I feel like my past counselors and psychiatrists never really took me seriously when I told them about my struggles with social anxiety and body dysmorphia. These are issues that I have been dealing with my whole life and I only just started seeking help for it around my senior year of high school (~4 years ago). Since then, one of the few and only times I distinctly remember either person mentioning SA or BDD in regards to me would be when I was getting my first mental health assesment with a psychiatrist at the beginning of my journey. Even then, I recently found out that even though my psychiatrist at the time (as well as others later on) felt that I showed extremely strong signs of having both, the diagnosis was not listed on my current medical charts. With all of my psychiatrists and therapists I've had so far, whenever I would mention or try to talk about my struggles with these issues, it always felt like the subject would be brushed aside in favor of discussing other issues I may have been dealing with at the time (usually dealing with major depression and panic attacks). This is not to say that I didn't feel that it was important to talk about my other issues. However, I felt like and continue to feel like my struggles with SA and BDD should have gotten more attention than what was given. If given the opportunity, I would of course discuss these issues with a counselor/psychiatrist now, however, I am unable to do so due to a recent loss of health insurance that I am trying to alleviate. 

To give a better idea of how bad SA and BDD have affected me in life, I will list some examples of situations I've dealt with. These include but are not limited to: avoiding would-be memorable events due to fear of being seen/captured on picture (being invited to lunch with the president of my university for winning a prestigious state scholarship; being in an official group picture showing members of the honors college; participating in fun pop-culture/trendy activities with other honors college classmates meant to build relationships) and avoiding going to certain buildings and on-campus events due to fear of being seen by people (I avoiding going to the campus dining hall multiple times due to seeing my crush going at the same time). I've also been so afraid of being seen by people that I either exert more energy into how I look just to go do everyday errands or not go alltogether (even if it were for something important). I remember seeing my crush in the same aisle as me in walmart and ran crying to the other side of the store to hide. Many times, I've been so extremely self-conscious about what I'll wear to class that I'll try on multiple outfits; even when I've decided on what to wear, I'll still be unhappy with how I look. I also tend to dress to hide as much of myself as possible no matter how uncomfortable I feel in the climate. I avoid accidently looking into reflective surfaces because otherwise seeing myself makes me cringe and panic. I constantly fantasize about looking like other people and shrinking myself/turning invisible when around others. I believe I only look decent at best when taking photos with filters on them and refuse to take pics without them. My only motivation for wanting to learn how to do makeup is because I believe that's the only way I'll ever look decent too. Lastly, during special events where I must attend and dress up, I have immediately snuck outside to sob by myself once I see how everyone else at the event looks compared to me. The list goes on.

Overall, I wish I could get more help or attention focused soley on SA and BDD and it makes me sad to think that past experiences where I've tried to do so have only ended with me feeling ignored and disregarded as if I'm imagining all of this.