I am just amazed at the fact that 4,255 people have actually pushed a button to join this group, but probably less than 10 people total rely on this group and try to participate in it daily.  I know the site changed about 8 years ago and that lost a lot of people, but to have so many admit they have a problem, and so little participation, with how easy it is to participate, really makes me think this is a road less traveled deal and kudos to those who still participate. 

Lately I haven't really wanted to go to the two local AA meetings I have gone to in the past.  The reasons for not wanting to go aren't as important as the fact that I won't get out of bed and actually go.  The defect, is pride.  I am not humble enough to force myself to get out of bed, and go to the meetings with my two feet.  My brain has persuaded me each day that I don't need to go.  The fact that I do still have a spirit that has enough humility inside of it to consider a counter against my psychology of mind that I can "rest on laurels" is grace.  I definitely am still interested in how alcoholism played a significant force of negativity in my life prior, and I definitely like what the book Alcoholics Anonymous has to say in regards to how they treat alcoholism, which I have used to apply to my own alcoholism, and it worked, if the question of "will it help you not drink daily?" is asked. 

Today I just wanted to address some areas of interest and maybe help another, if they were too thinking about how important it might be for them to not drink alcohol over drinking alcohol today. 

The overall changing of the mind, and how keeping it opened to what others have to offer, in the form of helpful suggestion, I can say, really helped me come to a point where my own mind, actually was making not drinking, a huge deal, over what it really had to be.  I still to this day, think others are going to judge me harshly if they find out I don't drink, let alone "can't drink", but more often than not, if they really are meant to be a staple or helpful factor in my life, they could care less if I was a drinker, or do not drink anymore.  The Alcoholics Anonymous book in the Doctor's Opinion tells of how the doctors and psychologist saw the need for alcoholics to have some sort of rearranging of ideas or psychological change within their thinking, and attitudes, and I couldn't agree more, if bodily and mentally a person struggling with controlling their alcohol consumption, wants to change. 

Admitting that I was someone who could claim alcoholism was an undeniable reality in my life, was at times impossible when life wasn't as hard as it got to manage, but certainly was key, to do, if I was to change.  I also had to admit that the alcoholism, and the act of drinking, always pushed aside some important minor detail that would eventually lead to a major problem not being solved in my daily life.  Most of those minor details I failed to address had to do with relating to people on a simple level, financial health, and or general responsiblity and "growing up" most people might call it. 

After I was able to admit, through grace, from a higher power, I do believe it was, for no powers given myself and others, could do the job up to that point, then came a new belief, which didn't really consist of being that much different from ideas that others were using successfully.  Ideas of being nice, being giving, being friendly, being forgiving, being generous to an extent, being available for others, being a participant, and doing my jobs to the best of my abilities, ignoring the criticism, if it wasn't good enough to others still struggling, were what came after, admitting I did have a problem most others didn't, if they decide to have a drink, and I did have an even bigger problem of not being able to successfully manage a life most would consider typical and routine. 

Once I applied a different set of "beings" to what I needed to do to become more spiritual and less selfish, or less unspiritual, life really just took off in a completely different direction than I thought it would earlier before being able to admit I had a problem, and people I thought weren't even that special, all of the sudden started showing me they were kinda very special and it was my bad judging them as not so special. 

Once I saw that I did have a brain that was wrong, and could miscalculate anything from having another scotch being a bad idea, to why I need to follow traffic laws, I did an inventory of the whole base of thoughts, like the Alcoholics Anonymous book suggests, with the guidance of another alcoholic, who had a sound knowledge of how to. 

What I saw in that was I wasn't providing justice to others generally, and I was even in my best attempts, a major problem for their sanity and plans from God.  It was a great gift to actually see with clarity how much pain and unneccesary grief I was bringing to everyone, not interested in a solution, and everyone was being victimized by my unhealthy decisions to not address the alcoholism, knowing deep down in my spirit that I had been born with (cursed some would say) the disease. 

After the inventory and much discussion of what to look for and why what I found could be detrimental going forward if not seen as bad characteristics, I did reach a level of humility that made me want to commit to the ideas that doing the right things is not only good for the person born with or who acquired alcoholism, but also good for those who have to live with or around an alcoholic in society. 

There were some areas outside of what I drank over that I still wasn't able to fully see could be problematic down the line.  For instance one area of life that recently gave me trouble was my ambition.  I found that I have an ambition that easily pushes aside others thoughts and feelings of importance in favor of what my own vision is for others, including themselves, and that is just not right now I see.  That pain and trouble with others, outside of my alcoholism, has shown me that even though it might cut into other areas of growth for futures, feelings and how others view themselves as imporant, are very important, if wanting to be spiritual and helpful. 

I still stuggle with the idea that we all have to go broke just so your feelings can feel secure, but, again, if God wants me to respect others feelings and how they build their own self esteems, then I must disregard my own ideas of how to be productive and give them to God so they can become mine and God's ideas.  They were God's first anyway. 

Going back to my own experience before, after I was able to do my inventory and we discussed, then I just got up everyday and seriously thought about how I could do the opposite of what I did when I drank.  So I started doing little things like doing things daily I didn't do in favor of altering my consciousness with alcohol.  I went to meetings daily, I read the literature daily, I inventoried daily, I was nice (as much as I could be) daily, I was giving daily, I prayed daily, talked to a sponsor daily, and all of that kept me from not being too harmed from my still to be examined defects that I still had built into me by my own wrong psychology, and ideas that came upon me probably when I was drunk or thinking about getting drunk. 

I also found out that not drinking isn't rocket science and life isn't some puzzle to be figured out, both always have very simple solutions that a complex world often complicates. 

My amends process still is with me today.  I can or was given a graceful sense of when I am seriously pissing others off or when I am seriously frightening people with my behavior, both on purpose and ignorantly, so whenever this happens, I always stop, see if there is something I have to cut out of my life in order to change, and then assess the damage.  Assessing the damage usually opens up my emotions to where I can actually see and feel how others were affected by my behavior, and without too much judgment on my self and others, I can then see what to do differently.  I still think the amends process, even for non-alcoholics, is a very beneficial and thorough way to grow as a human being, being mad a others all the time just flat out sucks, and if anyone can do something to make themselves less angry or fearful, I think that is a great thing for any individual. 

After my amends period, I then just try to put maintainence as a priority, which me not wanting to go to meetings is a concern.  I think or know it is because the meetings when I am in them witnessing are theraputic for others rather than educational, in where there is a lot of talking and sharing of feelings and experience, but not a lot of talking and sharing of what was written and had to be practiced.  That is a personal account from me, and my own problem, so until I can just let it go and accept that I might not get the "perfect" meeting, ever, and that it is not about me all the time, I probably won't go to meetings.  I'll just read and write a lot prepping for the time God has me going to a lot of meetings possibly, but who knows, and that is ok that I just don't know outside of my pride telling me I don't have to go, why I am not going.  I just need to go or accept the consequences of not going and that might be another alcoholic not recieving the help they need?

Prayer and meditation helped too.  I get all sorts of uncomfortable and irriated when praying, but after I can at least say I did something other than what my selfishness wanted to do and when I directly pray for others, I get a warm fuzzy sensation running through my body that really lets me know I am doing exactly what I was supposed to do.  I find my most meditative periods are when I am doing some activity that allows me to fully concentrate on all the little details, which makes perfect sense because when I was drinking I always missed out on the activities that were best for me. 

Anyway, I just hope more people take some time to participate and post on this site about their lives with alcoholism.