I'm so sorry you are in this suffocating situation. I'm in a similar boat and realizing that there needs to be healthy existence outside of this sickness.

This must be one the hardest life experiences, being the spouse of an alcoholic with children who has no idea the misery and pain that they bring into their own homes! My daughter is living through this saga with her husband, who relies on an Uber to bring him home a couple time a week from his drunken escapades. She does her best to manage the situation, but I know it's taking a toll. On top of this, their young child was recently diagnosed with autism. I was hoping my son-in-law would rise to the occasion and put aside his drunken ways, but this has not happened. It's only gotten worse. This has been a motivation for me to stay sober so I can at least be there for my kid and grandchild.

My daughter isn't keen on discussing this topic, hasn't reached the level of frustration that you have. But I have considered the options for her. I'd like to list these and perhaps some others can contribute ideas or suggestions.

1. Seek the support of Al-Anon. These support groups for the family members of alcoholics are available in most communities. They are free and provide a community of men and women suffering the same experience as you. I think this would be one your best options.

2. Private counseling. Expensive, unless you have insurance, but would help to demonstrate to your husband how concerned you are about his alcoholism. A good counselor could help guide you both through the haze of alcoholism that your entire family is suffering through and to a solution, whether detox or AA for your partner.

3. AA for your husband. I would have listed this first, but doubt that he will very accepting of this idea. Why? To take the first step towards an AA meeting, you typically have to hit rock bottom. Doesn't sound like your husband has hit this abyss yet and until he does, will resist the idea of AA or even that he has a problem.

4. Leave the toxic situation. I am sure that my daughter dreams of departing with my granddaughter from her toxic home, but certain realities prevent this. She gave of her job in publishing when she married, so has no income. As noted earlier, her daughter has autism and attends a very expensive school for pre-schoolers. They have a gorgeous home that they recently built together. Her mother doesn't really have the room in her nearby home, and I live four hours away. Uprooting my granddaughter from her special needs school would not be the best idea right now. Obviously leaving would be the last choice, but perhaps this option would motivate the alcoholic to take action.

Just a few ideas to start the discussion. So glad you found our group and beginning to consider other solutions and options. You owe that to your children and to yourself! Wishing you the best.

I can relate. My parents were both alcoholics and as a child growing up in that kind of enviroment, it affected me greatly in some very negative ways. It began with my dad, who drank just beer in the evenings after a long days work. Being self employed and having a family to support, he began to turn to vodka as a crutch from the pressures of work. Every alcoholic wants a drinking buddy so he would shove a glass of wine into my mother's hand until she also became an alcoholic. By that time, my two sisters were old enough to be on their own so they both moved out of state to be as far away from the madness as possible and I was left alone to fend for myself and watch my mother commit a slow suicide with the bottle.

Grieving her death by this horrible disease, resulted in dropping out of college, not being able to hold a job and life long depression as I blamed myself and held on to a mountain of guilt from being a child of an alcoholic parent (ACOA)

Many years later, I too was faced with continual work related stress, and not knowing any coping skills, I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the deep emotional pain. My soul was wounded and I carried those scars for a very long time with horrible feelings of loss and isolation. At one point, I nearly died and spent 3 days in the hospital but somehow, something or someone spared me so I could tell this story 10 years later. I got help for my addiction after that. detox followed by outpatient treatment followed by 3 months of counseling, which helped to heal me from my past. Thoughout all the treatment I had, AA meetings were a requirement.

Alcoholism has been called a family disease and from my experience, you can understand why, so You see what your husbands alcoholism is doing to him but look at what his drinking is doing to YOU! You need alot of support for yourself and alanon is a great place to find that support. You can google meetings in your area.
We will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers!

God Bless

Hello UtahMamaBear,

Your post brings back memories as I did a lot of the things that your husband is doing now. It was not until it got to the stage when I was drinking continuously and bad things started to happen physically and emotionally that I finally had to face reality. Your husband is probably right in saying that you don’t understand addiction and my guess is that he doesn’t understand it either – I certainly did not when I was struggling to understand why I could not stop drinking.

People are probably bored with the suggestion that I often make here about checking out an online video about alcoholism but this video is so informative that I feel everyone who is affected by alcoholism should watch it. I will post the link again below.

You have no control over your husband’s drinking and he is the only one who can fix it. What you can do is to keep bringing up the subject now and again in a non-confrontational way. There is no point in arguing with or lecturing to an alcoholic as it will achieve nothing and they will probably use that as another excuse to drink. My wife would say something along the lines of: “Do you not think that you have a problem with alcohol” or “Do you think you should do something about it”? I would of course disagree with her and keep drinking but it was always at the back of my mind that she was right. She would then drop the subject but bring it up again in a few months.

Despite your best efforts and intentions, you are probably handling this problem in the wrong way and maybe even making mistakes that will prolong the agony. That would not be your fault as nobody learns at school how they should deal with alcoholism. For that reason, Al-Anon would be a big help to you as you could learn from the experience of other people who have dealt with the same problem. There are probably Al-Anon meetings in your area so why not check them out.

Here is the video link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMC62Y_5dyE