It's a personal choice I believe, lostnursetoo. I'm so sorry to hear about your son's problem there. The general yardstick seems to be if a person does not want to stop drinking for him or herself, little can be done to change the outcome. It's awful to feel so powerless to help someone in that kind of situation.

If, however, he does truly want to stop there is hope. I do believe other peoples' experience in these situations can be invaluable and that's why I often recommend Al-Anon for friends and relatives, also alcoholic or not, in the programme or not.

Hi, I don't think you have to have a certain amount of time sober before you start reaching out to others. I mean, you can point the way and let him know his options, and share your story. Good luck with your own sobriety, too.

It probably depends on the reasons for reaching out and what you hope to achieve.

Im not sure if I can mention the fellowship whose initials come before BB without scaring off every new person who visits the forum, but when I first started to go to their meetings, one of the things that probably helped me the most was reaching out to new people who came in the door just after me. With my limited knowledge and wisdom, it was a case of the blind leading the blind but trying to share my very imperfect experience with those people helped me to stay sober. A man called Bill Wilson tried something similar a long time ago and after three months of talking to people with drinking problems without any success whatsoever, he was ready to give up in despair. He commented to his wife Lois that not one of the people whom he had tried to help was sober. Lois replied, No, but you are. Trying to help other alcoholics may not get them sober but it can keep you sober.

Also at that fellowship that alcoholics should apparently avoid at all costs, I learned that there is not one person in this whole world that I can get sober. I can try to carry the message but I believe that there is some other powerful force at work that enables those people to achieve things that were previously impossible. Thy will, not mine be done.

Dont know if that answers your question but that is my experience.

Realizing I may not have been clear in what I was really asking with this question. In your experience, has failing to help another, especially someone you love with all your heart, been dangerous to your own recovery or should you wait until you yourself are farther down the path before you take on something this big?? I know I can't do it for him, but I also know that if the next time he drives drunk he kills himself or another person I will wish I had tried harder to help him.

Someone came to me for help when I was pretty early on in sobriety. We talked a lot and it helped me -- perhaps more than her. She continued drinking for a time.

Based on your second comment, I think you should talk to him about it, without any expectations that it will help him get sober.

You have a chance to offer another human compassion or turn away ,,I VOTE COMPASSION,,

Oh Lost, that is so sad. Only 27 years old. I have a son in law who I know is on his way to becoming one. He is 33. I also worry about my youngest because she parties all of the time. Her biological father and grandfather are also alcoholics. I watched my step son drink a six pack in 5 minutes.

I don't think it has anything to do with how long u have been sober. I know though that when I quit before it was because I acknowledged it. It was the same this time. My kids (my daughter's esp) told me I was drinking too much. It just made me mad. But if he has had 4 DUI's there certainly is an issue. I don't really know how to handle it though honestly.

Yes, talk to him FOR SURE! The only reason not to say anything is you think he won't respect your opinion based on your sobriety time (that seems to be front and center in your question). At 27 with 4 DUI's he knows the severity of it, but then again we all do and for me I chose to feed the disease incessantly until I knew I had hit the big bottom. All I'm saying is offer help as much as getting him to realize he needs to help himself and be there for him...my 2 pennies.

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I have talked to him repeatedly and he acknowledges his problem, he just doesn't seem ready or possibly able to address it yet. If you all could have seen him the morning he poured that shot. I questioned him about it, gave him my opinion and the option to just pour it back in the bottle or put it in the freezer for later, and his response was "I know, this is wrong and you're right" and then he stared at that shot glass like it was a steaming plate of food and he was a starving man. Broke my heart to see the need on his face. He picked it up, turned his back to me and drank it. And then he apologized. That was a big old red flag waving in my face.

Hello lostnursetoo,

From my own limited experience I can say that I would have tried everything in order to keep drinking and avoid having to face reality and your son probably feels that way too.

In my case, ignorance of the facts was an important factor. First of all, although I sort of knew that my drinking was out of control I avoided thinking about it too much, probably out of fear that I would have to do something I did not want to do. I did not know anything about alcoholism so I honestly did not think that I was an alcoholic. And lastly, when it got really bad I believed that it would be impossible for me to stop drinking and to live without alcohol. My thinking was completely wrong but I did not know that at the time. Maybe that is similar to where your son is right now.

I am not trying to promote anything here and apologies to meblonde if previous comments seemed to be directed at her. My comments were general and tongue in cheek and not meant to be hurtful or directed at anyone in particular. That said, it would be wrong of me not to share with you what I think could help your son, even if that involves suggesting that he should look into AA. At the very least, he should have some knowledge about how alcoholism develops and he would get that from The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous). He should know that he is not in a hopeless position and that there is a way to solve the problem. What he chooses to do after that is up to him and despite learning about his condition, he may choose to continue drinking.

What you can do is be there for him and most importantly to show him by your own example that there is a solution. Alcoholics do not like being told what to do so suggestions are important. Keep planting the seed in his mind and although it may take time he will hopefully make his own decision to stop.

Again, I am not out to offend anyone here or to cause a big debate when I mention a programme of recovery. Should things turn out badly and your son gets into big trouble, you would be better equipped to deal with such setbacks if you yourself had availed of such a programme. You can reach out and help someone and do your best but the outcome will not always be what you would wish it to be. In cases like that it is important to accept that some things are beyond your control. That is where a spiritually based programme of recovery can make the difference between relapse and continued sobriety, in good and in bad times.