I am an alcoholic, my life is not manageable without some form of outside help, I do believe God is that outside form of help, I do have defects that still desire to be their own "god" in my life despite admitting all that.  

I use alcoholics anonymous to treat my alcoholism.  I highly recommend it if you are a person with alcoholism.  Within it's program, which is included inside the book their fellowship uses called the Big Book, they suggest steps, and within that, there is a fifth step.  The fifth step is part of the "Into Action" category of the program, or steps, and today I was reading its insight on one way to treat a mind that is suffering from alcoholism.

One portion of the definition of alcoholism according to them is what is known as defective thinking, both occuring when drinking and not drinking.  I am going to do a bit of a fifth step here, as a check in, so I can treat my alcoholism hopefully.  I have found through the responsibility of treating my illness, that the outside form of help I spoke of above, very much respects and honors "efforts" to improve, and I know the only thing that will be perfect in this 5th step is my willingness to do it. 

The portion of the book I was reading, Chapter 6, encouraged me to be honest and tell someone "all" of a life story.  I don't think that means necessarily I need to rat or snitch on myself and others, but more so that I need to just confess what I am thinking, so it can just be out there, not stirring around in my head possibly creating a locomotive of desire to possibly make bad decisions.

Around 8 months ago, I got interested in something that in hingsight, I would have ignored completely if I had to do it all over again.  That lead to a chain of events that had me, thinking carelessly and with little to no purpose.  I know that self-pity drove the majority of all that.  Fast forward to today, and I have removed very important excercises and disciplines from my life that help me greatly.  When I ask myself why I did this, my thoughts tell me it's to improve, which isn't that incorrect, but I am now seeing deeper that I have a mind that must really appreciate depravity and can prevent me from experiencing things I might really love, so it can possibly suggest I drink. 

The things my ego challenged me to let go of, that were consistently healthy for me and making me feel like my life actually mattered, sincerely kept me from thinking about utilizing alcohol in my life as a quality form of relief when life does what it does.  I can fabricate all day that letting go of things I love to do and do without much question of if I am doing them too much, is challenging or helping myself become more well rounded, but I know, deep down inside, it is a gamble, and not as safe a bet as doing what I know, works. 

Going forward, I do feel more secure that what works spiritually, is much healthier for people like me than doing what is "challenging."  I will persevere and I will get my goals accomplished, but what is the point of crossing a finish line first and amazing people in their areas of interest if the reward is just going to be a dead spirituality that might not have the might to ignore that low level offering alcoholism might enact by suggesting I take a drink, knowing I am not secure spiritually because I have "changed styles?"  

If I am honest, I am just not into being popular, being liked, being social, right now in my life.  I think most of the ideals of being popular, being liked, and being social are respectfully superficial.  As a matter of fact I am thinking that there is nothing idealic about being popular, liked, or social in this day and age. 

I am judgmental, I am resentful, I am dishonest because of both of those characteristics I cannot change, but do want to.  I have been unrealistic, and I have also thought I to be invincible.  I put value on how I spend money but don't value enough how unhelpful me being a tight wad has on other people's abilities to be valuable.  I am very selfish when it comes to having more money over others having more money.  I then act like that is another's problem, and undervalue their own conscious on how poor I look being that interested in me having more than them, when if both of us are being honest, I probably don't deserve it as much as them, if past dealings are taken into account. 

I am having a hard time admitting I am getting older and that is just part of being a human being.  I am not having such a hard time believing it, but I am having a hard time embracing that it is not under a law or something that it has to be a bad thing.  My conditioning of younger being better than older is really not budging in it's demand that I stay close to it's reasoning, but also at the same time, I am a hypocrite because I am telling and persuading older people all the time to enjoy being older like they are young. 

A famous person was quoted recently as being a fraud, or considering themselves a fraud, and I can relate.  I cannot help being fake, and just "getting through it" when I have the most basic dialogue with people both I know and don't know daily.  I act like I am th world's greatest communicator but the reality is when I am doing so on the inside I am very terrified that I am outright wrong and it is equally outright obvious to the person I am interacting with.  Then if the person is sound enough to agree with what I just said and also see it as awkward, I in my dishonesty , then accuse them of being wrong, and want them to be disciplined for it, despite the fact that I just said that when I communicate with others it, to me, is more awkward than not.

My ability to earn an income is not really expanding, and my ability to earn people's respect and interest is losing stock more so too, and amazingly enough, I am doing well enough, that it is not the end of the world!  LOL.  Honestly I have always thought money lovers despite even myself morphing into one somewhere way back until this day, were more immature than mature, so in the greater scheme of things, do I even care if I am trajecting to make less money, and I already shared my outlook on this concept of respect and interest in line with popularity.  The real question is if I were to be blessed with more income and more popularity, how open minded and helpful could I be so I could have a real purpose to help? 

If I am honest and telling another "all of my life" story, I am the most helpful when I am just a simple person who is not a single problem for another one else.  I usually can remain simple and not a problem that either makes me drink or others drink by just doing the next right thing based on experiences both positive and negative. 

Admitting I do wrong so often without the inclusion into my life, of my own free will given by, of the or a higher power, of the same higher power I do include, is very sobering. 

Right now since I am powerless, to an extent, and all I have to do to confess the things I know I need to remove if I could, is do so, here, here are some petty things that I am ready to have removed. 

Worry about my mortality.  Worry about if I will have enough money.  Hope that others will change and be less burdening or demanding.  Aggravation of the inability to be powerful.  Surprise or complaint from unexpected events like traffic jams or surcharges.  Judgment of people in how they act, think, or look.  Criticism of other's attempts to make the world how they see it better or more acceptable for those around them.  Negative responses to what I percieve as other's stupidity even if it is genuine stupidity.  Being overly critical to other's and forgetting that perfection is more so wishful thinking rather than a standard or expectation.  Thinking my thoughts are somehow Godly.  LOL. 

I implied it before but didn't downright say the things that I have given up for a year, but they are writing daily and listening to music constantly, or even at all, of my own choosing.  I am going through withdrawl from both, I will admit, but I have grown more appreciative for reading without the option of writing, and I have seen how my mind absent of music, or sound artform essentially, has allowed me to really only hear what I think, and a lot of what I think, needs to be majorly changed.  It has been painful and depressing to not write or listen to music, but it has really made others products to be read and how important it is to know the potentcy of my own thoughts, relevant. 

I now think since I was willing to do something new, that change, is so important if you are going to participate in God's will for you to live forever.  I was committed to not changing, I loved how I wrote and I love the music I listen to, but I now see that God might not have been able to include me in the plan going forward, if I didn't see exactly where I take myself and how my own desire to be me, can in fact end up ungodly. 

I am really blessed to have the life I have, one where I rarely get my own ways and I usually piss the most important people off at the most opportune times, through no fault of my own, a real glorified exception to a rule to be honest, but none of that really matters if I understand that I am not and never will be the God I need, and that is not ok to me, but that is ok enough to be ok.  It is not ok to me, but it is ok, for me.

Thanks for letting me share!