Call your psychiatrist immediately if you haven't done so immediately.

Those night terrors are a bitch. That you dislike your mania is good. I was told that's a good thing, and believe it to be true. I'd worry more if you liked feeling that way. You describe such a tangle of emotions which is good that you can give them voice. I to have and still do at times gone through almost all off them simultaneously at times, except the pancreatitis. Although my smoking is suicide on the installment plan.

I'm glad to hear that you use to drink to cope and no longer do so. No good or progress can come from there.

I see you are a member of other support groups and that is a good thing as this board will give you the support you need not to drinking, and the others for the web of your other situations.

Glad to see you here and don't be a stranger. Well, at least any more of a stranger than me because I claim that title on this board!!!

I would love to call my psychiatrist but then my husband and kids would be even more afraid. I know I've scare them for life. I just try to fake it as much as I can for them. I used to try to explain my thought process to my us and until I realized how much more helpless it made him feel. He goes with me to the shrink always so he knows what's going on. This might be the only place I can be fully honest. I'm so sorry to burden any of y'all with this. I feel so guilty for not being able to just snap out of it. Thanks to all and I don't want anyone to worry that I will kill myself. I promise I won't. I just wish I didn't want to. I'm sure in a couple of days I'll feel like I can rule the world again. So confusing.

No, what your describing is not confusing to me. It's the nature of who I am.

Look you can't explain or get anyone to to understand the nature of your thought process to anyone completely, but bi-polar people understand it much better.

I am worried that you are so overly concerned about what others think that you will get so far into the mania process that you'll drink again or worse. Your husband sounds supportive, but please be on guard to the fact that letting the reactions of others control what you know you need to do is so very dangerous.

Just call. Don't have to go, your doctor needs to know and meds do need to be adjusted at times.

You are doing so well not to give in and drink through this whole ordeal. Keep it up...

You are so kind and so right! Thank you so very much for your wise words. I don't want to slip and fall and it is really stupid and naive for me to think that isn't possible. I'm going to just wait for the sun to come up before I disturb anyone...surely I can hold on that long. I would be the biggest liar ever if I told you I didn't want to drink right now. I'm worried that you're going to worry about this. Don't! I'll be fine. Get some rest...we need you! I'll try to report back tomorrow and hopefully with a more cheery disposition.

Oh, I slept from like 8 to midnight so I'm raring to go. So good night and if you want to banter back and forth don't you worry about a thing.

The intro to this song sounds like my mind sometimes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IRXbLaH-pc

I hope you are feeling much better today. As you will know alcohol has a depressant effect, as well as poisoning the body, and cancels out any benefits of anti-depressant medication. I got no lift whatsoever from the first drink in the last few years of my drinking. I was physically dependant and terrified of the severe withdrawal I used to go through.

It's possible to transform your life, however bleak it seems, if you want freedom and happiness badly enough. I know I did but I needed a lot of help to do that. My choice was Alcoholics Anonymous but there are other routes to sobriety too.

Further, besides alcohol's depressing effects it can trigger alcohol induced psychosis. A person with bi-polar is prone to psychosis to begin with, and alcohol can amplify the effect. I would experience crying jags, followed by screaming fits, and in a couple of cases ending in destruction of property or half hearted suicide attempts when I became wildly intoxicated. I'd always come out of those episodes with a vague sense that it made perfect sense at the time when I did those things, but couldn't for the life of me tell you the whole reason.

Well, actually one time I have a hazy recollection of thinking I was at Days of Rage riots in 1968, it was 1980, and went on a rampage destroying property at my college. Of course, I was wildly intoxicated...

I know what you are going through. I know the fear, the pain, and it is damn right horrifying. It almost sounds like you might benefit from hospitalization, being that you are so upset and suffering so much. Sounds like you should call 911.

Zachary and Antonia have good ideas and suggestions.

hi, although I'm not bipolar, I wish I could beam you in to a group I attend.

A local psychiatrist holds a group each week for people dealing with any mental disorder. Many of the people are life long bi-polar and have come from the depths of their condition. It's too bad these types of groups aren't widely given as a gift. There is no cost and we meet every Friday from 2:30-4:30.

You need to go to a Doctor they can give you stuff to help you cope with your sleep and terror, Just be honest with the Doctor and family. If you are thinking about attending AA, is not a health institution you need some medial advice. I hope you can find peace. Maybe the meds they have you on need to be changed.

Thank's so much! This site and the support that y'all have offered are really making a difference. I keep reading your replies over and over and I am feeling more hopeful. It is clear to me that my meds need tweaking but I can't see my new doc (haven't seen her before) until April 17th! I have been seeing the same doc in Colorado for 4 years even though I haven't lived there in the last 2 years. I now live in SC. We have skyped and I have flown out to see her regularly. That might seem crazy but I've been fighting with my brain my whole life and have seen so many docs, been on so many meds, been diagnosed something different by almost every one of them but have had the most success with my CO doc. I feel like she really understands what I'm saying and she's also been great working with my husband and family. I've been hesitant to change docs because I'm nervous about "getting her up to speed." I mean every time I have to tell my story and explain what is going on with my head and body I feel like I'm picking at scars.
Does that make sense? It's why I'm reluctant to got to AA. I went many years ago with someone else and I heard everyone telling their stories and sharing their experiences and it almost felt like they were trying to relive the old days when they were drinking and at times one upping each other. I realize that was just one group and I was in a very different place but it brings me down to retell what I've been through or try to explain my thoughts.
I'm hoping that my Colorado doc can communicate with my new doc and fill her in as much as possible so I won't have to. Is that how that works? Has anyone else changed doctors and had their old doc explain what they've learned about you so far? I've given my permission for my old doc to share info with the new one but I'm uncertain of what they will exchange and to what extent.
Again thank you for your suggestions and support!
Peace.

Juice, I know what you mean about telling your story over and over again. I did this and it might help you. I typed it all out with the dates/ Doctors and med and everything. Then I just hand it to them and tell them it would be easier if you just read most of it. And ask them to keep it with their records. It also helps so you don't have to try and remember everything.
Get well.

I haven't had to change my doctor,yet. I moved and it's over a two hour drive, but the drive is worth it. It's funny yesterday I thought what happens when he retires, and a bit fearful. I think he is moving in that direction. So what you said got me to thinking.

"I mean every time I have to tell my story and explain what is going on with my head and body I feel like I'm picking at scars."

Thanks, you helped put things in to focus as it forced me to consider when that happens to me. As far as having to tell my whole story to the new doc I don't have to go there. The new doc will have my history, and I can talk about what's going on now. If I need to make reference to the past then I'll do it, but I still do that anyway now. I try not to dwell in the past and seek my answers for my current state of mind in the present. Everyone is different and has different needs and what works best for one person isn't always best for another, but I can learn pieces from others.

As for AA if you don't like it don't go. In our society AA is the default setting for those struggling with alcohol. Over time with patience we discover what works for each of us best and over time that can change.

As meblonde said AA is not a medical institution, but more of a social outlet. Those needs can be met in a variety of settings.