This is definitely the right place. Good start in joining this site- it has helped me immensely! I'm sorry you're in a bad spot right now, but it will get better. We've all done stupid and embarrassing things when drunk and the shame from that can be overwhelming.
My social life also revolved around bars and parties- I did nothing else with friends besides drink. You can break that cycle but it is not easy.
Have you thought about going to any recovery groups, in person meetings of any kind? And don't worry about 10 days yet, just try this one sober. Good luck to you :)

Hi AnnaB12, thank you so much for your response.

You are right that the shame is overwhelming. I try to pretend I just find it funny or am not that bothered about it, I guess as a way of covering up how embarrassed I actually am.

I have thought about recovery groups, I just never get round to actually going. I guess coming on here was a first step, and hopefully hearing other peoples stories will give me some more confidence to seek face to face help.

Did you find you had to completely change social circles to break the habit? My friends are all lovely, but none of them seem to struggle with drink as I do, and they all want to drink on the weekends. I'm just not sure how to approach things to finally break this problem.

Thanks again for your response

Russian Roulette...that's a good turn of phrase to describe it. I've often had friends who drank a lot, but they didn't seem to have the problems with drink that I had.

Coming here is a good start. Lots of people find support other places as well...AA, church, counselling...

P

Welcome...I have always struggled with am I binge drinker? Either way I'm an alcoholic...I can't just have 1 drink when I drink and drinking has affected my life...the two red flags that really say I am alcoholic.

Working in a bar and wanting to stop drinking is a very hard thing to do I imagine. Coupled with the friends you have being drinkers without problems. It makes you think..or it would make me think...over and over...yea, I will just drink like them tonight....and I never could drink like anyone else.

I dunno...can you take your bar experience to the level of a hostess at a restaurant or some other profession? Your surroundings are not condusive of being supportive to your effort to stop drinking.

However, when you make the internal commitment to not drink...as I think I have done this time....it doesn't matter the atmosphere...I just won't drink no matter what.

I go to a local bar to get macaroni and cheese...they make the best..and I am not tempted to drink...even thou my b/f will have a drink...because I KNOW what happens to me...and I don't like it...and I look around and see it happening to some...and I wonder..how the hell are they going to function at work tomorrow.

Because we go a lot on Sundays....I hear and see people trashed talking about work the next day. It makes me grateful that I will be waking up with a clear head as I sit there drinking either water or a soda.

Thank you for all your responses. It really means alot.

I have been looking for alternative work where the focus isn't alcohol. It's not that I cant stop myself from drinking it, but I see people have fun and relaxing and I always make the mistake of thinking "this time I'll drink sensibly"

It's already made me feel much better having come on here and seeing that other people feel the same.

I have started looking into counselling again and hoping it will help too.

Thanks again for your responses

best of luck and keep trying and keep posting.
Sounds like you found the right place.

I have never been judged...well, maybe a couple times..but not usually on this board...but you take what you need and leave the rest.

Hello fridakh,

You are definitely in the right place so keep posting and reading.

You say that you are not dependent on alcohol as such and that may or may not be the case. One of the strange features of alcohol addiction is that the people who have it are often convinced that they dont have it. For that reason it may be useful for you to learn more about how a dependence on alcohol develops and you will then be in a better position to judge if it applies to you and to plan your next move accordingly.

There are two distinct elements to the alcohol problem and understanding this is the foundation of recovery. One part of the problem is in the mind and the other part is in the body. The mental part is an obsession for alcohol and this is what drives people to take the first drink. An obsession is an idea that can overcome all other ideas and therefore if you have that obsession, the shame that you feel now is likely to be forgotten or cast aside in a few days or a week and your mind will tell you to drink again. People who have the obsession are said to be defenceless against the thinking that leads up to taking the first drink. All sorts of reasons will be found to justify taking a drink (social anxiety etc.) but the real reason may be because drinking has become an obsession.

The physical element is an abnormal reaction in the body to alcohol. This abnormal reaction produces a craving in the body for more alcohol and so another drink is taken which increases the craving still further and it goes on like that. When a drinker goes on a binge, he or she may be trying to satisfy the craving for alcohol. The craving can only occur once the first drink is taken so the obvious answer to the problem is to avoid taking the first drink.

When drinking gets out of control and starts to cause problems a decision will often be made to quit. In my case I was always going to quit tomorrow, never today. A decision is made to stay sober and there is often a sincere desire to succeed and therefore much willpower is brought to bear on the problem. However, at the same time the mind is giving out messages such as: You need to drink and You cant survive without alcohol. Some people are able to fight the urge on willpower alone and for others no amount of willpower is sufficient to solve the problem. In my case, despite a strong desire to stay sober, a day would always come when the obsession for alcohol would overcome my willpower and I would drink again.

When everything that I could think of had been tried and had failed I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I have not taken a drink since that day. I listened to people in AA who had found a way to remove the obsession for alcohol and I have done my best to copy what they had done. I do not have the right to assume that you have the same problem that I had or to tell you what to do but hopefully my experience will leave you more informed and better able to plot your best course of action. The good news is that no matter how bad things may seem to be, there is hope.

Hello! You did the good thing of seeking help. I also started drinking at the age of 14 and continued until just a year and half ago, I am now 39. When I started, I drank out of peer pressure as a way to fit in with the kids. I never liked the taste of alcohol, I only liked the feeling. As I got older I realized how alcohol could help me cope with everything unpleasant in my life, even in my loneliness I could count on alcohol to be there for me. I hadn't realized that I had become dependent on it to get me through all situations, good and bad.

