Well 'moma' I too have had blackouts. I have had a few that have see me awaken inside a police cell, banged up not knowing what I have done, soaked by my own urine and in total fear. The last time, was two and a half years ago and for something serious. I had locked the computer repair man in my home after realising he had buggered up my computer.
I then hit him and the two coppers that arrested me. I got four months for that blackout, I lost my job and almost my home.

That was then. Over two years later, I am nine months sober and have gotten my respect back. You can do just that! Accept your disease (alcoholism) go to ANY lengths to get yourself sober, and then you'll be able to get on with your life.

You did not choose to become an alcoholic, that was one thing you had little if no control over. What you do have control over is getting sober! Do it, it's brilliant! And opens up a whole new life of respect and peace of mind.

Remember, this world is a still a beautiful place, get sober and enjoy it!

God bless

Phil

I don't know if you go to AA or not, but this was a huge hurtle for me as well and I found that once I did a 4th and 5th step, everything was so much better! Try writing down the mistakes you have been unable to let go of and next to each mistake, write a positive thing about yourself. Use your mistakes as assetts to help yourself and others as opposed to beating yourself up over them. "We do not live in the past, nor do we wish to shut the door on it." Hope this helps. :-)

You do deserve better and sobriety is the right path. AA meetings will help they will show you the steps and the promises. You will eventually let go of your past and have a new respect for yourself. God bless

I like you started drinking when I was very young - 14. I did some really terrible things to everyone I love, and also to myself. I hurt my kids to the point that I never thought that I could be close to them again, so many broken promises, so many lies, so much manipulation. The good news is that there is a solution...Once I quit drinking and worked the steps, my life took a definite turn for the better. I have a great relationship with my kids today, the marriage that I thought was over two years ago is going strong. Everything started improving with steps 4 & 5. There can be hope for you too, but first put the plug in the jug. And remember time takes time

It is an important step in your recovery to let go of the shame associated with your behavior when you were drunk. You were not well at the time, and although you may owe apologies, once that's done, you need to let go and move on. If you hold onto shame it will bring up the feelings and behaviors you relied on when using--not a healthy thing. You are doing better now, but you did the best you could at the time, as you were not well. A little bit of guilt now and again is a good thing for us alkys, as it makes us examine our behavior, but shame is not a healthy emotion. There is a big difference between feeling bad about things you've DONE and feeling bad about YOURSELF. You are doing better now by not drinking, and everyday you continue to do so is amends for the past. Feel proud of your good work on yourself and keep moving FORWARD!!