Sometimes I just can't turn my mind off.  Like last night.  I haven't slept at all.  It's a just after 11am.  I want to nap but my ex-husband will be bringing my three youngest kids home in a couple of hours.  He's also going to take a look at my roof which is in desperate need of replacement.  Finances won't allow me to do that but he thinks he will be able to patch it well enough to give me another year or two.  As acrimonious as our divorce started out I have to admit that we're now capable of being civilized to one another.  When something like this happens around the house he always helps.  He knows I can't afford to pay someone, the materials alone will kill me, so he does it for me.  We're never going to be bosom buddies but we've learned to co-parent and treat each other respectfully.  Don't get me wrong.  He irritates the hell out of me sometimes.  And I often have to fight the urge to wring his neck. 

I think he does all of these repairs for me, without complaining, because he's not exactly emotionally present for the kids.  He sees the younger ones every other weekend and he does fun things with them and then they come home and I deal with the hard stuff.  Our older children are young adults with jobs and friends and things they want to do.  So they don't see him as often.  He moved to an area that can take an hour or more to get to depending on traffic.  The kids don't have any friends around there.  So the older ones see him on Thanksgiving, a few days after Christmas and a couple of other times throughout the year.  Even the younger kids are getting to the age where they don't want to go all of the time.  If they have an activity that weekend or plans with friends I let them stay home.  He doesn't fight me on it.  He knew, and appears to have accepted, that he's not their first priority now that they're getting older.  I'm not either but they live here so I get to see them.  I feel slightly bad for him sometimes that it's come to that because he was always such a great Dad but... it was his choice.  He left.  He chose to move further away to be closer to "her".  So the pity is short-lived.  For him.  I do feel bad for the kids.  Though they seem to have handled the divorce better than I did. 

I was a train wreck for a really long time.  I'm still a train wreck but for an entirely different set of reasons.  Although I guess the divorce and him play some role in all of it. 

It's VERY sunny here today.  I'm not a sunlight kind of person.  Especially winter sun.  Winter sun is stark and so white.  I'm a perpetual nightowl so I crave the dark.  I'm most comfortable from dusk til' dawn.  Except on overcast, gray days.  Those bring me comfort.  No one understands that.  Most people are sun lovers.  Craving spring and summer.  I'm dreading it.  I'm dreading the time change, the temps, the humidity and the business of it all.  I dread it being light out until 8 o'clock at night.  I LIKE when dusk arrives at 4 and it's dark by 5. 

Now fall sun...  that's a little different.  If I'm having a good day I can tolerate fall sun.  I know, none of this makes any sense.  But it does to me. I LOVE fall.  I love the crisp, cool weather and the leaves changing colors and when it starts getting dark early again.  But a sunny fall day is OK too. If I'm in the right mood and my anxiety isn't high.  I LOVE to take day trips to little towns in the mountains and see the glorious colors of the trees and look in all the little specialty shops.  Candle shops being my absolute favorite.

Spring is OK but it doesn't last long around here.  Summer's heat and humidity pop up way too early and I LOATHE the summer.  I am MISERABLE the whole summer long.  I hate the heat.  The humidity wipes me out.  I never feel dry during the summer.  I'm always in some state of dampness or drenched in sweat.  Which I think is the most unpleasant, uncomfortable feeling in the world.  It's like nails on a chalkboard to me. 

This is what I do when I haven't slept.  I get a little manic.  And I babble and since I've already sent my Aunt EIGHT e-mails in the last 24 hours (six of them sent since midnight), I've now babbled to whoever may read this.  I really do need sleep.  But it'll have to wait.  Have a good Sunday all!! Hugs!