In my twenties I could "control" the amount of alcohol I drank. I could drink enough just to feel buzzed but never drunk. It was fun back then because I had friends to drink with and I never drank alone. I didn't drink every day, I was more of a binge drinker. I drank a lot of alcohol in one night and could be without it for days or weeks. However, as I got older, my drinking progressed. It was getting to the point of constant blackouts and dangerously close to alcohol poisoning. By this time I was married and had a daughter. I didn't care who I hurt anymore. I created more problems than I could handle and I turned to alcohol as a way to cope. It eventually took total control over me. I was feeling so sick and miserable the more I drank to numb myself. I refused to acknowledge I had a problem (denial), I continued to blame everyone, and I became so mean, selfish and uncaring. It is true that alcoholism is a progressive disease. This is where I lost my marriage and I left my home with my daughter. This was my rock bottom, yet, it wasn't enough to get me to quit.

This was around 2005. It was the very first time the thought came into my mind that something was wrong with my drinking. Just like you wrote in you post, that is what I felt too. I didn't like blacking out and doing stupid things, hurting people with my words and actions, thinking that going to bars and events with alcohol was the only fun thing to do. I knew I had to change in order for my life to be set free and happy. I was doing the same things expecting different results, then I would wonder why things were always messing up and I was still unhappy. Yet, my denial and my powerlessness kept me stuck in addiction. I wasn't ready to take a look at myself and all the things I had done to get me to this point. I was also deathly afraid to give up alcohol that was a huge part of my life. So I continued to binge drink even though each time it did not bring me any happiness or closure. I no longer had a "social" circle so I drank alone. I came close to death several times because my body had no limit on how much it wanted to take. It took me many downfalls but on August 5, 2014 I finally made a decision to quit after I had a very bad one night experience of binge drinking.

Now that I am in recovery I am unearthing a lot of my past and the reasons to my drinking. I wasn't drinking to be social or have fun. My drinking was more of a band aid to cover deeper things I never wanted to deal with. I was holding myself bondage to a lot of my hurts of the past and instead of dealing with them, I drank to push them out of my mind. You see because I started drinking at an early age, I missed the opportunity to grow emotionally and mentally to handle emotions, problems, thoughts, feelings. It's like I bypassed that stage of life of figuring out healthy coping mechanisms and went straight to adulthood. That's why when I grew older, any kind of problem or feeling that I couldn't deal with I turned right to alcohol. I did not have the mental capacity to handle adult problems/situations. All I had learned was how to hide, numb, run from those things instead. Today I have found a way that continues to help me cope in healthier ways and to learn a new way of living.

So I know exactly where you are in your drinking life. I lived a life of alcoholism for 25 years. Due to that length of addiction, my brain and body will always be hardwired to think like an alcoholic. That is where my challenge lies now to overcome old addictive thinking patterns. To unlearn old belief systems, attitudes and lifestyles. I admit it was very difficult in the beginning and I kicked and screamed to change! But my determination to be sober, to stop feeling sick, ashamed and guilty kept me going each day to become a better me. I was not going to allow my past to keep me in bondage anymore. I can't tell you how good it feels now to be in a social circle and not have to pretend that you are someone you are not. I can maintain conversations and feel good about my life now. I am no longer ashamed.

It took me 10 years to finally get sober and now that I am I only wished that I had done it a lot sooner. I put myself through a spiritual based recovery program that has helped. It has not been easy but with the right kind of support I am able to handle. I have a whole new lifestyle that includes a new social circle of sober friends. My old friends are few now. It has taken me a lot of self work, honesty, determination, commitment, motivation, courage, bravery and strength to remain sober. In addiction we are all broken and unhealed. Once you find that courage to deal with your addiction, you can become healed and your life put back together. I have seen it happen many times with other recovering addicts. All I can do now is share my story and offer hope to those that are thinking of making a change. It can be possible.

Just by admitting you want to change is a first step. How long it takes to make the second step is up to you. Like me, it took me 9 years to get sober. It varies with everyone but don't get discouraged. Only YOU can determine when enough is enough. I know I went through many years of drunken nights and saying I'm never going to do it again only to get right back into when the opportunity arises. I don't regret my alcoholism. I'm glad it has brought me to a place of understanding. For some people addiction can be overcome in sobriety, for others, it is unbearable to quit and you hear stories of death, prison, etc. There is nothing glamorous about addiction. The truth is it is a destructive, progressive disease but there is help if you want it.

I have learned a lot from everything I went through. I may not be perfect in my recovery but each day I do my best to change at least one thing. Because I know if I have just one drink, I'll be downing a 12 pack easily. My body will resort back to where I left off. I remember my last binge episode and it's enough for me to say I don't need it. I pray you will find your inner strength and courage to make positive changes in your life. Nothing worthwhile and good ever comes easy. Take care and good blessings!

I hope you're doing okay today! Thinking of you. And yes, I completely changed social circles. I just haven't found my new social circle yet :) I stopped going out and when invited I would say I was just staying home instead, or was busy. It was lonely at times (and still is) and I felt like I was missing out for awhile, but it gets easier. I have a few friends that I can go to dinner with, go on walks with, that do drink occasionally but aren't total partiers. No one expects me to go out to bars anymore but no one ever made a big deal of it either. It took awhile for me to feel comfortable being around even normal social drinking, so I just stayed away from people entirely. I'm slowly now trying to build relationships with people that fit well with my life. Just remember every bad feeling you have at the moment (nervousness, embarrassment, etc.) it will pass.

I started right here and then found a local room of recovering Alchies. They taught me ways to live without drinking. My life is so incredible I could not begin to tell you.

I went from a blackout drinker to recovering It is possible

Take action, make things happen!

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