Oh yes!!! That is how it started when I have relapsed because I was feeling soooooo good! I went out to lunch with my friend and she had wine and I really wanted one, but then chose to drink diet coke.

That is the addictive voice, it will tell you any lie to get a drink, and it doesn't care if it destroys your health, dignity and life. Would you listen to advice from a sadist about how to live? Would you let a thief manage your money?

When that voice starts with me, I pat its head, gag its mouth, and thank my lucky stars I've got some clarity about which voice in my head to listen to!

Yes-when I was an active alcoholic. You are headed down a dark road bob. Glad you posted. This is what I would do if I were you:

Write down a bio of what happened in your alcoholic days.
Watch some "Intervention" episodes about alcoholics
View some decaying livers on the internet
Read read read about denial
Go to meetings for AA (you are in AA-if I remember correctly)

You got a fork in the road here-which way are you headed?

I wanted to add-I have brief flashes that I can drink when I am around highschool friends from the past. I believe that I am just as "good" as them, and why the hell did they become an adult get to have a "normal" life and me not so much? My addict brain is so obvious to me-but I still respect it's power. You know what? I don't tempt it. When I see old highschool friends I do not go out with them when they are drinking. Maybe in the future I will, but not today. We have lunch and diet cokes-bug whoop.

I wanted to add-I have brief flashes that I can drink when I am around highschool friends from the past. I believe that I am just as "good" as them, and why the hell did they become an adult get to have a "normal" life and me not so much? My addict brain is so obvious to me-but I still respect it's power. You know what? I don't tempt it. When I see old highschool friends I do not go out with them when they are drinking. Maybe in the future I will, but not today. We have lunch and diet cokes-bug whoop.

I wanted to add-I have brief flashes that I can drink when I am around highschool friends from the past. I believe that I am just as "good" as them, and why the hell did they become an adult get to have a "normal" life and me not so much? My addict brain is so obvious to me-but I still respect it's power. You know what? I don't tempt it. When I see old highschool friends I do not go out with them when they are drinking. Maybe in the future I will, but not today. We have lunch and diet cokes-bug whoop.

I wanted to add-I have brief flashes that I can drink when I am around highschool friends from the past. I believe that I am just as "good" as them, and why the hell did they become an adult get to have a "normal" life and me not so much? My addict brain is so obvious to me-but I still respect it's power. You know what? I don't tempt it. When I see old highschool friends I do not go out with them when they are drinking. Maybe in the future I will, but not today. We have lunch and diet cokes-bug whoop.

Nope, I can't identify. I'm rational today so alcohol is a non-issue for me. Are you still attending meetings? Have a sponsor? Taken the steps? Do you actually live by the principles?

I notice you are on quite a few other boards supporting others. You seem to be such a kind hearted soul but now's the time to support yourself. Get off the computer and get connected with the sober people at AA again. You're on a slippery slope IMO.

No, I cant identify with that either. If I had never gone to AA or had a sponsor explain the Steps I think that I probably would be thinking by now (assuming that I could find some way to stop drinking) that I was cured of alcoholism.

By going to a couple of meetings a week I am reminded about what happens to other people and could happen to me. Last Sunday, I said a silent prayer as I passed by a lonely graveyard where a lovely young woman I knew is now laid to rest. She was doing fine a few months ago but then got the idea that she could have a few drinks.

Yes for sure. That's why I need to stay in the middle of the pack.

I so appreciate your honesty and openness Bob. You've had a tough year, and you still put yourself out there and share your doubts -- your moment of concern -- and I think that is a great way to shut that voice telling you to drink down.

You can't drink though. No matter what. So just push that thought out and do what you need to in order to keep it out!

As usual, when someone says something completely honest and open about where they are at, it always makes me look at where I am, and your post did that, bob. For me I have just been through too much and learned about my alcoholism too much that I know for a fact I am a bona fide, card carrying alcoholic. I knew if for years before I stopped and know it now, even though I have been sober for a short time.

When I am disturbed or feel off center, I don't look at booze anymore - I know I am not doing something that I should - working more with others, praying, meditating, etc. But I can say that alcohol isn't on the menu any more.

I too have seen too many guys go back out who have felt the same as you, bob, and some of them I never saw come back. So I too have learned through them that once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber, as they say.

Thanks for the post. :)