It happened again. I saw my therapist on Saturday and felt great, and now all the sudden fell into a pit of guilt and shame and longing for the past. Every single time I overthink things, look to the past for lessons, or look through old photos I do this to myself and I cant seem to stop. Im sober now, why do I miss my life when I was still drinking and using (the good years before it was hell). I saw photos of myself being 22 and felt nostalgic and miss those innocent times. Yeah I was a pothead and had gotten drunk plenty of times, but I was innocent and responsible. I had only totaled one car back then. Even that should have never happened. Its like my alcoholism progressed in parallel to my parents getting divorced and losing the family house, but I cant use that as an excuse either. I just miss everything about life back then. Is that just growing up? Im in my early thirties and miss the freedom, youth and innocence I had. Like I said I was a huge pothead but it was fun back then, there were no major consequences, it was like candy. That was before the daily hangovers, before my family losing everything, before being unemployed, and before having a mountain of guilt. Like I said when my parens lost the house, I shouldve gotten help, shouldve talked to someone. Instead I just drank myself into oblivion and held onto an unhealthy relationship with a death grip. Screaming at the neighbor because he slept with a girl I liked was once my rock bottom, that rock bottom turned into sitting in the back of a squad car, that turned into getting pulled over wasted speeding and getting away with a speeding ticket, that turned into totaling my first car and the love of my life, that turned into moving out of my apartment with no notice because my roommates boyfriend threatened me physically because of my drunken behavior. That was the worst time of my life, but I picked up the pieces, moved out, found a new job, and tried to get it together. My living situation was horrible at the time so I dealt with that by controlled drinking. I finally found a career job and got my own place, then it was a free for all, I partied all the time and couldve lost my job several times. I tried to tone it down over the course of two years but I couldnt get it to stick. My new low was rolling a car that I loved and cared for so dearly. Ive now totaled my Dads car, and two of my own that were the loves of my life at the time. I went to treatment, and go to AA meetings 3X a week now. Ive slipped up and drank beer twice in the last 6 months. So Ive been sober 6 months minus two days and I learned a lot and dont intend to repeat those mistakes. Now Im facing legal issues, and cant forgive myself. My life seemed so great until I felt like I was thrown all these challenges I couldnt handle. My safety net of the family house got foreclosed on, my family lost everything and I dealt the only way I knew how at the time. Im older and wiser but I cant help but miss the past and wish I figured shit out sooner. Now Im stuck with haunting memories of all the stupid shit Ive done and its seriously eating away at the only soul I have left. Other than that, Im sober and love who I am today, but cant forgive my old self for the horrible things that happened.