink or not and you have sound and sane judgement where alcohol is concerned. Unfortunately your husband is not in that same state of mind and because of the obsession for alcohol he does not have a choice about whether to drink or not. He does have a choice about whether to continue drinking or seek help. He stopped drinking before but he did not address the issues that caused him to drink so he drank again. He can still choose to address those issues but being in AA is not enough he needs to take action in AA to change his thinking and if he does that he will have a good chance of not drinking again.

Like I said, your anger is understandable but unfortunately it will not solve the problem but will instead leave you feeling bitter and resentful. If you can step back a little and look at what positive action you and your husband can take maybe life would be better for both of you.

I do not set out to arouse controversy about alcoholism as it serves no purpose and for that reason I avoid engaging in debates about it. Therefore, as my last word on the subject of your post, I would like to wish you well and I sincerely hope that there will be a happy outcome for your family.

Man I can remember doing that same sit. Thanks for the memory!
I will pray for you and him. 1-2

PJ -- your posts are lectures. You aren't arousing controversy but your know-it-all tone is a bit off putting. But that's okay. I'm sure there are others here who like that sort of thing.

impermanace -- it pains my heart to think that I might have to leave him. I thought he was going to make it, now I don't know. Worse still is that I don't know if my staying with him is helping him or hurting him.

If I could have snapped my fingers and be divorced the first time he fell off the wagon after his jail time I would have. The act of divorce and the lawyers and financial stress that comes with it seems like it would be an awful time to go through. Plus one of our kids is getting married -- this makes it more complicated.

Not easy to figure this out. I don't have internal clarity on the best action to take.

Hi, Hope
I was like your husband many years ago! In fact I too ended up in AA and did a lot of time in therapy as well.I really had to want something different after getting sober Soo that I could hear what I needed to hear and learn to adjust from there. The formula to anything I;ve done for my own best interest was that change occurs when the resistance I have is replaced by the desire to hear and pursue a break through I identify with without basing it on another person's need to pontificate their method received in ideological term's. I honestly believe that's why many today think AA is a cult because of the rhetoric dispersed as a opinion instead of just a more common way of expressing ourselves with our experience without the need to disburse our opinion:(( ! Advice kills alkies is what I heard in AA and in therapy , Alanon and from my sponsor Bill H I heard the best thing I can do when dealing with anyone is to pay attention to myself, that's where I'll find the answers I'm seeking :))

Billy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCCGZh-TxK0

Thanks Billy. The song was good for me to hear tonight.

I think I get what you are saying about AA. I am hoping that my AH can find what he needs from it or if not AA, then from another source.

I have never been in your situation, well once kinda sorta. It was with a girlfriend that was a booze hound. I knew she was trouble very early in the relationship, but stayed in it for 6 months and then went back and forth for another six months, before leaving. I can only imagine how gut wrenching and confusing it is in the context of your long term committed marriage, with children too.

Now for the cliche...Well actually a line from an old movie. "I can't help him by staying. May be I can help him by leaving." Doris Day "The Winning Team"

The time to leave might not be now, and may not come. However, may be the time to leave will be clearer when it does.

In any case there really aren't many words or things I can say to ease the heartache, except you are a very strong, compassionate, and capable woman for not acting like a damned fool and sitting on a bar stool with him...

My AH decided to pick up that bottle after 6 years! 6 years! WTH? I also understand not wanting to leave him because what is going on in your lives, but then again, is there ever a good time to leave someone? ;-) Kudos on your sobriety!

Thanks Iwantadoover -- sorry you are dealing with a husband who is drinking again.

My AH started drinking on Monday and has been drinking every day since then. At least when I asked him earlier if he was he was honest about it. Not totally wasted (yet).

A movie came on television that he hasn't seen. I was going to ask him if he wanted to watch. Then I remembered that he won't be able to follow the plot, won't be able to talk clearly, and he'd rather just hang out in his office until he passes out anyway.