I can't relate, but I'm sorry that you're having this frustration. Has your wife ever considered Al-Anon? We change for the better in AA, but often our significant others need to sacrifice control that they might not have been ready to do.
I hope that's helpful.

Thank you. She has attended alanon. I think your last statement is the correct one.

Does she drink?
When I quit and my husband didn't, that stopped our "common" and that was the demise of our marriage.

I hate to say it but I have experienced the same turmoil in my marriage. My wife and I are separated and sober time does not seem to be helping the situation.

Bill Wilson himself never had a good relationship again with Loise. I know many AA members who Divorced after achieving more than ten years of sobriety.

If you ever do find the answer, please let me be the first to know.

Long story KRM,, but I do know exactly where you are coming from. My wife has stated that she wishes I could at least smoke pot, so I could watch shows like Earl, and bust a gut..
In deeper more thoughtful discussions she knows that it will all lead me back to addictive behaviors..
She reflects (at her convenience) when she feels like bitchin' at me,, I did not sign up for all this shit!!

Sorry for your pain, in the past when i was married and quit drinking - we both tried on the dry stroke, didnt know of AA - but we were at each others throat, not because of anything that was bad at the moment, it was just we met drinking, and we did not know the sober side of one another, and every marraige is different of course, you two have alot of time invested together and I think that is just so awesome, have you two opened up and talked or communicate the feelings. Does she drink ?? Maybe Alonon would work for her - there is a solution out there. And for me, AA is my solution. See if she would like to go to Alonon

I am married to an alcoholic/addict in recovery also and TODAY we attend our first "couples in recovery" meeting. Look around in your area and see if you can find one OR BETTER YET I will come on after the meeting and let you know how it goes...LOL

o.k., I am back from my meeting AND i was actually quite shocked. I got a lot out of it, big time...
and my selfish, self centered husband seemed to get even more.... Now maybe the chances are 50/50?

I think when we were drunk, we spent a lot of time escaping into our little "drunk world" and also escaping from spouses. With sobriety, you have to learn to face them and live with them all over again.
On the one hand, it's important to have something separate to call your own- a separate activity from your spouse to give you some private time BUT you also need to find something you can do with your spouse. My wife and I have totally different hobbies, but we like to do household projects together.

I'm just rambling here -Not sure what I'm trying to say. I sort of know what you mean, but it's a fine line to spend too much time together or not enough time.

Well, geez...and I thought I was the only one!! ha ha. ktharp hit the nail on the head with "significant others need to sacrifice control that they might not have been ready to do". How true is that? When I was drunk all the time I was so full of shame and guilt that I became a door-mat and actually thought I deserved it. Things have certainly changed around here since I quit drinking, especially in the past month, and it hasn't always been pretty!!

Ouuuu, sorry brother. That sucks when you work so hard to get over a problem and then another area starts falling apart (or it was already and we didn't notice it.). My thoughts are similar to Terri's you've been together 36 years, is it worth an attempt to see a counselor who works with substance abuse/and couples, I'm sure they are aware of the dynamics that kept the substance abusing couples together and the changes that can tear them apart. Good luck in what ever you decide to do, except for the drink, don't go down that road, you've came to far, and your marriage will still be in trouble even with a drink. Good luck!

without some good couples counciling after getting sober, alot of couples don't make it.

getting fanatical about AA could run off a good wife.

gettin drunk aint going to solve anything for an alcoholic jails institutions and death id find another way around all that if i was you jus my 02 cents

I can sort of relate. I had to break up a 3-4 yr relationship. We both drank.I stop ,he didnt.
The other day he called and left a messg. on my phone and said that he wished I was still drinking....
I dont have the urges anymore and I dont want to be with a drunk either. Id rather be alone...and sober.
36 yrs is a very long time to walk away from. And its not worth taking a drink for either.