It's a good idea towards staying sober or quitting drinking to check in here daily.  It's no coincidence that this site is called Daily Strength if you have no power over your life making you miserable and you not being able to stop drinking or drugging over it.  

I want to build on what I said yesterday about helping others by admitting what I am not doing, which is making life very unmanagable and taking me closer to a drink, if I take a bird's eye view of things outside of myself.  I have found that I have put an emphasis on food in front of staying sober.  I have been thinking comfort foods a better resolution than foods that will make me digest easier and think more accurately.  I have been thinking the caffiene and sugar in coffee and sodas cannot possibly have an adverse affect on me staying sober, I am thinking I am not like others, when I hear the warnings of how bad too much coffee or soft drinks are.  I am thinking I have the willpower to make whatever I want come to reality, even at the expense of doing what I used to do when I first got sober, thinking my several years of sobriety has allowed my thinking to be accurate, or healed.  I am thinking isolation equals no burden, no bothersome personalities to suffer from, and less threats to my instincts to be secure financially, personally, and socially.  I simply am thinking too selfishly, and am in danger of drinking or doing something stupid if I do not surrender to my own personal powerlessness.  

I was rebelling at the thought of personal powerlessness I see now, the idea and suggestion in hindsight I understand now was naturally depressing to a person like me who wants more than his share, when things are going good, and thinks he is being punished when things are not going so good.  

the trifecta of inventory my help ask's me to take a look at honesty with all my efforts tells me I am severly angry at all, and devastatingly angry at some specific happenings in my own Country I cannot act like I don't totally want to terminate even knowing I am not in control of any of it.  Looking further into the trifecta, I see that me not having control, or power to solve the insane and evils that human higher powers are committing, makes me not only fear the future, but fear a God that allows it and doesn't seem to be doing much to hear my complaint of how it is physically making me sick to see humans being degraded and harmed.  Knowing that, looking further into my conduct with others, specifically in my sex areas, I too contain a pride that won't let me not harm someone who I have a problem with, especially if that problem was created by them according to my ego.  

Am I doing what I need to do to solve the ills I see in my own inventory?  Well if I am honest, and humble, not caring who or what sees what I am admitting to and confessing, I am at best half-heartedly interested in applying a solution to my anger, fear, and inconsiderate selfishness when it comes to others.  

I have been taught when angry to pray for someone, or something, that is angering me, essentially forgive them, and then ask myself what makes me so perfect I can judge?  Taking the "I'll throw a stone when I have no sin approach" works, but only if I believe I am in dire need of it, and that is another thing I have been doing in regards to staying sober, I have been slowly arguing to myself the value of AA and the people who are invovled in it with me locally.  In the case of fear, the defect that propells all the insanities of the world in my opinion, I am to accept that depending on my self, the creator of the personal fears thought wise, will NEVER work, and that the more I do so, the more problems will occur giving rise to my ego's "things to fear" input.  Basically I am creating fear, because I am playing God, too angry at him, for not giving me more money, sex, people who love me, or free time to build an ego driven personality, and kind of like a fallen angel does in a religious sense, I am committing more to the attitude of "well if you won't give it to me I'll give it to myself", rather than a real knowledge that I am God's son, and that fundamental will always keep me lower in knowledge of what is necessary for me to fully develop for everyone's benefit, not just my own.  I am to, if I am really buying into a need to be humble, ask him despite my opinion of him, for the self-created fear to be removed, the self-reliance to be seen as a liability, and to direct my personal powerlessness towards what his power commands me to be.  Moving on to my conduct in regards to others, and the conduct necessary to maintain a relationship, both non-sexual and sexual, I have been taught to not be a problem for others.  This is hard to do when pride is more important than being fulfilled by humility.  How sensible have I been?  How honest have I been in believing all need their needs met, and to make a hierarchy out of human beings, seeing some as halfs and half-nots is purely an ego and playing God move, and if I am as ignorant as I've been, dishonestly thinking I am too great to experience some sort of wrath in knowing I need to help others needs, but wanting to suppress those needs just a bit more because I am insecure and hate myself and want others to pay, essentially making God pay, for not giving me what I want, I am not honest in thinking I don't deserve what I get when I don't want God's beings to be unharmed.  How interested am I in not pissing God off, when I am selfishly inconsidering that his life and breath in the form of humans I am treating with an evil too prideful, too ignorant, and too arrogant to not be harmed from, is losing value daily, how dumb do I have to be to think the maker of all things won't have the final say against my actions and behaviors?  Is it a matter of honestly, or is it deeper than that and pure disbelief, or inability to believe, I am not power, will never be power, and am so powerless, that suffering forcing my brain to seek power, because I cannot surrender to it's reality of I will always view myself less than if not having power?

Admitting I am powerless, in more ways than my human mind can calculate, although it might dissect your from the reasoning of a godless world that profits from disbelief, as an alcoholic is a great go to, when spirially from you're own ill and evil thoughts.  

I know that was wordy, parts of it, and I run the risk of readers giving up from that, and I am not willing to change how I write, because my disbelief tells me you're weak if you can't read difficult material, which is untrue, and just more me being defiant and chronically wanting power that I don't deserve.  

Not accepting my mind is the problem, specifically within a relating to myself and to how I behave and conduct myself around others, will always never bridge a gap that is so desperately needed in order for the human experience to be fulfilled.  I'll always be lacking when I think life is the problem, or others are the problem, or God is the problem.  I was doing all three recently, and although it's been a terrible experience way above my ability to solve, I know letting others know the reality of what I was not doing might resolve voids they have in wanting to do good, but simply always experiencing the opposite.  

I didn't have enough gratitude either, I forgot how little I had and how many times I was without a solution for this very hard to live with disease called alcoholism.  I thought I got better, I thought I was one of the pack, I thought AA had normalized me, but throughout all that thinking, I now know my whole thought process is wrong, and the only way around that, is to build up from the gut, spiritually, with honesty and humility.