Hello Mwiggins! Welcome to the group!

I stopped drinking 11 years ago.. After trying hundreds of times to quit on my own, I came to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it alone. I needed help.

I went through outpatient treatment and I learned that addiction is a symptom of deeper emotional issues. That is why addiction is classified as a mental health disorder.

I was suffering from depression and ptsd over losing both of my parents to alcoholism. That was my biggest trigger.. I had other problems which triggered my drinking also and I was treated for those with therapy that I received in the IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) and with additional counseling lasting 3 months...,

Throughout all the treatment I had, regular attendance at AA meetings were mandatory. I got a sponsor who was available to me 24 hours a day and I called him many times in those first few months when my sobriety was still in a fragile state. He was a huge help to me.

Today, I have a great life and I have never been happier. Good luck on your road to recovery and may you find peace and happiness along the way!

God Bless

I posted for the first time today too.... maybe we can both find sobriety together or at least learn moderation with drinking. Im finally admitting that I drink way too much and I also black out at night most of the time. I’m 38, have 2 kids ages 7 and 11 and a husband. I can’t just have 1 drink! I have one and before you know it I’m drunk off my a**. I suffer depression and anxiety.. I take meds for it but drinking takes the edge off more for me. I know it’s not good to drink with the medication but I still do. I tell myself every day that I’m not going to drink again that night, but I usually do. If I drink too much and cause a scene or fight then I usually feel bad and stop drinking but it’s only like 2 days then I’m back at it.
So I can’t offer any words of wisdom but can say I’m in your same boat.. on the outside my life looks great. Good jobs, nice house, cars, boats, camp trailers. But I’m a mess and gained lots of weight too in past few years. I just want to get healthier and be a better example to my kids.
Good luck Mwiggins! I hope we can win this fight and get back in control of life!

Get to an AA meeting every day or night and listen to the stories and meet sober ppl.

If you are an alcoholic, there is no option to drink again.

My life is infinitely better without alcohol.

Hi it's original poster here, thanks for your replies. It makes me feel less alone, which I guess is what this site is for. I can't have one drink either. It's always five or six. I didn't mention it in the original post, but I'm actually in the wine business. I am the author of a wine book, and my life feels so intertwined with it. My husband and I are known amongst friends and family as the "foodie and wine people" and friends are always asking me for my opinion or suggestions. Everyone assumes I want to drink wine. When we're at people's house they normally want to share their best wines with me, and it feels rude to say no thanks. So even if I go into an evening promising myself I'm not going to drink, it's an extra challenge because it's what I do as a career, and have done for years.

I don't feel comfortable going to AA meetings, although it's been strongly recommended by my psychologist and psychiatrist. And I don't even want to admit to my husband that I'm afraid of how alcohol controls me. So I don't feel like I can go to therapy specifically for that.

I agree that this all stems from emotional issues. I was mentally, physically and sexually abused by my father for many years. The bipolar diagnosis could be biological, or could have been triggered by the past. Either way, doesn't matter, it is what it is now. I spent two years in heavy counseling dealing with the issue, and felt like I came out in a much better place, but the compulsion to drink is still very much present.

If I don't drink today, it will be the second night in a row. Sounds pathetic, but I am already dreaming of what wine will pair perfectly with the dinner I'm cooking tonight. I hope I can be strong enough to resist.

Anyone else feel like they are having an out of body experience when they reach for that drink. Like the mind is saying no, but something deeper is pulling them to open that bottle, or crack that beer, or pour that cocktail?

That’s definitely harder when it’s your part of your job!
I’m trying to think to of what to tell people when they offer me a drink or they see me not drinking and think it’s odd.. It’s harder to say I’m not drinking because I have a drinking problem vs saying something like I’m watching my calories.
Tonight will be my 2nd night sober too. We can do this!

There is this book called, "The 12 steps for everyone who really wants them" by Jerry Hirschfield who adapted the AA 12 steps for EHA (Emotional Health Anonymous) I picked up a copy of this book while in detox and I couldn't put it down. It really resonated with me due to my depression and anxiety which were fueling my alcoholism. It walked me through each of the steps in easy to understand language so that I could heal myself and change my life for the better. If you trust me with your address, I have an extra copy I will send you for free. If not, it's ok, I totally understand. You can also buy this book on amazon for a few dollars if you buy it used. I highly recommend.

I have heard many stories at AA meetings which are similar to yours so although you have many triggers , your situation is not hopeless but it may require some changes in your life if you are serious about staying sober.

