Bravo for sharing this, I remember this sort of scenario so well for myself so get the "ouch" factor.

I also tried to fit reasons to why I was "justified" to drink when I was hit by s compulsion, I too was convinced I could drink and no-one would be the wiser... neither was I capable, in the grip of a compulsion, to visualise anything beyond raising that glass or bottle to my lips.

Now in the light of the humiliation and suffering that ALWAYS followed the union between me and alcohol, none of the above made any sense whatsoever. This is where the resolve strengthened and the fight began in earnest again. Now I knew what was going on I would not fall into the same trap again. I was relying on logic where there was none so one "failure" followed another and another until I stopped fighting and found a totally different way of dealing with the problem.

I was a long time ignorant of the true facts of my alcoholism. The way I see it, for me, is that I cannot hang on to time dry as something gained if I relapse. Relapse means I have not found the solution to my problem yet or I have not thoroughly applied myself to a recovery method that is powerful enough to remove the drinking problem.

I'm glad you are regrouping and I also hope that you will reconsider your plan or strategy if you keep giving it your best effort but this "caving" is becoming a pattern.

Create opportunities, not excuses. Never give up.

I have done it too. I would have been eight years sober, not just five.

I know eight years looks better than five but it was not to be for me.

I would be healthier had I managed to stay sober.

Don't be afraid to admit a relapse. We are not going to dislike you for it. :)

Yup, you are right to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and reset that goal. I am in the same position. 10 days sober, day 11 went out and bought a bottle of wine to split with hubby. I've been drinking everyday since, except yesterday. Yesterday was an AF day (alcohol free). But I wanted that glass or 2 of wine, but hubby talked me out of stopping to get a bottle on the way home.

I feel sometimes we get caught up in counting the days. Drinking on day 10 is no better or worse than drinking after 7 years like I did. It's not about "how long can I stay sober." I'm an alcoholic. I can't be happy if I drink. Ever. My goal is not a year or 10 years. My goal is to be happy so I can do something in this world. Maybe you could stop counting the days and figure out why you are doing this to yourself when it makes you miserable. Certainly, don't lose hope. We've all got the ability to be sober. It's not always easy and sometimes it sucks. However, life as a whole, is beautiful when you're happy aka sober.

I can identify. I tried to quit hundreds of times but would cave in as well. IT got to be a habit with me. There was stress everywhere, a boss I hated, I bossy wife, work around the house that needed to be done that I kept putting off. I had to break the cycle and finally did when I put sobriety at the top of my list meaning I would do anything to stay sober.

I learned how to handle the stress of daily living by going to counseling and that helped me alot.

Good luck and God Bless!

Everything in these situtations are choices. You choose to have 5 shots. Nothing you can do, back to day 1, new day today.
Recently I had a 4 months sober under my belt, I was at the casion, the waitress said "cocktails', I said champagne. 1 glass along time ago would not even phase me. It is not a big deal, big deal for me now. I set my status back to day 1 AGAIN. That will be my last drop of alcohol ever. (I always say that, but this time I truly want that to be my last)... Tired of teasing and torturing myself. Were all on this site for a reason.

The toughest lesson that I learned from sobriety was to face reality, rather than escape it with booze. I spend most of my adult life avoiding my problems by drinking them away. They never went away, I only escaped and did nothing to solve the problems. It was so hard in the beginning. Simple problems seemed like monsters because I never faced them before. After going though the hell and facing the problems problems eventually they did not overwhelm me. I was able to face them and solve them

I think that an action that would be helpful to you would be to once and for all to get rid of all alcohol that's in your house. Yes, I know that you can always go out and buy more, but I've found that if you have to stop and think about going through the process, that you can often talk yourself out of it. It won't be so easy to give in to impulse.

Thank you all for your support.

I was right. If I had not posted last night, I would have wanted to pretend like nothing happened. But that's just not honest.
And it does not help anyone - especially me.

Why do you have a 40 day goal? Why not just stay sober today?
Are you alcoholic? If not, then why the goal? If so, then how could you ever plan to drink "safely" again?

Normal drinkers do not stop drinking and then "cave." They either drink or they don't and they don't obsess.

So you know you have a problem. If you have a problem, I'd be willing its bigger than you think. We minimize when it comes to booze. Famously. Right up to and something through deaths door.

Don't do it.

Stickywick,

You bring up some excellent points. I am having a hard time with definitions of "normal drinker" and "alcoholic." I may need to do some serious reading. I have always "functioned." I have never missed work due to drinking. I have never abused anyone, or been abused due to alcohol. The worst thing is the impact on my health. And perhaps a broken dish here and there that I have dropped when I've had too much to drink.

I have been embarassed that I've had so much to drink. It's more about my Mother's voice in my ear (figuratively), telling me I drink too much, or eat too much.

So, I was hoping to "contain" and "retrain" myself back to a "normal" level. Since I don't really know what that is, I started first with a 10-day goal - which went well. Then I decided to try a longer period of time.

I think you are right about obsessing. Thank you for your post.

Hello Needhelp4me2quit,

The guy at the link below gives a damn good explanation of what is normal drinking and what is alcoholic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pVBDQPC2XQ

Everyone goes through that. I can't tell you how many times I blew 3 months trying to make it to my 4 years. We all make mistakes. Brush yourself off and start again. You can do this!!!

Glad you were brave and posted. I agree with the folks that suggested increasing your strategies whether it be meetings, a therapist, or another supportive strategy. Also it does sound like coping with stress is difficult and you may need to find ways to cope better. And if you had not posted you would have missed out on the suggestions. Maybe something will help.