Hello, I joined this site last night for some of the same reasons as everyone else, but it might be different. I'm a 33 year old man and have never been in a serious relationship. I used to suffer from very severe social anxiety, and still have a lot of this lingering. I have worked to get past a lot of it, but sometimes so much of it is still there.

I'm hoping by doing this I can work through things and become a stronger person. There is a girl that I have known for a while and have had a crush on for a while. I think at one point she did like me also, but that is long gone now. Most of the time that I would have opportunities with her I would not be able to be the person I hoped I would. Alcohol of course helped with loosening things up, but never really worked. I took these all for granted, and didn't try to see if there could be anything until it was too late. This is not the first time that this scenario has played out.

I actually asked her out twice finally. Once was by text and she just replied back that she was very busy. I took this as a straight rejection and did not plan to do anything more about it. Things then seemed to improve towards me, and about two months later I asked her out again, this time I called her. I did not reach her, but left a voicemail. I honestly did not expect this to go good, and what I wanted to happen did not. She sent me a very kind text back thanking me and telling me how she thought I was great, but not into dating and valued our friendship too much. I sent a nice response back.

I did not expect and do not expect there to be anything with this now, and things were and are okay between us. One thing in these situations I have told myself is just act if she wasn't even there, she is part of a group of friends for me, but I used to get, and still get nervous and quiet when she is around. This last thing was about a month ago.

Since this last rejection I have avoided this group of friends quite a bit, but not totally. This past weekend I started to hang out with them again. I saw her briefly on Saturday and just did the hi and some small talk, this would have been impossible for me a year ago, and probably even less. Yesterday, though was the day that things fell apart for me a little. There was another group thing that I did not, and honestly hoped not, that she would be there. She was only there briefly in the middle and then went off to do her own thing. She did not acknowledge me. The big issue was that she was there with a guy. Through the evil of online media I see that she was on a date with this guy a few days ago, and I assumed that this was the case. I only noticed this yesterday and know it's not something that I should do and don't plan to do any more of it.

I had actually thought that this was the case before I found out any of this information, and thought I would be okay with it, but I really was not. Its still bothering me. I didn't even want to get out of bed, and have some anxiety about the fact that I'm starting a new job tomorrow. i have made some tremendous strides over the past year, but this recent finding has been a set back. I have been through almost the exact same scenario a few times now, and I am so tired of it. I want to be able to have the relationships that so many other douchier people have. I could say it's not fair, and it's not, but nothing in life ever is, and I try to accept that. In looking online I found this page and wanted to sign up to have a place to share with others. I know that many of the posts I have seen are from people who are suffering far more than I am, and I want to be thankful for what I can accomplish. When I was in my twenties I was in college and started to develop these problems. I feel like I wasted so much time and opportunity to have these relationships, but I couldn't do it. At that point I was scared to talk to any girls, even for a time my mother and my sisters. I have come back a great way from that now though, but I'm still not where I'd hope to be.

I'm not sure if anyone read all of this, but if you have I thank you. I am thankful to have this forum to even post this. I plan to make a few changes in my apartment today, do some cleaning, and through a tone of shit out that I don't need. I'll go for a run later since that always makes me feel better, and maybe find an isolated park to hike through if I have time. I know that this is a long rant, but I'm optimistic that this site will be able to help me work through my issues, and I hope that I can be some support for some of the other people on here with these issues. We are all in the same boat to some extent, but we can and we will all do this. May God (or whatever deity you do or do not believe in) bless you all and keep you safe, and help each and everyone with their own journey (if you do not believe in this, I understand I did not for a very long time, but this has become a part of my life again). Best wishes and positive vibes to all!!!!!!!!