I posted my reply to this post on your other post by accident.

But trust me..he is not sober...I don't care what his Mom says. I could hide my drinking very well. And when your an alcoholic the effects of the alcohol don't really start showing until you've had a considerable amount of alcohol.

I also said in my other post...6 months - to a year to be sure he is serious about not being sick. I would file in 6 months if things did not change.

Hello rummi,

Sorry to hear that things are not working out for you at present. If you husband is in the grips of alcoholism he is a sick man and consequently he will put the need for alcohol above everything else, including your marriage. That does not mean that he does not care for you it is just that the obsession for alcohol can be so strong that it overcomes everything else.

You cannot control your husbands drinking and as I see it you are left with a couple of choices. The first option is to go to somewhere like Al-Anon and to learn from other people who have dealt with a similar problem. Sometimes in dealing with an alcoholic family member you can contribute to the problem even when you think that you are doing the right thing. Why not learn from others who have already made the mistakes so that you can avoid repeating them. Your first priority is to look after your own health and wellbeing so dont let anything or anyone put those things at risk.

Once you are armed with the knowledge of how to deal with the situation you will then be in a better position to decide on the next step. It may be that you will learn ways of living with your husbands alcoholism while distancing yourself from his drinking. In that way the responsibility for his drinking falls back on your husband and you can still be there for him but you will not be responsible for cleaning up his mess. On the other hand you may decide that you do not want that sort of life and that divorce is the only answer.

Five days sober is a big achievement for an active alcoholic but it is a long way from being recovered from alcoholism or being of sound mind. If your husband has an honest desire to stop drinking he should be prepared to do whatever it takes and a good starting point would be AA meetings. I am not trying to make excuses for him but my guess is that he is frightened and confused and probably does not know what he should do. I would encourage him to go to meetings.

I would also suggest you go to Al-Anon, for yourself. Lots of change ahead whether he sobers up or not, and Al-Anon can give you some tools to help you cope with that.

You seem like you have giving him ample opportunity to change in the past. 9 years is a long time to try to work through issues with seemingly no resolution. If he doesn't want to quit, he will never quit. Hell, a lot of people who want to quit can't even quit.

While quitting for 5 days can be an accomplishment, you don't know what the motivation is behind it and whether or not it's even true.

When he has quit in the past and makes promises to you, do you feel that he is actually making an effort to stay sober? I would be more hopeful if he is at least making large efforts to stay sober and simply is failing, rather than miniscule attempts and then just giving up because he just doesn't care that much.

I hate to say it, but if isn't showing sincere effort or admitting that he has a problem and agrees that he needs to make changes to save your relationship, then you probably care a lot more about the relationship than he does. There is no way to change him, make him care, make him quit, or make him even think he has a problem in the first place.

I wouldn't sit in limbo too long, maybe give him a few more days to think it over? Wait as long as you feel is right....you seem to be making your decisions rationally and logically, so I would just go with whatever you think is right.

I hope you are able to find peace in this situation. Best wishes.

Thank you all for the support. He admits he has a problem and he says he would love to quit and that he has tried a hundred times but fails. He says I cannot understand how difficult it is for him to give it up completely. I tell him that I know it is not easy but I know it is not impossible either. He goes maybe 2-3 weeks without a drink and then he picks up again for a day or two. This has been our routine for a while now. I have given him plenty of patient I think and tried to work a number or approaches to control his drinking but I have failed obviously. This is why I have now given him the ball and lets see what he does now. I love my husband and I dont want to give up but I also know that we cannot continue to live this way. He has to make a choice, me or the bottle. I am not giving in this time. He is now on his 5th day with his parents and he continues to argue his point. I believe unfortunately that this battle will not be easily won. Nevertheless I am prepared to move on with my life with or without him. I just pray that he will fight for us as much as I am. Alcoholism sucks!!! I wish there was an easy remedy for this disease. Why is it so damn hard to just put it down? I just dont get it. He says he loves me and he cant live without me but I don't see how that can be when he jeopardizes us each time he drinks. Damn.....just let it go. Its not worth it I say! I am so frustrated with the whole situation.

alanon try it

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. The thing is, is that you cannot control your husband's drinking at all. It has to be up to him completely. There are numerous sad but true situations where a person will actually choose an addiction over a relationship.

