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Sometimes... (which may sound weird)
I am almost afraid.. to write, or say outloud how good things are going.
I am afraid I will jinx myself. I am afraid if I say it outloud, something will happen..
Do you know I wont even wear my wedding ring..... because it has such bad vibes, such bad memories/feelings for me.
edventually ..... I want to reset it into another band and get it blessed, to start new.
The holidays.....
Sigh......goddd...
The Holidays........
the holidays.. are a very scary thing for me...
I have been super freaked out lately.... anxious... scared...
In the past the holidays, have always .........always been bad...
I didnt want to hope...
I didnt want to "think" within my mind, that everything would be good this year and hope and pray for it soooo much and be let down... yet again....
Right now...
things are going good...
I can tell u, I am not still where I should be in a marriage....
Will I ever be? honestly.. I dont know... I wanna say yes.... but
How do I answer that question?
How do I find those answers?
Will I ever be able to trust someone fully again?
To give someone every part of me??
Does that feeling inside of fear ever go away?
I still have that wall up... with everyone...
EVERYONE
I did start letting the wall down a lil bit a couple months ago...with a couple people and something happened.....
which made me not want to share or trust anyone again....... and sooo..... I threw that wall back up..
I threw my defenses back up, and I really dont share much of myself fully with anyone yet again.
I started not going out again,
I started not replying back to people....
Sometimes..
I feel like some people will never get it...
they will never understand some of the hells I have been through..
they will never understand, me and who I am inside....
and they will NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW hard it is for me to let them into my life...
they will never understand the Missy ......that wants to be just accepted for the woman I am now...
they cant make me into what they want me to be, or what they think I should be.
I have scars....
I have hurts,
I have defenses,
I have a past....
They accept me for me.. or they dont deserve me....is the way I look at it....
I am who I am ....
My anxiety... since then...... has gotten a lil worse....
I hate going into big group situations...
HATE IT..
I dont think... until someone feels that feeling.. knows what social anxiety feels like..they will ever understand what that person goes through.. before, during and after..........
soooo
I am not trusting people again...
I have always always had a hard time trusting... and now.... I am back at square one...
But I guess thats how recovery is.. u take two steps forward and end up taking one step back ..
I keep asking myself...
Why is it soo hard... ?
Why cant I just let go....?
Will this feeling of anxiety ever go away in those situations?
Will I ever trust anyone enough, to just let me be me?
Does anyone really deserve the real me?
Russ, my husband has been sober now for 6 months....
Will it ever come to a point...that I will trust him??? Or will I always have that doubt in my mind? That nagging little voice in my head?
But then I ask myself
Doesnt he deserve me to?
But then I tell myself.. even if he does decide to drink again.. Thats his choice and his alone..
I cant stop it either way..
I can only control myself..
I think it will always be a uphill battle for me.. within myself...
with the trust, anxiety and letting people in..
I know that..
and I am ok with that..
I know now.....that I can get through it and I will try my damnest to keep trying to work my way uphill....
The quotes.... the poems... They give me power again ...inside.. when I need it..
they give me that deep breath, that sometimes I need..... to make it through the day..
they center me..
They remind me...of what I am fighting for, they remind me to keep taking that breath when I feel like I have no air left inside my body to keep my head above the water.
I am almost afraid.. to write, or say outloud how good things are going.
I am afraid I will jinx myself. I am afraid if I say it outloud, something will happen..
Do you know I wont even wear my wedding ring..... because it has such bad vibes, such bad memories/feelings for me.
edventually ..... I want to reset it into another band and get it blessed, to start new.
The holidays.....
Sigh......goddd...
The Holidays........
the holidays.. are a very scary thing for me...
I have been super freaked out lately.... anxious... scared...
In the past the holidays, have always .........always been bad...
I didnt want to hope...
I didnt want to "think" within my mind, that everything would be good this year and hope and pray for it soooo much and be let down... yet again....
Right now...
things are going good...
I can tell u, I am not still where I should be in a marriage....
Will I ever be? honestly.. I dont know... I wanna say yes.... but
How do I answer that question?
