Have you ever tried AA? I go to meetings, somedays are still harder than other but I do stay sober longer with AA than trying it on my own.

I suffer from a powerful disease called alcoholism and I am an alcoholic.

That is the first step that helped me become free from the insanity you have described perfectly. I have been where you are now and can tell you that thanks to some suggestions from the AA program and a power greater than myself I have been able to stay sober for over 5 years.

The day I walked through the doors of my first meeting I was well on my way to being happy joyous and free.

It took over 20 years to get into a program that would help me with my disease. I wish is had happened sooner but it took what it took.

I am glad you are here, hang in there and keep coming back.

this disease is as the book says cunning, baffling and powerful. It lies to us and tells us we dont have it. Un like cancer or aids or many other diseases we cant be physically tested for it so it makes it difficult for us to really see that we have it. The best thing is go to meetings and listen. If you can relate to what the people say then you have earned your seat there. Get a big book and read it. Continue to go to meetings even if you dont want to. Get a sponsor and talk with other alcys. Again if you can relate to there stories then they can help you. God bless.

Confused, there is only one way to change...let the people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous guide you through the change process...It really doesn't hurt, they ask little of you, and the rewards: well you probably won't drink for today, your self-esteem will rise, the feeling of uselessness and hopelessness will leave you and you will make new friends, friends who will be there for you through thick and thin, good times, painful times. I know this is true for I have experienced it and seen it in countless of people like you who go to AA. I have seen it for the last 25 plus years. Try walking into a room today...What do you have to lose besides the desire to drink.

I can tell ya why that is... the part of you that doesn't want to change is still attatched to living in the fears and insecurities. That part actually enjoys having an escape clause, or some sort of friend to turn to that makes the emotional triggers easier to deal with. That part that doesn't want to change, probably hates the part of you that becomes evil and nasty when you drink, and vice versa. The part that says keep on drinking, just can't imagine how to behave, or how it will cope when it is asked to give up the alcohol. You are still being controlled by fear, even if you can't identify just yet what you are afraid of. In part its denial, and maybe in part you havn't reached rock bottom yet.

Thankfully, I never had to reach rock bottom and lose everything I hold dear before I came to my senses and realized that what I disliked about myself when I drank (like the fact I didn't know how to stop) were in fact the very things that threatened to destroy me.

In order to recognize, and change these things, you may need help of some sort. It doesn't have to be AA, why don't you try your healthcare provider and be honest about what you are drinking and how, let them guide you with your decisions regarding the extent to which you have a problem and ways to begin healing and recovery. Maybe AA, or an alcohol counsellor, or some other programme. Look into yourself and decide if things are bad enough for you to want to change, or if you think you could get a little lower first.

I wish you all the best in journey and I hope to read more about your recovery! God bless.

Why is it that i forget about my remorse from drinking so easily and so quickly? I'm terrified to have to think about everything i've done while drinking and having to deal with it.What if i can't handle the truth???!!! I really am going to try to go to a meeting tomorrow. But i'm scared to break down!! Can i really be honest with myself and everybody else there and not get judged? I really need support from anyone out there... i feel like there isn't anyone out there who has done what i have.. who has never felt what i'm feeling.. all i know is that deep down i REALLY want a good life... whatever that is ... and to feel like i deserve it... thank you to all of you out there for being supportive

It is like there is at least 2 of me in my head. Before the one that wanted to do it "one more time" always won. There was always that one voice that said "I need to stop," but I never listened. You know when you say "I want to kill myself" you're actually talking about 2 seperate enteties. Look at the verbage of that statement. I and MYSELF. It's as if there's 2 of me. The real me really wants to stop, be clean, and have a chance at life, family, etc. but the other one doesn't want to stop. The one that doesn't want to stop is my mind, but it's so real when it's going on I can't seperate fact from fiction because I'm so identified with my mind. It's the death of this false reality what the program's about and you will only be ready when you stop fighting. Sometimes you have to come out of the bushes with your hands up and say "I give up, what do you want me to do." It's a metaphor of course on what surrender kinda looks like, of course it's different for everyone. The first step is admitting(esp. to yourself) then followed by some action, like going to a meeting. Pride stands in our way more than anything else.

