you should think of alanon groups....it is for friends of alcoholics....and partners of them too....we would be speculating...I do not think he would like it if you forbid him to drink now at your house because the pattern is set already...he brings his bottles...he gets to consume at his own pace and leisure....

I am in a similar situation and am starting to think he wont actually ever get help unless something drastic happens. He knows he has a problem but I think in actuality he is in denial. Not been taught proper ways to cope with anything except all these years to act like nothing is wrong essentially and just drink through it. I think if you tell him he cant drink when he is with you or at your place it wont change the situation. If anything it might just push him away or discourage him. Which may in actuality not be so bad if in effect he is essentially choosing the bottle over you. However, knowing what situation you are in this is not so cut and dry and far more complicated. Its difficult being with someone who is essentially two different people. Their sober self and their drunk self. Particularly when it is someone you love. I wish I could be more helpful it seems though you really want to be there for him. Just thought it might help for you to know your not alone but also not to forget that your feelings are important too (something I wish I would remember more often)

Aronia could you purchase the AA Big Book and give it to him as a Christmas gift? Hint Hint! :-)

the big book talks about delusions that alcoholics are in....they think they can continue to drink without consequences....if they get sober they get the delusion that it is ok to drink again but this time they will have control and not have it rip their family and friends apart from them....some people call this denial but the book calls them delusions that the alcoholic believes are true...

Well, that's another interesting thing - he doesn't not act any different drunk or sober !

Hello Aronia,

If your friend truly is an alcoholic you would be wise to thread carefully.

It is important to understand that the mind of an active alcoholic will have become obsessed with drinking. An obsession may be described as ‘an idea that overshadows and overcomes all other ideas’. Therefore, love and everything else will take second place. Alcoholism is also a progressive condition, meaning that it will get worse with time.

Therefore, your relationship is likely to follow one of several paths. Your partner will continue to drink, regardless of whether you ban him from drinking at your place or not. The amount that he drinks will continue to increase and the sober periods will get shorter. His drinking will have increasingly serious consequences both for himself and for those around him. You will need to decide if this is the sort of life that you want going into the future.

The second type of outcome is totally different and it involves recovery from alcoholism. In order for recovery to take place, it is first of all necessary for the alcoholic to recognise and accept that drinking has become a problem. This can be difficult due to a lack of knowledge, denial that a problem exists and a strong fear about the future. It is therefore vital that an alcoholic and indeed those who are around him to educate themselves about alcoholism. The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) is a good source of knowledge, especially the first 164 pages. In order to get the full benefit of what is in the Big Book, it can be helpful to listen to speakers such as the two gentlemen at the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phHXCn25MmY

I love AA, and am a proud member. But I disagree with getting him a big book.

The program can't be forced onto people. They have to want it. There is no hint hint. It's a discussion about concern and how the relationship may not last as a result.

Threats won't work. They have to feel a real loss. It will be a downward spiral for any drinker until they hit bottom.

I really don't think he will change or get help unless something drastic happens.

It took me losing my job, losing my marriage and losing everything that meant anything to me before I drove myself to the ER and told them I needed help. I was immediately placed in detox for 4 days. After detox I went through outpatient treatment and following outpatient treatment, I went through 3 months of relapse prevention group counseling. Throughout all the treatment I had, regular attendance at AA meetings were a requirement. All of this took place over 8 years ago. Today, I am happier then I have ever been, and I have a great life.

We have something in common where my mother died of alcoholic liver sirosis at the age of 52. It was devastating to me and the guilt, I felt, from, my inability to stop her from committing a slow suicide, followed me around for the next 30 years and it wasn't until I received treatment for my own addiction that I discovered, alcoholism is a family disease because it causes family members to alter their lives and to live life differently then they would had everyone been normal! This is something I learned in treatment. For that reason, I really believe Alanon would help you. It is designed specifically for friends and families of alcoholics. You can google meetings in your area.

My personal feeling is, if you accept the status quo, you will have some difficult hardships down the road but it is your choice in the end.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

Thank you all so much for the responses and advice. Congrats on being strong and leading sober lives.
Yes..:I ve signed up for something very bad. I think I will have to go back to therapy to find out why.
I am an RN with lots of experience, especially ER. I deal with addicts on daily basis, so you can imagine that I have seen the nitty gritty - esophageal varicies ruptures, liver failure, encephalopathy, portal vein hypertension... I also see what the spouses go through .. it is mostly women who get to dig their husbands out of the gutter, jail, etc.
I m starting to question if I have some mommy issues surfacing again.
Wish me luck. I hope to make some difference in his life... for his kids too. I hope to prolong his time on earth for me and for them as well.

Ariona, your concern for your partner is commendable. I speak as the husband of an alcoholic wife.

I agree with other replies that he will need to find his own turning point with drink that brings him to realise he is worse off drinking than being sober - with my wife it was getting cancer and realising she may have caused her own cancer through drinking. She's backed off a huge amount but I know she still has craving, even though she says different. Before she began to improve, but after she was diagnosed with cancer I was really desperate because I felt I couldn't walk away with her facing cancer, and yet, I'd gotten to the point where I wanted to - she'd become a nightmare. It looks like her treatment is helping and we have hope she's going to survive - but if she does, and she resumes drinking then I'm history.

What I would say to you is, however much you love this guy, you can't put your own life on hold to become his keeper. If he's a good guy as you say, he will know that's right, and he wouldn't want you to. He may say he's desperate for help - which would be big progress, but you are not the real help - you need to point to where the help is, and that is AA.

I learned myself I can support my wife, but I can't carry her - its the same for you.

Thank you so much for the insight and for sharing your stories..
We had a frank discussion and he basically told me that he can't promise he will ever be alcohol free. I think he will never stop drinking and I either have to accept it or move on.
I learned to live for right now after my accident 4 years ago, so I will stay in this relationship. As soon as it becomes a problem, I will figure out what else to do..:
Sad. He is probably going to die.

Everybody is going to die. Maybe sooner or later. If he doesn't want you to help him or help himself, then he is probably a lost cause for now. But I do believe that there would come a time, a turning point in his life when he will realize the time, money and effort wasted on being alcoholic. We just don't know when will that happen but let's hope that it will soon. Recovery would not work without accepting and taking action of addiction. Just be strong. If you think that this relationship is not doing any good for you, then leave. There are so many second chances. We just have to be positive in life.