I last checked in 20 days ago.  I am finding I need to force myself to read and listen to others stories of their recoveries more.  I am sort of coming to a point of understanding that it just can't be more about me than it is about others if I am going to be happy.  There is a line in the Alcoholics Anonymous literature that says something along the lines of my mind thinking managing my affairs well in worldly terms is what I will think I have to do to beat alcoholism, oddly, but I could be the best manager in the world, of my own interest and others, and it still won't help if those interest include more selfishness than unselfishness.  

So I ask myself, how selfish are you interested in becoming?  Well, with the first step I can admit I am an alcoholic and all that is.  I have the body that craves when alcohol is drank, I have the mind that obsesses after as well, and if I am honest, both those realities make life difficult to manage, particularly if I decide to ignore their facts.  

If I am to rely on myself through ignorance, denying my bodies craving of alcohol above everything else when it is drank, and ignore my mind's ability to push everything to the side in favor of drinking more, managing my affairs outside of the desire to stay drunk, will be a disaster.  

Admitting step one, for me, was an insurance policy against future disasters basically.  Admitting I didn't want my life to head towards disaster, was my first attempt to manage, and recovery is so forgiving, it was a successful attempt.  After I admitted I was an alcoholic, I then saw that I needed outside help, meaning help from outside my body and outside my brain, because those two portions of my self, I had evidence of possibly not being able to help.  I got that help from people inside Alcoholics Anonymous, and God.  My mind often tells me I am not doing well enough, and the longer I remain committed to a life that doesn't include drinking alcohol, the more I see that my mind really isn't the reliable source it wants to be. 

Step one I admit, step two I believe I did the right thing by admitting.  Step three I decide to get help, work towards recoverying, and believe that things outside of myself help.  It's really that simple.  So, daily strength helps, meetings help, everything except selfishness and me thinking about me, helps. 

Deciding that a life with less selfishness is always better than one with selfishness is key in this recovery process, and I've heard the same thing from others who are successfully not drinking today as well. 

After doing the first three steps, and I understand if others are reading this who didn't recover from the 12 step programs, I can then look at exacty what my brain is telling me, now knowing it isn't the end all be all and will need help from what it thinks and tries to manage off of. 

Here are some specifics.  Lately my mind has been telling me I have to spend money perfectly, with a bunch of echoes that this market is so sharky and cut throat right now that you're going to get screwed one way or the other.  Don't by a house, don't by a car, don't over spend, be patient until more considerate people are elected into office, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 

The mental chatter is overwhelming at times, and it has forced me to resort to the simple stance of is paying for something regardless of it's cost, unselfish or selfish?  I've had to avoid the details, or if I got a good deal on this or that, for instance, I recently had some car work done, and I might have been overcharged, and I might have been able to take what I was charged and put it towards something new, as a downpayment, but I can confidently say, if I did that, the mechanic wouldn't be earning an income, and if the mechanic earns an income after doing a good job, although costly, can I say I was contributing to another having something and being unselfish?  Yes I can. 

My experience tells me if I play my role as an unselfish individual in a world of many people, God honors that.  He usually honors that with more money in different ways that I couldn't have every created with my own mind.  The other positive thing about me having to break it down and look at the simple fact of is it selfish or not, behavior wise, is I get to experience thoughts of it's just not about what I thought it was about.  I thought this life was all about managing well and not getting screwed by others, but I see when I am unselfish that this life is about helping others who still think it is all about not being screwed, not be screwed.  LOL. 

Not screwing others, thinking about others, doing the right things, not being a mean person, always ignoring the negative nature of the ego that is providing selfish input, has become a real silver bullet to disaster of my own making.  It is really this simple, how invested am I in unselfishness and how less selfish do I want to be today?  If I am all in on selfishness, life is going to be not as great as it can be, and I can't explain it, but I know if I just go with the flow, life is going to be a production worth experiencing outside of a grind I have to tolerate. 

This is a slow process, and the process requires a commitment in my opinion.  The commitment of always knowing you're never too great to experience help from others, and it is part of the human process to both help and be helped by others desiring a much richer experience.  Letting others help you who really want to help you is a very unselfish agenda.  Not only is it unselfish, it's a great means to having a wonderful and apprecitive experience that completely shatters the intrusive ignorance that keep so many people from being the best human being they could have ever been.  

My mind is telling me I am not doing as well as I could, but it is asking me to be more selfish, so I have to ask my mind to answer the question of if it believes that selfishness is the way?  I have been committed to recovery through humility for long enough now that I know my mind knows, it's way, of selfishness, is not the only way, and when it knows it is not the only way, it knows it can be wrong, and if it can be wrong, it can then be quiet and consider things outside of it's self, which is such a key turning point to being open minded and growing into understanding others aren't always out to screw you, and there are actually people in this world desiring to keep a person from being screwed.