Well, for a lot of us, this has not been easy, and has been full of unknowns, frustrating and irritating unknowns.  Have I considered a drink since this coronavirus event has been going on in the last month?  I have not.  

I have not gone to a meeting in probably three weeks.  I have been praying, listening to recovery information via the internet, talking to other alcoholics, but most importantly accepting that, this isolation, even though life is hard and can be challenging when not isolating, and amongst the public, can now be completely downgraded to "not a good first option".  

To think, I used to have a mind that would get up, ask myself how do I get a bag of weed, some drugs, and some strong alcohol, and do I have enough cigarettes to not go to the store again, in case I get too drunk, just so I could isolate with all of it, makes me very grateful that is not my life right now.  Those times of needing strong alcohol, marijuana in the morning, coke or X in the evening, and pills to pass out from it all, are gone, but the behavior of isolating, or temptation to do so, and in this case, requirement from society, is still a very real possibility.  

This self-isolation has also shown me that my mind, is still not good enough to give me the correct information consistently, and that it only thinks it knows the right decisions and can't always accept it might not always know.  I've been excercising so my body hasn't been so rebellious as my mind has with the orders to self-isolate and self-distance.  

The sex and checks obsessions are still alive and well.  The sex obsession I shared earlier where I wanted someone intimately that didn't want me, has eased, I am starting to see that I probably will be intimate with someone I'm much more fond of, and that it was a convience thing due to my own decisions to be working all the time, but I have had terrible bouts with jealousy that can throw my whole day off.  I've been having to accept it is what it is and re-twist my thinking into a further acceptance that I picked that particular person and they didn't pick me as a response, so naturally they will be picking somoene else if they decide to pick at all, that is their fundamental right as a human being. 

I'm not going to lie though, guys you know how it is, and women you probably know it well to, when you want someone so bad, and then you see or realize them giving themselves to someone else, especially if that someone else you know might be as good as you for them or better, accepting it as a definite rejection, is super hard, and stings so deeply (ouch).  This too shall pass, plus my friends started getting sick of hearing about it so that helped.  Me admitting I like having more than one girfriend and 10 at the same time preferably also helps much with understanding why the woman "felt" she probably would be more emotionally sound if she went with the "other guy."  LOL.    

I still stand by what I said though, she can always have me if she wants me, end of story.  

The checks on the other hand have been a whole other monster, however, I think I've let go of that burden, the financial fear that "I won't have enough to survive", rather maturely.  Seeing all the major players in a trickle down fashion give a little here, and help a little there, has renewed my higher ideal that money, isn't as important as treating others with respect and understanding.  I personally probably lost out on 4 or 5 thousand dollars this last month, which for me is enough money to stand securely on, but it also has allowed me to return to my earlier thinking in sobriety that was more catered to being happy for the little things.  

I can't do the news.  Those people need help.  I can't listen to that Dr. Fauci guy with his east coast accent and his exhausted disposition.  Everytime Donald Trump speaks at his briefings I can't trust what he is saying after his flip flopping that extended this isolating til the first of May.  However, that is all my alcoholism.  I did some work yesterday that saw being critical is so harmful.  I can do the news if I really want to for the right reasons, I just have to dig deep down inside of me and suggest to myself that those people are just doing their jobs and doing the best they can.  I can listen to Dr. Fauci and admit that it must be hard to have that much of pressure on you to answer everyone's questions being the director of how to get past a pandemic there is no precedent for in modern history.  I can understand that like him or not, Donald Trump isn't hiding under his desk whimpering to his aides to "make it go away", like some other unqualified leader might have done or might do in the future, at least he is trying.  

With that being said, I am glad this all is happening because personally, I am seeing and feeling I need to care more about others more.  I need to and want to if I am fearless enough, to make that a major priority in my life.  It feels great to know I want to place money and objects to the side and really focus on how people are doing and that probably doesn't happen if this event in history doesn't happen.  I probably would have just focused on more money, more objects, more criticism.  Life on life's terms can be pretty cool if you get out of the way.    

Nothing further, have a great day.