Right now I feel the same...I missed out on Christmas with my dad because I was either drunk or recovering and not sober and able to drive.

I hate it when he asks me what's going on, because I have nothing he'd like to hear. He wants to hear I got a new job or I'm working. Neither of those can I say. He doesn't understand the myriad of mental disorders I've been diagnosed with. Working is just out of the question. I don't sleep at night like most people. Sometimes i do, but it's not easy to predict when i'll feel sleepy.

Anyway, now I can't sleep at all. I feel vibrations in my body and beyond that, my Rx medication just isn't working even when I take the maximum dose. I can take a shitload and end up passed out, but that isn't healthy. Now I'm feeling pains in my stomach after I drink. I ruining my body...life already seems ruined, but it's only getting worse.

Yes!!I found out not to long after i got sober about how emotionally un- available I had become. Couple of people in AA made it a point to challenge me on it . Sometimes in a not so nice way... at least to me......So happy they cared enough....lots of options presented itself....involvement in a thriving young peoples group, step work and many a new friend ... and much more as i went along.
Billy

You might want to make a few My name is Earl type of amends right out the gate; Call your family let them know of your asshole status, let them know of your awareness, and right a few wrongs.
Every morning I write down 3 to 5 things I want to accomplish right out the gate. Things to get me going in action, sometimes just a phone call or writing in my planner.
This tends to get me moving in the right direction, a feeling of accomplishing something.
I do know that chilling with your thoughts and emotions is bad news. Someday you will learn how to process being in that frame of mind.
To start maybe put your faith in a group of drunks that has been there and felt that.

Start out on the right foot today, can't change the past.

I sure as shit wish you could change the past, cause I would do a ton differently. But since you can't, all you got it today

Well, at least you see what you had become. I would suggest you start off today with contacting those who had been reaching out to you. Maybe if say sorry if you sense they need to hear it. All you have to say is "Sorry I wasn't there, or have not responded." Doing the next right thing will help you and them. Good luck!

Wow...this has brought back so many memories. I can totally relate to EVERYTHING that you have said. No kidding,

It is mind blowing how we can push away all we love in favor of the very thing that seeks to destroy us. Yes, alcohol is an enemy for sure.

The good news is we can get past these feelings and the strong hold that alcohol has on us. I have done it and many others as well. We can rebuild those relationships that we have neglected and form strong ties to those we have been lost from.

It feels pretty shitty where you are right now but it can change. It isn't hopeless it's just gonna take time and work. Just one day at a time, friend. Putting one foot in front of the other. Doing the next right thing.

Little by little those feelings of self hatred will leave and life will take on an entirely different look....a new understanding, a new meaning will make itself known.

We aren't bad people, just people who have challenges before us...not so different from others in that respect. Though it does seem like alcoholics have to work harder to find the coping skills that non-alcoholic take for granted.

As my bro would say.....just pull up your pants and get on with it.

Don't give up....you are worth the effort....life is worth the effort. Sometimes just an adjustment in our attitude is all it takes to motivate the action, which can ultimately change the now experience.

Chin up!
Ree

I'd say apoligize if you feel the need.

If not, start doing right by you as of today and let the pieces fall as they may.

Thanks all so much. Called my mom. Called left msg for aunt. Will at least try to make it right going forward. I'll deal with amends later.

No real desire to drink at the moment. Already hit 2 mtgs today. I am determined to make this work.

xo