Lately I have been quitting on people who I really on the inside have homicidal thoughts towards.  

I'd say that is a good idea.  I'd also say that is healthy.  The "world of ignorance" would say not so, and to not fight is the way of a loser, but maintainaing a recovered state is all about getting rid of things that make you sick, and not keeping them.  

The only problem is I have been lying to others about how deep my levels of hatred are for these people I have had not so healthy thoughts towards.  I know this fits into the resentment catagory and in the space where it says it can become fatal.  Most people who use AA to treat their alcoholism, read that resentment can become fatal and think it is all about them committing suicide possibly one day if they don't do a 5th step over it, but a very wise man told me once in a meeting that, the fatal component can mean I kill someone over them.  

So yes I have been resentful at ignorant people who are afraid of me, for some reason, I have no real belief in, and yes I have actually taken actions to fit myself to actually commit the acts.  It is not me alone in this world, and I do not control it, so outside forces and factors kindly let me know I wasn't allowed to do that in their opinion, and I still kind of disagree, but nevertheless, my mind is exhausted over it all, and I do have genuinely authentic resentment goings on inside my psychology right now that is greatly affecting my life.  

I am very thankful that AA actually took the time to make a plan and a program for times like this if you were born with alcoholism.  I will now work this out, and do what is called "into action."  

The specifics aren't important, people did things I disapprove of, and now I want to hurt them, it's that simple.  I have given my life over to God, in the 3rd step already, so it is his show, and these feelings, are his, so I can believe that God, will not allow me to take actions on the resented feelings, he now has power over, and I can take action on what it will take to dissolve these feelings and maintain a relatively normal and drama free life.  What did the things others did that didn't meet my approval affect?  Like the book says they affected my instincts, God given instincts, which tells me they are ignorant, to tell themselves, instincts don't matter, over them getting what they want, so they too, might not be doing so well.  That part is hard to take, because my mind outside of my alcoholism then says "well let's see who is better naturally" and my resentment at simply having to live a life I do not understand, then feels that we should fight it out "fatally" and see who the better person was.  Legally, that is not allowed, and I have to respect that, and I do, very well, due to my earlier years as a young man being in trouble with the law and thinking I was above the law, so that is a saving grace if you will.  

So the things done to be disapproved of, by my ego, affect my instincts of needs for shelther, needs for approval, and needs for reproduction or procreation.  I have denied my need for shelter before and that lead to a miserable period of fear and insecurity, I have denied my needs for approval before and that lead to a ostracizing I just grew angrier from, and I have denied my need to reproduce and procreate, as well, leading to me, really not caring if I go on or not because I have nothing to really live for, in the form of an offspring or legacy.  

So now that I know my instincts are sickened, and my actions are bordering on illegal, just being thoughts right now, and not manifestations of what I am really conjuring up in my mind, I have to pump the brakes on this deal I have with self, and see what is operating the engine.  For one, lack of faith in the right things is a major reason why I am not so interested in doing the right things currently.  I've been on a paperchase more so than going to meetings, I have become interested and comforted with a sport I am good at but not great at, I have been mean and rude to people indiscriminately, and all of that is inconsideration, and dishonesty.  I think I am too numb to be feeling fear, and I have learned that I have inherent selfishness, so that is a given.  

Now that I know that I need faith in the right things, I need to give an effort at being more considerate, more honest, and more unselfish.  Even if it is just an act, it might work.  I'm experiencing difficultly with complete strangers, and that is always a hallmark in whether or not I am more healthy or sick.  When this happens I know I need a reset, and I need to assess again, if I need to confess any wrongs or not.  

I do think I am not giving an A+ effort in areas that I can do A+ work in, and I do think that is leading me to a very exhausted and mentally drained experience comprehensively.  It's not a big deal, this alcoholism can be no joke at times, and people still drinking can agree with that even though their own fears are probably holding them back from admitting it to others.  

I have lost a bunch in a few months, but I have gained insight, and clarity, and a means to go forward with less ideas of grandious proportions, so I must just keep it simple, living day by day, not expecting too much, but not expecting too little either.  God sees everything, and with just a little more effort, at the right things, I might see something much more beautiful on the inside that gives me that push to keep going and no longer resent.