Unchecked inherent selfishness AA says is the root of my troubles.  They say I use this selfishness as a way to function in life, and it ends up stepping on the toes of others, who then retaliate.  For me it's been one thing to say I am selfish, but another to admit I am inherently selfish and need help having that removed.  

There have been some recent changes in my life that are now allowing me to see that inherent selfishness a bit more closely.  For one, after admitting I have a body and mind that are slightly different from normal fellows, in only the simple case of what alcohol does to me, I see a power, or believing in a God would from a practical sense, help.  

After acknowledging seeing help as a normal opportunity in life, and is what a normal person does in how they react to a problem out of their control, I then am asked to believe that the help I am seeking be extremely powerful and capable of solving problems of an inherent nature, for not just me, but all parties involved. 

I decide to partner with this power, because my ego still is unsure that less might be more, and not more is more.  At this point I have to ask myself why do I always seem to subconsciously want more? 

Why am I bothered so much I might "need" a drink, over a 30 dollar cost when I have 30 times that amount in my jeans pocket?  Why can I not see that the 30 dollar cost will go to another person who can then use that payment to make themselves more secure?

Why do I feel the need to criticize others on social media who might lack the opportunity to communicate massively due to their circumstances?  Why do I feel I need more justification to be right when doing so? 

Why do I feel the more intelligent I become, the more you need to argue with me? 

I believe my self needs these things, and not my spirit or my relationship with a higher power.  Whenever I need more, I am not at ease, so therefore I am dis-eased, when my mind, particularly my ego, demands I recieve or acquire more. 

In the spirit of unselfishness, this confession is only applicable to me, right now, and it would be selfish for me to try to manipulate others into believing this is a spiritual law or principle, all this is a personal confession, and I have to admit, it sucks and divides my interest with others. 

Wanting more can have major value down the line, and in fact, some would find it irresponsible to not always be calculating towards more.  Those calculations are based on a knowledge and security that is working, not an ignorance that doesn't even know why more is bad for him. 

So why, do I, and alcoholic, not need more?  Well, for one, more requires an ego, again, and that ego will be driven by fear, over what it percieves is what it "needs" to survive, consulting with only itself, usually feeling it is overwhelmingly lonely, based on the assumption that God knows not it. 

Knowing that God knows requires an attempt to try, and if I am not even trying to be unselfish, I will be bolstering the verocity of my ego's dialogue, and before I know it, swamped with it's demands and petty insecurities, directly due to it's disconnection with it's creator, which fundamentally is both inside and outside it's self.  So am I saying the ego itself has it's own self? 

I absolutely am saying the ego itself has it's own self, and examination of that, through inventory, will tell me what generates my ignorance in the form of an ego, which I also have to admit, in terms of a worldly recognition, is very good at competiting in that arena. 

So ego be very good in the world, and not so good in the heavens, because the heavens knows no more, and the world can't get enough of it. 

I will share this particular ego with you all now, I will share this individuals ego.  I am not going to grandise my mind's concepts of a fundamental ego, I will just exemplify my own. 

My ego usually thinks about several things consistently.  It thinks about how it can get more security, how it can get more worship, how it can get more dopamine, and most of all how it can ignore and dismiss the fact that a higher power shows it without much concern for it's feeling how powerless it actually is if it ever were to get raw and real. 

With that being said, my ego cyclically, exhaust my body, and my mind.  When exhausted I need relief, like all men.  However, the difference between me and normal men is if that relief is acquired, by drinking alcohol, that relieve will not suffice as an acceptable more, it will erupt into an obsessive need for more.  That obsessive need for more will be a fabrication created by my mind, through it's ego, which at this point is a warped condensing of objectives that to a higher power must be laughable. 

I've found that embracing the ridicule, and understanding that the laughter is love, helps a bunch.  If I can see clearly that a need for more, might lead to a need for more of more bullshit, I might see that this ego is taking me mentally away from more of a spiritual connection to the source that created all things, which my ego is just a speck of, unbeknowst to it. 

So do I want more or does my ego want to be in charge?  Does that wanting to be in charge, need to be backed by ignorance?  Does a backing of ignorance even make sense in a free world?  Would a power that is higher than me and wants to care for my life need to lead it with ignorance?  Can I say my ego is so deficient that it needs ignorance to survive and function? 

If I can say yes, then what is the point of an ego, that is demanding more, because of it's own ignorance?  At this point I need to fire my own ego, not re-charge it to claim it's own victory, which if seen with a powerful spirit, knows it can do no more than be a complete loser. 

Admitting your ego has made you an complete loser is not an easy thing to do, because of pride, which takes us back to humility, one of the core principles in recovering from a mental and physical disease.  Why do I want more?  I want more because I am not powerful enough to not do so, of my own making, which is of my own mind's ego.  Why do I not want less?  I do not want less because it threatens my ego's calculating that it needs more to succeed.  Needing more to succeed is not a flawed principle, and this is very important to understand, in clarity, however needing more for me, might lead to need for relief, due to the stress of acquiring more, and if I do address that stress with relief from alcohol, I will need death, insanity, or an institution to tame my own instincts ignorant and selfish ambitions at that point. 

Fairly harsh to say I'd need those three things above, so I move to strike that as factual, and ask it be seen more as an insinuation, but my overall point is, as long as a recognize, my need for more as an incomplete truth of a free mind at work, doing the best it can with what it has, for a brief second, I can construct a thought of "I might need no more." 

If I can construct on a thought of "I might need no more" I can then see myself as not so powerful egoically, and if I can trudge through the aggravation it will require for me to wade through the stress of having to admit my ego has made me wrong for so long, I can then let go of a demand for more and see that my more comes from God.  If I can see that the more I got the more it came from God, I can then admit I knew not that more was coming when my ego was searching for more, and that search was invalid, and I can say that this searching invalid, can find something, and finding nothing ended up finding itself. 

I can then not demand that men or women give me more, because I can then see clearly that all comes from God, so to want more, from God, or anything else, is selfish.  It is selfish not in a greedy sense, but selfish in an ignorant sense, because as a self, as I search, not knowing through ignorance, God has it all to give, so searching with a Godless ego, is a search that is disconnected from God, and ultimately will find me nothing, which explains why the need for more, but further explains why an ending up with a feeling of nothing, which reinstigates an ego to look for more.

I bring this up because current events have made "more" logical.  There was a general loss, due to safety precautions, and that loss will need more, to make things right again.  Do I need more "more" or do I just need to accept that I'll need "less" going forward.  That is a question for each individual to answer, but in regards to the scope of alcoholism, I've known for a while now that zero alcohol (which even though less implies that there was some more) if rounded down, has turned out to paradoxically become less was much more.  In fact, zero alcohol has turned out to be the most more.

So if you're wondering why at the beginning of the day you want zero alcohol but at the end of the day you've wanted more, you've probably got a disease that has centered starting point in your ego.  Ask God to become your ego.  I think you'll feel much better if you do.  I know you'll see drinking as just drinking and not more, like normal drinkers do.  I'm not saying you'll become a normal drinker, but I am saying you'll see drinking as a normal person does without having to drink, and that will make your relating to others so you can help them more, or less, much more managable.