Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Ok, Im new to this topic. or dating an Alcoholic for 6 months.
I had a bad experience on Sunday with my boyfriend, he drank way too much and broke my heart, and embarassed himself and me.
So I told him that I would like to have a sober discussion on the way that day unfolded. 4 days later he could not find the time to talk to me about that day. I forced the issue, so he met me reluctantly. He said he was pissed and it wouldnt be pretty. I have him 15 reasons why I loved him and what made me attracted to him. He said he could not remember the day well, but he was upset that he had let himself drink too much, and that he said, Im sorry. As I calmly explained the events of the day, he said he had heard enough. He also said that I talked to him with respect and love, but in the end, it was making him feel bad, and it was like a calm scolding. I think this man is the kindest, most loving and caring man I have ever met, but, I told him, me or the alcohol. Did I make the right choice? His wife left him after 31 years of marriage. He admitted to me that he was and is an alcoholic. He is financially destroyed, and he has very little to show for his 57 years here on this earth. Bankruptcy this month, loans from his parents needing to be repaid, lives with his elderly parents, and he has many hobbies and a long work week that keep his days off very full of his activities. I have been a loyal girlfriend of 6 months, I have put over 10,000 miles on my car being available to his every available moment to date, which is one, maybe two events a week. Up until Sunday, he was just a fun date and moderate drinker in my book. But this last week he had been drinking 5 nights when a family event sent him on a mini emotional journey that ended with a not so good outcome on Sunday. He hit a point where he was not thinking, speaking or responding clearly to any form of logic. Was I wrong to walk away, or should I have offered to work on sobriety with him. instead of the black and white ultimatum. He texted me after I left, he said...."I am sure you have figured this out, but I don't do ultimatums well, sorry" I said.."no problem" and " I sincerely love you and wish you all the very best life has to offer" That's it. Will I ever hear from him again? He was clean and sober about 7 years, and started drinking two years ago when his wife of 31 years divorced him. He is a wonderful man, but should he spend the rest of his life alone, I have never experienced life with and alcoholic. My birth father and sister are alcoholics, but they have homes, bank accounts, posessions, and are rarely bingers. Just fall asleep in their chairs every night. Im hurting and could use any wisdom you have to offer. thank you.
I had a bad experience on Sunday with my boyfriend, he drank way too much and broke my heart, and embarassed himself and me.
So I told him that I would like to have a sober discussion on the way that day unfolded. 4 days later he could not find the time to talk to me about that day. I forced the issue, so he met me reluctantly. He said he was pissed and it wouldnt be pretty. I have him 15 reasons why I loved him and what made me attracted to him. He said he could not remember the day well, but he was upset that he had let himself drink too much, and that he said, Im sorry. As I calmly explained the events of the day, he said he had heard enough. He also said that I talked to him with respect and love, but in the end, it was making him feel bad, and it was like a calm scolding. I think this man is the kindest, most loving and caring man I have ever met, but, I told him, me or the alcohol. Did I make the right choice? His wife left him after 31 years of marriage. He admitted to me that he was and is an alcoholic. He is financially destroyed, and he has very little to show for his 57 years here on this earth. Bankruptcy this month, loans from his parents needing to be repaid, lives with his elderly parents, and he has many hobbies and a long work week that keep his days off very full of his activities. I have been a loyal girlfriend of 6 months, I have put over 10,000 miles on my car being available to his every available moment to date, which is one, maybe two events a week. Up until Sunday, he was just a fun date and moderate drinker in my book. But this last week he had been drinking 5 nights when a family event sent him on a mini emotional journey that ended with a not so good outcome on Sunday. He hit a point where he was not thinking, speaking or responding clearly to any form of logic. Was I wrong to walk away, or should I have offered to work on sobriety with him. instead of the black and white ultimatum. He texted me after I left, he said...."I am sure you have figured this out, but I don't do ultimatums well, sorry" I said.."no problem" and " I sincerely love you and wish you all the very best life has to offer" That's it. Will I ever hear from him again? He was clean and sober about 7 years, and started drinking two years ago when his wife of 31 years divorced him. He is a wonderful man, but should he spend the rest of his life alone, I have never experienced life with and alcoholic. My birth father and sister are alcoholics, but they have homes, bank accounts, posessions, and are rarely bingers. Just fall asleep in their chairs every night. Im hurting and could use any wisdom you have to offer. thank you.
When you give an active alcoholic an ultimatum between you and alcohol there will usually be one clear winner. At least this guy was honest with you.
You would be wise to think carefully about where you go from here. One option is to walk away and put it down to experience, counting yourself lucky that you have avoided much potential heartache. Alternatively, if you are prepared to take a gamble you could keep the lines of communication open and encourage him to seek help. Is he prepared to face up to his problem and maybe go to AA meetings? Is he prepared to get sober for HIMSELF rather than in order to please you?
There are many alarm bells in what you have posted and while you could have a great future with this man, it would be wise to thread carefully, at least until he has proven to you that he is serious about sobriety.
I can't say if leaving the relationship is "right" or "wrong" - that's up to you. But there isn't any way you, or anyone, can "work" on his sobriety with him. It's a solo journey for all of us - an alcoholic will not or cannot change unless they want to. He showed you his cards, for the most part, and what you're seeing is what you're going to get. While 7 years is admirable, he's not there now. Divorce, bankruptcy, health issues, etc...these are just some of the things that happen as a result of our drinking. The thing is that it gets worse...never better. unless he is willing (of his own volition, and not through frothy emotional appeal), it will continue to spiral downward. So the question of whether you want(ed) to hang on while things go pear shaped is something you answered.
You sound like a deeply caring person, and coming here demonstrated your devotion. But it's his journey. We change only when the pain of not changing becomes too much. You can't be the one to change him, but you can change how you look at this situation and your reactions. You mention your family there, and as already commented on, Alanon might be a way to deal with these things if they weigh heavily on you.
Blessings,
Paul
I never felt like I was consciously choosing alcohol over something else (although I did). Instead, I felt like I should be able to have my drinks AND the other benefits in life. IF someone didn't want to deal with me because I was drinking, that was THEIR problem....not mine. (I'm speaking only from my own personal experience here).
I think your ultimatum was a good idea. Be strong and stand by it. You have given him a choice. If he chooses alcohol over you, then he's not ready to quit yet.
You can't help him. You can't change him. Unless he wants sobriety for himself, he won't stop. Without meaning to, you will enable him to keep drinking. Whatever you do, and you've already done too much, he will expect more. He will use you up. You will become addicted to him, walking on eggshells all the time. He loves you as much as he can, but that's not good enough for a woman like you who deserves to be treated with respect and accountability. It will get really ugly.
Cut your losses and begin to heal your broken heart now.
Run.
I agree with those who suggest al Anon - you can get a better perspective on the situation in al Anon.
Hopefully he realizes what he is losing and will make an attempt at getting sober for himself and for your relationship - but if he is not ready to get sober again - I think your relationship is not going to work.