One that enables another to achieve an end; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior

Just a definition I found..... What do you think? T4L.

By the way I and my fianc have both been enablers by this definition. So I get it. I guess for me I always wondered what difference does it make. Then again does it.help to say something? Maybe??? Don't know.. T

I don't think you would be an enabler if you kept the fact that "you think" your husband is an alcoholic from your family and his family. When you know for sure that he is alcoholic, then you may be enabling him.

However, even thinking and suspecting the possibilities of alcoholism most likely indicates that he is.

I've had a tough time myself, figuring out what exactly is an "enabler", and what is the difference between a caregiver and a caretaker. Tough time distinguishing between someone trying to help; but at the same time, not actually encouraging the alcoholic to drink.

Just trying to make a long story short - my brother, whom is now deceased due to alcohol - married three times. He married women whose dad's were alcoholics. The women he married had all been married before, always to alcoholics.

They didn't know any other way. That's how they were brought up and living with an alcoholic was the only way they knew how to live.

I can't say this any plainer or nicer - if living with alcoholism is what you have always known, then you are probably enabling your husband. Don't feel bad about it. You are just like most of us in this world.

What needs to change is yourself.

Thank You Thirsty4Life! I was afraid I was. My husband is in such denial! I told him about his actions the other night and he said it back to me as if it was so simple, matter of factly as if nothing is wrong! In fact he thinks his drinking is 'doing nothing wrong"

Strict definition is:
a person or thing that makes something possible.
"the people who run these workshops are crime enablers"
a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another.
"he criticized her role as an enabler in her husband's pathological womanizing"

Personally I think it means that we cosign bad behaviour.
In the case of an alcoholic, my husband enabled me to a degree. He turned a bind eye to my alcoholic drinking for years.
Not his fault, an issue springing from his own childhood with an alcoholic father and deep family denial.

I've asked myself that question. I did not "enable" my husband in obvious ways -- I did not buy alcohol, do not drink around him (or at all), did not interact with him when he was drunk, which was every night.

But I guess you could say that I enabled him by not throwing him out or leaving him so maybe he thought I thought his drinking was okay and that was a form of enabling

It never occurred to me to tell his family and friends that he is an alcoholic. That would have made him angry and the situation between us worse, plus it would not have made him quit.

Hello enoughisenough2,

Would there be anything positive to be gained by telling your family and his that you think your husband is an alcoholic?

Your husband is really the only one who can determine for sure if he is an alcoholic but either way it seems that he has a problem with alcohol. Denial is a common trait among people who have this problem and there are probably several reasons for it. While I was drinking every day I did not consider myself to be an alcoholic. For one thing I did not know exactly what an alcoholic was I pictured an alcoholic as the scruffy guy on the park bench with the bottle in the brown paper bag. Secondly, although it got to the stage when I knew that drinking was out of control, I tried to avoid thinking about it too much, kicking the problem down the road and hoping to buy more time. Fear of facing reality was another factor.

When the turmoil and misery got bad enough I went to an AA meeting and learned things that enabled me to make sense of what had been happening. I had an obsession for alcohol and my mind was programmed to believe that I needed to drink in order to survive and deal with life. This obsession was the guiding force that touched on just about every aspect of my life. The obsession had a single purpose and that was to convince me to drink, regardless of anything else. All of the reasons for drinking, the so-called triggers, the false promises to other people and to myself and the deceit suddenly made perfect sense.

Today, I no longer have an obsession for alcohol and I have not had a desire to drink for a long time. Buy a copy of the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) and give it to your husband he may throw it back at you but he will probably be curious about alcoholism and may read it, probably in secret. Then consider going to an Al-Anon meeting.