I remember when I was in group therapy, we had a girl in our little group who worked as a bar tender and thought she could stay sober. The counselors told her that having alcohol that close and for 8 hours a day, was a massive trigger that she would have difficulty overcoming but she was convinced she could do it. So we did some role playing where she was at work and she was trying to turn down drinks from the rest of us and it affected her so greatly that the game had to be stopped. I saw her at a meeting a week later and she confessed she couldn't do it so she quit her bartender job and took another job as a waitress in a restaurant that did not serve alcohol. About 3 months later, I bumped into her at an AA meeting and she said she was still sober and her personal life had improved exponentially!

I dug up an old post which might help you:

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/alcoholism/discussion/recognizing-dangerous-situations

It helps to have a plan.

God Bless

I needed to accept that this is serious sh!t. This is life and death. Many of these posts refer to "feelings" and others's opinions. You need to quit worrying about both. Why do you need to justify abstaining. I'd bet most people won't press it if you say "i'm not drinking." It's your own misperception and is another reason you can justify the drink. You should probably get honest and don't place so much importance on "feelings". Including your feelings and others. This is life and death and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

Don't be afraid to admit to you husband how you feel inside and that alcohol controls you. Hopefully he will understand and be supportive. Maybe you can try to go to a meeting together so he can hear other people's stories, and you won't have to go alone. My wife has been a great supporter of me ever since she had enough and sent me to in patient treatment. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my family. Our marriage was certainly stressed by my drinking. Now that I am sober I am a different person. We get along so well now and my relationship with my kids is much better too.

As far as your out of body experience you mentioned I have had that hundreds of times. I would be driving home from work saying to myself I am not going to drink tonight. Then I would find myself in line at the package store and almost not even know how I got in there. It is like you said, there is some other thing that controls us more then our conscious mind. That is the addiction controlling you. It is an incredibly powerful force. One of my favorite lines I ever heard at treatment is this. "Addiction is the only disease that can convince us we don't have a disease, and it wants us dead." Those are very powerful words that have stuck with me.

I have been sober for a year now. In the beginning I was really uncomfortable turning down a drink, especially around friends and family that knew how much I loved to drink wine. I simply said 'I'm not drinking right now' . No explanation given. The more I turned it down, the more confident I was in simply saying no thank you. Truth be told, most people would lean in and say good for you, I should probably take a break too. I have way more fun when I am out and I can remember everything in the morning with a clear head, That draw to the bottle subsides and the trust you gain in yourself in place of that draw is so worth it. It feels better than the drink ever did, It's hard in the beginning, but the payoff is well worth the initial change you have to make.

The initial change is tough... the cravings are there... I am 4 days sober and it’s Friday night. If I don’t drink this weekend..... wait I’m not going to drink this weekend!!!! .... then it’s the longest I have been without drinking in 7 years! I’m already sleeping better and it’s nice not to wake up with a hangover. I have some withdrawal symptoms but keep thinking this is the start to end this horrible addiction I have to alcohol.
I keep thinking I’m a strong, smart person. How did I let myself get to this point.
Thank you everyone for comments... it really helps!

Alcohol is a drug, and very addictive. You want to know a secret... life is better without it. The inner mind believes it’s the solution, but it’s really the problem.

Sounds like you have thoroughly entrenched yourself with the bottle. It is very typical to become an expert on alcohol if you are an alcoholic. It’s a way to keep the drug close by. But the next morning it makes the shame, fear, and guilt shyrocket.

Then back to the nipple for relief. It’s a drug.

I went to a psychiatrist and for years just paid the money and continued to suffer. The ironic thing is I drive past that office each time I go to my targeted therapy.

1is2many

The OP hasn’t come back in a few days, so I’m not sure she is coming back.

I work in the wine industry. I attend functions all the time where deals are “celebrated” with alcohol. My wife and friends entertain with alcohol regularly.

I have an allergy to alcohol. I go down a bad path when i have it. So it’s gone.

Trained medical and psychotherapy professionals are recommending AA, but you ignore them?

Your husband surely knows you have a problem. Your friends and perhaps your colleagues know as well.

Alcoholics only realize how obviously alcoholic they are after they stop drinking.

Weight gain? That’s no good either.

I can assure you, you are not the first professional white collar person working in the industry to potentially be alcoholic.

Sorry to be blunt but I agree with Step One. You need to face the truth. You owe answers to no one about why you don’t drink.

Once you get over your ego, which is a big problem for us alcoholics - it was with me- you’ll realize you likely have an allergy to alcohol, and you cannot continue to drink.

I learned this in AA. I hope you can someday too.