I know that you are at your wits end, and who wouldn't be? I say that if at all possible, try to give it a bit more time. Like PJ above stated, while five days sober seems like an eternity for an alcoholic, it really isn't enough time to you to see or for him to experience much change or improvement. During that amount of time, all that has really happened is that the alcohol is leaving his system.

He truly IS probably feeling pretty good right now. Once the withdrawal is over, the really difficult part sets in -- dealing with cravings and triggers. He needs to come up with a plan as to how he's going to proceed whether it is rehab, AA, etc.

I agree with the others who recommend Al-Anon.

Good luck.

rummi...I'm an alcoholic. It is just not easy to give it up. Its an overpowering urge to drink and takes priority over everything else...wifes, kids, families.

It doesn't mean I don't love those people. For me it means I don't have additional coping skills and being 50...its very hard to develop new coping skills...it is possible. I did it for 8 years and then I fell.

Its never a guarantee with people with alcoholism. Unless he is able to get to the psychological place in his head...that he is not going to drink again...he will not be able to stop.

Maybe your breakup will spur him into that place. If it doesn't it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. My kids BEGGED me for years to stop...I cried myself to sleep because I couldn't do it for them. It had to come from inside me....it finally did..but I don't know how and I don't why. I just got sick of being sick all the time. If he isn't having many physical consequences from his drinking...it may be very hard for him to get to that place.

And you won't really know if he is able to do it..until he has at least done it for a considerable amount of time...6 months - 1 year and even then there are no guarantees. I went 8 years...just drank the past year....I'm so saddened by it...and I drank for a whole year this time again..I couldn't stop even when I wanted to....never mind everyone else who wanted me to....until...I was SO SICK...ALMOST DYING...I don't want to drink now (21 days).

I needed to read this tonite. See I used to be that guy. I could not stop.

I must tell you that I kept drinking until the consequences got so bad I had to quit.

It's strange but as an alcoholic I'm very selfish. I love but I'm the most important part in my life.

Until the pain is so bad he will continue. Ironically you leaving May be what he needs...

Prayers and hugs

1is2many

What an amazing support group you guys are. Thank you for all the advice. My mind is wide open to the possibilities and I am holding on to hope as it hard as that is. Ironically with him being apart from me for some reason I can see the addiction alot clearer if that makes any sense. I can see what a grip it has over him and I. I honestly believed that our love was unbreakable and that we were in for the long haul no matter what. And look where we are now! Alcohol is a force to be reckoned with but My Lord is even stronger. I am maintaining my faith from a distance.

I think that you really can't understand the addiction without being an alcoholic. Just like I can never understand how my fianc can leave a half empty beer unattended and forget about it!

You sound like you are really on the right track; maybe your husband needs to find some new ways of trying to deal with his addiction, because it seems like whatever he has tried just isn't working for him.

It's hard, and although I don't fully understand your situation, I've told my fianc I was going to quit drinking forever a bunch of times in the past too and, although I wish I would've kept those promises, the booze just took over my brain. It's hard to explain the addiction, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had one - I don't hate anyone). I hope you find all of your answers.

I'd go to Alanon. You are powerless over his addiction/ alcoholism. You can only get yourself healthy......so focus on that.
Easier said than done but I know from experience it works. Its working in my life.

Yea I think Alanon is well worth a try also....here you are just getting advice mainly from people with your husband's perspective.

Would probably be worth your while to get some support from people who understand what you're going through rather than just what he is going through.

You are right Jayus. I am on both support groups. I think its only fair to give consideration to both perspectives. The more information I have the better equipped I am to make a decision on how to move on. I greatly respect everyone's opinion and I am open to all.

thank you

You need alot of support and I don't think you will be able to get enough online.

You can google al anon meetings in your area. You will get a mountain of support there and learn how to live a happy life despite your husbands drinking.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


Good Luck and God Bless