Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I've lost count of the times I've vowed to stop drinking but today is another day 1 for me.
I have asked my wife to join me in not drinking, at least for a month, but she has yet to agree to do that.
I have taken some steps to make the alcohol in our house more out of reach - I moved the hard liquor into our basement and the red wine into a closet so they are both "out of sight out of mind"
I realize I need to want to stop drinking for ME but part of it of course is my wife doesn't like when I've had too much to drink (and I've found that I can't moderate my intake.) But anyway, the point of bringing this up is that my wife eats sort of the way I drink.
I get frustrated when she eats after we've had dinner and I try to gently point out to her that we've had enough to eat and sometimes she listens and stops but sometimes she doesn't. Anyway, because of this behavior she has put on weight since we first met and I am no longer physically attracted to her and we have no sex life. In fact, I seriously don't remember the last time we had sex, and maybe more importantly, I don't want to have sex with her.
So the point of all this is that I think maybe I drink partly because of that frustration about a lack of sex in my life.
We have a good relationship otherwise - when I'm not drinking that is. And so I want to stop for my own health and for my marriage but I don't feel like I have the support I need from her because she won't stop drinking with me (even for just a month) and I see her eat snacks after dinner and feel like there's a double standard.
Anyway.. I needed to vent this here because I wanted to get it off my chest. I know that she and I need to talk about this stuff and her behavior is not a reason for me to behave badly so I should just focus on getting myself "healthy"
Rich
I have asked my wife to join me in not drinking, at least for a month, but she has yet to agree to do that.
I have taken some steps to make the alcohol in our house more out of reach - I moved the hard liquor into our basement and the red wine into a closet so they are both "out of sight out of mind"
I realize I need to want to stop drinking for ME but part of it of course is my wife doesn't like when I've had too much to drink (and I've found that I can't moderate my intake.) But anyway, the point of bringing this up is that my wife eats sort of the way I drink.
I get frustrated when she eats after we've had dinner and I try to gently point out to her that we've had enough to eat and sometimes she listens and stops but sometimes she doesn't. Anyway, because of this behavior she has put on weight since we first met and I am no longer physically attracted to her and we have no sex life. In fact, I seriously don't remember the last time we had sex, and maybe more importantly, I don't want to have sex with her.
So the point of all this is that I think maybe I drink partly because of that frustration about a lack of sex in my life.
We have a good relationship otherwise - when I'm not drinking that is. And so I want to stop for my own health and for my marriage but I don't feel like I have the support I need from her because she won't stop drinking with me (even for just a month) and I see her eat snacks after dinner and feel like there's a double standard.
Anyway.. I needed to vent this here because I wanted to get it off my chest. I know that she and I need to talk about this stuff and her behavior is not a reason for me to behave badly so I should just focus on getting myself "healthy"
Rich
Good times, bad times, whatever.
But once you view alcohol as a poison, it should no longer be appealing. View it as a complete turn off to you and it would not matter if it was upstairs or downstairs or hidden in the attic.
You would not be tempted by drinking windex? It is not appealing and I assume U could careless if someone else is doing it, it would not be appealing or tempting to U, it would be foolish. You don't deserve alcohol, U deserve better.
Work at 1 thing at a time, yourself, and then U will have a clear mind and hopefully things will fall into place.
Tapering never worked for me and alcohol is no longer appealing to me. It took me years to have learned this...
Beer, for example, doesn't appeal to me at all because I think it smells and tastes bad. And as the book pointed out mixed drinks mask the taste of the alcohol and I probably would not drink most alcohol straight so I understand that part too.
What I do like is the buzzed feeling but then I take it beyond that point - but by the time I realize I've had too much to drink its too late.
I think "hiding" the alcohol as I mentioned in my initial post will be a help for me because if I go to get a drink I'll think about the fact that its where it is because I want to stop drinking. Hopefully that extra moment to think about it will prevent me from opening that bottle.
Rich
Have you nicely shared with your wife your feelings about her weight? And eating habits? Not is an attacking way? A sit down..heart to heart..putting your faults out there first and not blaming her for them...taking accountability.
But...then moving slowly into the fact...that you see her doing things harming herself and your relationship and that you don't know how to stop all this alone.
Maybe a plan could come out for both of you - a date - a goal to make a change for both of you?
Communication is key....if you both keep holding this stuff in....I know that the addictions will be fed by that...so much easier to escape to our "worlds" (eating or drinking) than to face things head on.
I'm no better....I've been struggling drinking this year....I know I need a goal...and a plan.....easier said than done..but maybe this e-mail will hit you at a time where you are ready to make those goals and plans?
I'm sorry you are suffering....as a fellow sufferer I know it sux and it isn't as easy as just DO THIS....and you will be ok....never that easy.
Addiction turned into a passive aggressive thing maybe??
I've talked to her in a supportive way about my concern about her weight. As I think I mentioned, her doctor told her she needs to lose weight and we're both at an age (late 40's) where its tought to lose weight but obviously snacking while sitting in front of the TV is not helping.
My wife's father had Alzheimers - he passed away before she and I met - and she has expressed concern about getting it herself. I read an article about excess weight possibly being a contributing factor to Alzheimers and so I've pointed that out too.
I think she knows that I am genuinely concerned about her long term health just as she is concerned about mine in relation to my drinking. But of course, neither of us seem to recognize the harmful effects of our behavior for our own long term health!
Rich
In replying to peoples posts I try to concentrate on the positive and give encouragement wherever possible. Nevertheless, I sometimes feel compelled to disagree and to express a different opinion. I have found that where recovery from alcoholism is concerned that I have learned much from people who told me things that I did not want to hear, although there was usually a cooling off period when I felt like expressing my feelings towards such people in a violent manner. In that spirit I shall express an opinion on some of the points you have posted and of course, it is only one persons opinion, which you are at liberty to take on board or to discard.
It would be nice of your wife if she joined you in not drinking but it should not be a pre-condition for your sobriety. This seems to me like a case of: Its my wifes fault as she wont support me so I may as well keep drinking. As I see it, your wife should be free to drink if she chooses to do so and it should not have any bearing on your sobriety.
Moving alcohol from sight may give temporary relief but it does not solve the problem. There is a piece in the Big Book about this which suggests that for an alcoholic, even moving to the polar icecap would not be safe as an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of Scotch. Changing your attitude to alcohol will mean that no matter how much you have in the house, it will not bother you.
You dont like your wifes eating habits and weight and the lack of intimacy so you drink partly out of frustration? Now, I have been an expert at excuses when I was drinking and blaming other people so this one made me laugh as I looked back at the things I used to believe. To me, my beliefs were as real as night following day and yet, most of what I believed was false. I drank as I did because I had become an alcoholic and other people had absolutely nothing to do with it. I suspect that you may at some point come to view your own drinking in a similar light.
Therefore, Rich my friend, I think that where drinking is concerned the buck stops with you. The perceived causes could be analysed and debated for eternity but that alone will not solve your problem. Maybe you need to accept that you cannot drink and to then look for a solution. Many things have been suggested here on DS, from Allen Carrs Easy Way to Stop Drinking to AA meetings so you will find something that suits your needs.
Being honest with yourself, having a willingness to do what it takes and keeping an open mind are some of the things that will ease your journey. If I have cause offence, I apologise most sincerely. My abruptness stems partly from having attended the funerals of dear friends who have fallen to alcoholism, long before their time.
Meeeeee tooo....hope I do too :)