That's a tough one. I don't think you can actually make amends for the things you've done that have hurt other people, in that you can't change the past. So I think it's demonstrating to them that you love them and you are working to change and that you won't hurt them again through selfish actions. Sort of like forgive doesn't mean forget. It's got to be in your actions going forward; own your mistakes, mean it when you say you won't make them again and work to be a better person.
Liz

Couldn't have said it any better, Liz!

I totally agree.great explanation.

couldn't have said it any better by golly. words mean nothing after years of lies. History will weigh on them... create a new history. You pick day one.

I concur.

I was msging with someone on DS quite a while ago. He's not a member of this group, or the main alcoholism board either I don't believe.

Anyway ... I forget what we were even talking about, but I know I called him on something he said that I didn't think was fair or deserved. It took me a while to figure out his reply. He used the word ammends instead of the words "I'm sorry", I mean like four times in the message. I thought this was pretty strange, and wasn't what I thought making ammends were all about.

I never said anything to him about it, other than no problem, and we moved on from their. I beleive he's a big AAer. Is this common?

I know that a lot of therapist teach the meaning and term with people in recovery for many things other than addiction. It really reinforces the idea of change in behavior. Anyone can say "I'm sorry" (little boy that cried wolf) it takes courage and hard work to not repeat

really i don't like for people to say "i'm sorry" unless they're strictly wanting to be polite. i don't want to hear how you're feeling - I want you not to do the same thing to me again.

that is the best way to make up for bad things you have done.

make it right! don't just say you're sorry!

i agree number..my boyfriend thinks i'm sorry fixes everything but it doesn't..i'm sorry is empty without action and change

I have another question regarding amends. What I am hearing is about making amends to others. What about amends to yourself?

Good question. Not sure I know how to answer it. Are you having a hard time forgiving yourself for the harm you've caused by drinking?

I don't really see how you can ask other ppl to forgive you if you can't forgive yourself. Are you getting any therapy? Maybe that would help?

Give yourself some grace as ldyjane always says.

thank you for responding Jan. I just had questions regarding making amends. I never was in the aa program. What I have read when others say about making amends to another. I did'nt pick up about making amends towards self. What I wanted is imput from others on the matter.

I appreciate your concern. I am taking care of self regarding therapy.

I agree with Jan -- you have to make amends with yourself first. Otherwise, you won't have the inner strength and personal conviction it takes to seek to repair the damage done to your relationships with others. Most especially, you won't be able to withstand the rejection that is likely to come from those who have been too deeply wounded to accept that you're truly working to better yourself.

I'm going All Out Cheesy on this but hey, my mind links things in strange ways:

Remember that song from the 80's or 90's by Extreme - More Than Words? The two platinum haired dudes with the duet (one named Gunther oddly enough). I think it would apply just as easily to "I'm sorry" as "I love you." Both are meaningless without the actions to back them up. We've all I'm sorried ourselves to the extreme (no pun intended) during our drunken times... then we do it all again.

I'm not even calling a few old friends I screwed along the way until I have more sobriety under my belt. I don't expect anyone to take me seriously until I can say it's been longer and I trust myself more than anything!

Jan, I think amends take action. I've seen how some AA folks use their jargon though in place of regular everyday words too. "Do a 10th step on him" is one I've heard. I don't know if that means to apologize or accept him as he is or what but it sounds kind of painful otherwise. I don't think amends and sorries are equal. I'd apologize to someone if I was out of line saying something, I don't think I need steps or amends for that. If I got smashed and slept with your husband or passed out nude in your car while you weren't home... maybe some amends are in order as well as an oath to myself never to do it again.

disclaimer: neither of those last two incidents actually happened but they could have :)