The other day I was trying to see exactly what sobriety has done for me.  I do see how it has allowed me to manage a life in a way that is better than it used to be when I really didn't have any power to care about anything others demanded of me.  

I was remembering how when I was drinking and using drugs I never had a positive bank account, it was always negative.  For several years now It's always been in the green.  The worry about it, is still there, and I know that is all ego.  Whether rich or poor, my ego is going to find something wrong, with an income, there or not.  

I was thinking how I used to be so anti-prayer too.  I was anti-God, anti-anything loving really.  I am at a point where my sobriety is taking a little work to be seen as something necessary.  My brain keeps recurring a thought that I got a raw deal a few months ago and some unfortunate news as well, and the pity party has been brewing constantly. 

My body isn't cooperating as much as it has in the past, it simply won't go and do the things that are necessary for me to maintain health, physically and mentally, so the gratitude list, and prayer are a nice safety net. 

I am grateful that I do live in America, and that if I lived in another country, I might not be able to even go to AA, or talk about my drinking and drug use openly and honestly.  I heard of a country the other day that fines you if you chew gum.  Grateful I am not there or was born there, I think my resentment level of that alone might be a major problem. 

I am grateful that I have my limbs, grateful that I can write, grateful that I have transportation, grateful that God gave me a second chance and is forgiving.  I am grateful that I can read the Alcoholics Anonymous book and understand it.  Grateful that I have periods where I can really apply the unselfish theory to life and understand it's purpose.  Grateful that I do have a way to treat my alcoholism, and grateful that I can take a break from time to time and really reset to see what my purpose and priorities in recovery are. 

This clear division of what I resent, how it makes me feel, and then the solution of then willfully remembering what I am grateful for, and how it makes me not resent, or forget about the resentment, helps.  I know from the 3rd step that I have an ego, and that ego is not God, but likes to run the show, or run this life, as if it were a God, to it, and resentment of not being able to do it as perfectly as a God can, is produced, along with the fear of it's results consistently being unsatisfactory to it.  I am really grateful above most daily things I confuse myself with as "important" for the identification of this ego, and how it does, act selfishly, as if it is the only one in this world that matters. 

I am really grateful for how I can see that clearly, and how problematic it is for others.  I think I forget that from time to time, and I just need to remember through prayer, that I am praying, because I need a power to fill the space, my ego carved out, to be filled, with it's own shallow and hollow agendas, which ironically, thought those same agendas were so fulfilling, once upon a time. 

I am really grateful that some of my old ideas, and some of my old interests, aren't so powerful anymore, because my ego, created them, and even thought I held dear to them, as if they were straight from God, it probably was just the creativity of my ego, that told me they were from God.  I know that a positive bank account, and the pain that takes to make a reality each day, despite the toll it takes on a man's mind and body, is directly from God, and I know that I can say I am grateful for that reality, because I for the most part, have gotten up in the morning, post sobriety, and said a prayer to start the day.