Me too. I used to have very high highs and very low lows. Today I try to just stay in the middle.

There is some inner pull that says I don’t deserve to be happy. It is very common. It’s tied to early feelings of guilt and somewhere in my past, survivors guilt. I had a sister that died and I basically felt guilty for feeling good or even being alive.

These are behaviors that drove me to drink so much. I now just recognize that I’m supposed to be happy. Not sad. The permission is something that I need to give to myself. The permission to be happy

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Thank you howiesmom! I will definitely look into counseling to help navigate my feelings. Yes, I can see that a sense of not being worthy and how it is connected to past feelings.

Thank you 1is2many! The highs and lows is a trip. I have stayed in the middle, and definitely I know that I am a survivor by over coming. I will practice giving my self permission to be happy.

Bravo!

Everything is temporary. This includes happiness. No one is happy all the time, Today I am mostly content. I have happiness, it fades away. I have sadness it fades away. I enjoy the happiness but I don't grasp onto it. When i drank I drank to get the happiness back. I did not want to let it go.Everything is impermanent. I am not he same person that i was yesterday, Each day is different. My body and mind is not the same as it was when I was a child. .

Thank you Impermanence, and Jeffneedshelp! It does appear that I am happy most of the time. I guess when it is my time to be sad, I shut down to a degree. Since my last episode six years tomorrow, I have really been communicating more when something is wrong. Example is this online discussion with peers that can relate. Temporary is something that I will highlight in my spirit. I have also had to let a job go that I was working part time that I wanted to hang on to. There is a lot of feelings attached to it, but I have a new career that is going to take off after I graduate. It is for the best, and there is a underline emotion associated with that profession. But going forward, it's for the best. Again I say thank you.

I never felt I was good enough, always trying 10 times harder, always critical of my accomplishments, looking at any negative other than being okay with what I had done. I was an over achiever, until it broke me, and I started giving up. I found out after some therapy that this stemmed from my growing up with an abusive environment where no matter what I did, it would never be good enough. Now I know that was all crap...I am good enough ..and so are you, What an incredible accomplishment, congratulations...you are worth it, and you have every right to enjoy this, You are doing great things, many have never been able to do, give yourself credit.

Thank you fauxartist!
Yes, I am worth it. I know that it stemmed from growing up with a mom that is narcissistic. To this day, I am always being critically examined by her. It has gotten better, I have been protecting my sobriety from it. I appreciate your feedback , and it is well received. I do not think I need therapy just of yet, but I will consider if I keep voting myself off the island. You have made my day a joy to celebrate my accomplishment.

I'm very happy for you, and yes, you made my day too my friend :)