Hi guys newbie here! Im not new to the realisation that I am an alcoholic. I was aware of it for years but just didn't feel like I had the strength to do anything about it. At first it was the usual binge drinking most people do in their early 20's going out at weekends but sometimes I would end up black out (my least proudest moment was when my friends found me unconcious locked in a toilet cubicle and the security guard had to carry me out and put me in a cab then I woke up with no recollection of anything). At the time I lived away from my family and I eventually moved back home because I missed them but when I moved back home I had lost touch with a lot of my old friends from home so instead of going out, I would stay in and drink by myself for amusement. I didn't see it as a problem at the time but then when I realised I could drink a whole bottle of wine a night and still manage to function ok (or at least I thought I could, turns out my work was suffering and I just didn't realise it), I started drinking a bottle of wine every night. Eventually my whole day would be nothing but the thought of "I can't wait to finish work to get home and have some wine." I wasn't just enjoying my day for what it was, all I could think about was getting home and having a drink. Even when I would wake up feeling horrible and tell myself "I'm not drinking tonight", I would feel fine by the evening and have a bottle anyway. I had no control. 

I would literally find any excuse to have a drink. "I had a good day, I deserve a drink." "I had a bad day, I need a drink" "One person said the tiniest thing that has annoyed me for 5 minutes, I'm going to have a drink" "I was going to watch a movie tonight, of course I can't do that without a bottle of wine!". Looking back now I realise how ridiculous these excuses were becoming. I was unhappy in my job, I was lonely and I was generally feeling unfulfilled so a bottle of wine a night seemed like the only fun thing I had going on but most of the time it wasn't fun. By the time I'd drank it I felt remorse, guilt and depressed at the realisation that I was once again drunk and sitting alone. I knew what I was doing but I couldn't get out of the cycle of it.

I recently went back into further education to study the course I always wanted to do and I know that if I keep drinking, I will probably fail my course so I know I have to stop. I saw a charity advertising this "go sober for october" campaign where you don't drink for a month and get people to sponsor you for charity. I thought if I was doing it for a cause I might be more likely to stick to it so I signed up. I thought it would be a good starting point. Also the thought that people have donated money has helped me not give in because I wouldn't want to be letting them down or feel like I am scamming them if that makes sense.

I am now 10 days sober and I feel great. I am doing great in school and I have even lost weight. I have always been interested in buddhism so I am looking into that and doing lots of meditating to help me as my "higher power" to look to thats recommended in the 12 steps.

I still sometimes forget for a brief moment and find myself going "Oh I'm going to have a drink when I go home" and I suddenly need to stop myself and make the consious decision that I will treat myself to some ice cream instead. Yesterday I felt a strong need to have a drink so I went and treated myself to some new cd's instead and spent the night dancing around my house. 

I joined this site just to speak to people going through the same thing as me as I don't feel like I have a strong network of people I can rely on.

Sorry if that was long. But in short, hello!