confuse you know its not gonna get better you said it yourself you know that your a alcoholic and the one thing i would suggest to you is to go to a meeting introduce yourself and ask for help get some phone numbers and a meeting list trust me know one is gonna judge you and the people that you meet thier have been threw exactly what your going threw now all you have is today dont drink and go to a meeting ask for help i will be praying for you sister peace

i was in a detox withdrawing- no meds- puking in a wastebasket- when an old timer told me this,"remember pearl harbor?" i said yes- before my time-but yes. he said ,"you know japan eventually surrendered and now they are one of the richest countries in the world." i don't know why but i never forgot that story. i guess i saw that giving up can be more powerful than refusing to give up. love you. devonh

I know exactly what you mean so please do not think you the only one who behaves like that when they are drinking.I am trying to quit for the second time and being all the things you said is one of the reasons.Not quite as bad.When we get like that its the sickness of alcholism.When we get like that its the disease manifesting itself.Its a horrible thing.But its real and we know it but we do it anyway,ya know.I am trying to not do it to me anymore and I am here for you.We need support...don't be afraid,ok?You were very brave to write what you did.

I have the exact same problem.
Everyday I say I won't drink tonight. And every day I do.
Any everyday I am sick and hungover. I can't stop. I went to one AA meeting and hated it.

FROM MY EXPERIENCE '"THE WANT HAS TO MORE THAN THE NEED'
YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE THE 1ST STEP BY COMING ON HERE.
JUST A SUGGESTION GO TO A MEETING AND JUST LISTEN MAYBE YOU WILL HERE SOMETHING AND YOU SAY MAYBE I WILL TRY THAT. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF

you have already worked the first half of the first step. we are not unique we are not alone. when i talked about my wrongs to my sponsor or the fifth step he had his original right there and was saying yeah i did that to and that and that and that. It is the same way in the rooms of aa. When you talk look around and see how many heads are nodding yes to the things you say. We all did things we regret but there is a way to release all that pain and resentment and it is throught the 12 steps of aa. It will help you suceed in becoming that person that you want to be. Is it easy NO it isnt but it is the most fulfilling and gratifying work i have ever done in my life. to face my god my parents and my friends sober today makes it all worht it. To see the tears in my moms eyes the night she came to the meeting and watched me take a year coin made all this worth the pain. God bless you and hey give it a try what do you have to lose but a little time.

IT'S GOING TO BE A STRUGGLE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.THE FEAR OF PUBLIC HUMILIATION HAS TO BE THE STRONGER FORCE.I ONLY TAKE IT HOUR TO HOUR, THAT'S HOW I KEEP AWAY! (AND I STILL CRAVE THE DRINK)!

well... fear and pain got me into AA. The fear originated from me wondering how the hell i could live MY ENTIRE LFE without alcohol... ever again!
And the pain,from literally not being able to quit on my own... and all the things that i had done, just running through my head. also... the dt's can be pretty painful, that sucked...
But yeah...so i went to my first meeting. and i saw something in there that i had lost literally years before. Hope. These people, were talking about their times when they were drinking, talking about the problems they are facing today... and all of it... i mean that, ALL of it had an underlying message of hope.
I knew that if i pursued what these people had... that my life could have hope again. And well, in the true nature of things, as soon as i accepted that there could be hope... i had hope myself... a tiny little light of life bloomed within me again... and from that moment on, i had a chance. The only time that i could and would not get help... was when i was hopeless... being hopeless made me helpless (yeah i know it sounds corny, but it is true)
Now, the reason i pout all that out there is to now say this.
Fear and pain will get you sober. Hope and Love will keep you sober.
Because i don't know about you... but i am not going to spend the rest of my life a miserable old coot, so i am going to means(working the steps) so that i can truly enjoy life again.