How do I find those answers?
Will I ever be able to trust someone fully again?
To give someone every part of me??
Does that feeling inside of fear ever go away?
I still have that wall up... with everyone...
EVERYONE
I did start letting the wall down a lil bit a couple months ago...with a couple people and something happened.....
which made me not want to share or trust anyone again....... and sooo..... I threw that wall back up..
I threw my defenses back up, and I really dont share much of myself fully with anyone yet again.
I started not going out again,
I started not replying back to people....
Sometimes..
I feel like some people will never get it...
they will never understand some of the hells I have been through..
they will never understand, me and who I am inside....
and they will NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW hard it is for me to let them into my life...
they will never understand the Missy ......that wants to be just accepted for the woman I am now...
they cant make me into what they want me to be, or what they think I should be.
I have scars....
I have hurts,
I have defenses,
I have a past....
They accept me for me.. or they dont deserve me....is the way I look at it....
I am who I am ....
My anxiety... since then...... has gotten a lil worse....
I hate going into big group situations...
HATE IT..
I dont think... until someone feels that feeling.. knows what social anxiety feels like..they will ever understand what that person goes through.. before, during and after..........
soooo
I am not trusting people again...
I have always always had a hard time trusting... and now.... I am back at square one...
But I guess thats how recovery is.. u take two steps forward and end up taking one step back ..
I keep asking myself...
Why is it soo hard... ?
Why cant I just let go....?
Will this feeling of anxiety ever go away in those situations?
Will I ever trust anyone enough, to just let me be me?
Does anyone really deserve the real me?
Russ, my husband has been sober now for 6 months....
Will it ever come to a point...that I will trust him??? Or will I always have that doubt in my mind? That nagging little voice in my head?
But then I ask myself
Doesnt he deserve me to?
But then I tell myself.. even if he does decide to drink again.. Thats his choice and his alone..
I cant stop it either way..
I can only control myself..
I think it will always be a uphill battle for me.. within myself...
with the trust, anxiety and letting people in..
I know that..
and I am ok with that..
I know now.....that I can get through it and I will try my damnest to keep trying to work my way uphill....
The quotes.... the poems... They give me power again ...inside.. when I need it..
they give me that deep breath, that sometimes I need..... to make it through the day..
they center me..
They remind me...of what I am fighting for, they remind me to keep taking that breath when I feel like I have no air left inside my body to keep my head above the water.
deleted_user
Hey, i dont know you but i relate and feel what your feelings Trust is hard letting go is hard, these things have never been easy for me. But i do know today that i dont have to stay stuck inside me head and that reaching out for help doesnt make me weak, and doesnt make me a burden. even tho this was posted awhile ago, i want to let u know that im here for you and i wish you the best, because u deserve it, even if it may not always feel that way. The poems, the writing, the reading, whatever you find that helps you, in a healthy way, go for it! take care hope to hear from you... =]
MelisaDE
Thank u.... :) Everyday.. is a new day and everyday its getting easier to believe that it will be ok.. and no matter what happens, that I myself will be ok...
deleted_user
Hi , Wow I know your pain. I think when they say let go They mean to trust in the Lord not a person with addiction problems. Holidays have always been hard around here. Addiction has a way of destroying all the joy a holiday is suppost to bring. I have four family members with addiciton problems. Needless to say there have been many times I have wanted to run away. All I can say is pray and trust in the Lord. Relapse is apart of addiciton and there are times it happens over and over again. Please realize most addicts regardless of choice of drugs is a habit they have been doing for a very long time. To give you an example of the difficulty they face each day think of something you have everyday. POP , Sugar. something like that. You have to really love it. Then try not to have it for one week. Then consider the fact they can never have it again. I have done this with sugar. I have yet to concure that for any time at all. Hopefully this will just give you an idea of their struggle. I do believe the only way for them to truly recover is to stop and turn to the LOrd for the help they need. Without Him I don't think many make it. It has to be a total life change. God Bless You and I pray the Lord helps you and yours.
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