I knew when I woke up today, it was going to be a stress filled day.  Lately I have been deeply resenting stress filled days.  I am going to do the End of the night inventory on it in this discussion, and please comment on what you see that I might not be seeing.  

When I constructively review my day, I ask myself was I resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid today, in this stress filled day?  I was certainly resentful, I was selfish, I wasn't dishonest, but I was dishonest about vocalizing what my opinion of what the truth is, when dispute arose or my plans got in the way of others, and yes I was afraid I was either going to get fired or physically hurt myself from how much anguish and irritation I was experiencing.

I might owe an apology to a co-worker who felt I wasn't doing as good a job as them.  I basically told them the job they were doing wasn't very significant, and the reason I wasn't doing it was it only takes one person to do it, and if they thought it was a team effort, they were wrong and being overly dramatic.  I didn't keep the thought I had that my co-workers, through their own selfishness, wanted me to leave, or wanted me not there, so they could capitalize on that fact, and make more money.  I did vocalize that, and I did that not caring if I was scared to do so in the past couple of months it's been realized by me.  I tried to be kind and loving, but wasn't kind and loving when I was being attacked or when I was being the subject of what I felt was an inconsiderate attempt to disallow me to earn.

I don't think I could have done anything better, I often did the best I could, and when I was resentful, too resentful to think, I tried to do nothing, out of a fear I would do something I regret, like say something hurtful or give up and become wreckless.  I was thinking of myself, most of the time, I didn't seem to have the power to do anything else.  I think this all had to do with the reality that I had to work a total of 12 hours, just to make 220 dollars before taxes.  Not only did I have to work that, but I had to pay to get there, pay to park, and then fight to make the money and not be sent home, so the ends didn't really justify the means I am thinking.  I started the day off saying "this is god's plan for me", but then when I was driving there, pressed for time, I thought "this isn't God's plan, this is my plan, and it sucks."  I did think of how the little things I was doing was adding to the stream of life, but I also was thinking how overly idealistic that was.  I was also thinking of how little my task to add something to the stream of life were, and I got into self-pity and anger at how me making a difference isn't as important as someone famous making a difference, or someone who has power.  

I think the constructive part of this inventory is when the Big Book asks me to not drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection.  

Is it a big deal that I have an average life, have a average job that just pays bills, have irritated co-workers too who also have jobs that just pay the bills, and am not impressed by my normal life that isn't one of fame or real value wealth wise?  To my ego it is a big deal, but when I know not acting on what the ego is suggesting is a bigger deal, my wants and "dreams" no longer seem like big deals, they begin to be just me, being me, and me being me, will always have limitations, frustrations, and not enough power.  I forget several years ago I was unemployable, no one in their right mind would have taken a chance on me, I was that ill.    

It's all good, I don't have the power my ego keeps telling me a normal person or a person it can like has, my ego keeps getting me to will myself into the person it wants to be, but my ego isn't not god, it's just a survival mechanism provided by my Creator, and it is an option to just accept that, and know its influence isn't the whole story.  

Now, with that being said, here is more construction, based on what I did when I was living only to drink and drug.  Did I wake up today knowing if I did something, work wise, it is a contribution to society?  I did.  Is that selfish?  No, that is unselfish.  Did I wake up, with a positive feeling, or positive thought that not drinking and staying stopped, will help me with resentment going forward?  I did, I went to a meeting today and I didn't consider drinking, even though the day and this period in my life, is difficult mentally.  Was I honest?  I was honest in knowing drinking and drugging are two options to make life, much more difficult mentally.  I was honest knowing that as hard as my ego told me life was, my spiritual honestly never asked me to take a drink so it could have some relief.  I had absolutely no fear I was going to stop at a bar, stop at the store, or drink today.  

When I look at it this way, I had a pretty good day.  I was alcohol and drug free, and sane enough to write about it before I went to bed.  For me, that's success!