I'm no stranger to alcoholics and addicts. My first husband was an alcoholic. When our daughter was 4 he went to treatment and from there had 8 years sober in AA. I started in Alanon in 1983 and have been in and out since. In 1997 my husband relapsed BADLY. He ended up holding me hostage and threatening to blow my brains out. I escaped, but he ended up having to be arrested by a SWAT team. Sadly, he did only 6 months in jail (LONG story); but I left with my kids. 2 years later I began to receive letters from a man I had known since he was 11 years old. When I married my 1st husband I moved 2,000 miles away from where this man still lived. He was now 35 and had been through a lot in his life. When he started to write to me, he confessed that he'd been addicted to crack and alcohol and was now 3 years clean and sober and working a GOOD program. I didn't want ANYONE in my life at this point and told him that. He persisted and after another year, I realized that I did love him and wanted to have the life I'd never had. We were both working a program and I had grown a lot. He was the man I'd waited a lifetime for. I moved back home to be with him and for 2 more years life was wonderful. I had found the love of my life. Then he relapsed. I knew nothing about crack addiction, but it is the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed and all my Alanon did not prepare me for the behavior of a crack addict (who also drank). I, however, did know enough that the first time he grabbed my arm, he ended up in jail. And they sent him to rehab. At which point, when he came home, I was hopeful. Didn't last long and the next few years were rehab, jail and home and then he'd grab my arm or one time slapped me or threaten me. And I'd put him back in jail. The city we lived in could FORCE a person into treatment and I was hoping the treatment would work. I threw him out in 2003 and he started hanging with a woman he picked up in a bar who also drank and drugged. He ended up almost killing her in a drunken rage and did 1 year in jail which included a brand new program that was supposed to be GREAT!!! He came home and I gave him one more chance. He stayed clean and sober about 6 months after his release and then did not come home one night. I told him to leave. 2 months later he was staying with an old girlfriend and I left and move back across the country. In the 3 years I've been gone I would hear from him now and again. Always hopeful he would get into treatment and we could try again. A year ago on Thanksgiving his 19 year old daughter died of a crack overdose and I called to offer condolences. Six months later he called me and I could tell he was a mess. We have talked off and on the last 6 months. 2 months ago he called me and said he was done. The new woman he picked up in a bar threw him out. He confessed that since I have been gone he has progressed from drinking/drugging one night a week (which is all he did when we were together) to now drinking/drugging 24/7. He picked up this last woman because he can't live alone. (Translation: he needs a roof over his head and someone to buy food and pay utilities) She is also a drunk, an addict and is on disability for SEVERE mental disorders. He realized she was using him for what he brought home. If he can't buy something, he'd steal it. She does live rent-free due to government housing, has food stamps and gets utilities VERY cheap. He has found a gold mine for an addict. Anyway, when he called, he asked if he could come here. And that he "thought" he wanted to quit. I said if he was serious, buy a ticket and he could come. However, there would be NO drinking, NO drugs if he did. And he knows I'm serious. And I thought he was too. This was the call I'd waited 3 years for. He said he'd call the next week and I heard nothing. 2 weeks later I read in our hometown paper that he'd applied for a marriage license with this woman. And it hurts a LOT!!! And with all the Alanon I should know better. But I still take it personally. How could he rather be with a woman who is a drunk, an addict and sleeps with any man she can find. And he freely admits he is ONLY there because he needs a roof over his head. And he KNOWS she's using him. It hurts that he'd rather continue to drink and drug than to be with me. And I know I need to "let go", but it is still not easy. I have found some groups that just tell you..."forget the bum". Well, it's not that easy. And I still pray that some day he DOES want to get clean and sober again.