My self, a fear driven set of personality traits that think they know what is best "for me", is well and active today.  I am churning a laundry list of complaints, silent tirades, and overall displeasure about what my goal is in life as a recovered alcoholic today.  I know the answer, it is to be useful and helpful to others, but my mind keeps telling me if I just lay in bed all day, and purposefully forget anything my spirit is nudging me to do, it would be a good decision.  A real liars mind I have I see today.    

I just had to come to grips that my decision maker is broken today, and it is probably due to the exhaustion of penny pinching while chasing the all-mighty (but never mighty enough) dollar.  I believe I am having a "come to jesus" moment where I am clearly seeing, the means I must go through just to pay others demanding payment, egoically, will never be worth it.  I have to drive, iron, brush my teeth, smile, be nice, sheesh!  What a burden.  I have to actually get out of bed to make a living?  You mean I have to actually take direction and order and ask for help when living a life that is aimed at helping others?  Sounds like a terrible deal.  My mind is trying to convince me that what it takes to stay sober is not worth doing.  My mind is trying to tell me receiving an income is more than a bi-product of contributing towards others needs and being responsible.  My mind simply is not well today.  It is giving me erroneous information, but my spirit is well enough where it is allowing me to know there is a malfunction. I am very selfish today, I can't help but only think of myself, and that is why I am powerless, but also doing this so I can gain some power through honesty with others.  

What could the malfunction be?  I believe it is me, making myself "important" again, if that makes sense.  I had a bit of success recently and in my mind it's grammy worthy or nobel prize-ish.  I simply just didn't lose it and tell people off when they didn't have my best interest, not exactly worthy of a medal.  The question of what is wrong today specifically I do not know entirely.  I went to a meeting, but wasn't very cheerful, I contributed in the meeting, shared honestly, read this morning, and prayed.  I will be helpful this evening to others, but I did not talk to or with other alcoholics to help with a gauge on whether or not my mind was right today.  I believe I am doing so right now and do feel much better. 

When I was drinking and using drugs, a day like this would have led to more alcohol, a definite search for drugs whilst drunk, and me getting worse and worse by the second not knowing self-pity and false entitlement were directing it all.  Thank God for this solution called self-appraisal and honest answers. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and stay warm.