I have never felt more alone in my life. I'm divorced.  I do have children but the things I'm dealing with are not the kind of things I want to burden them with.  Even my young adult children.  I'm currently on leave from my job.  A leave that is not related to my anxiety and agoraphobic behavior. But being on leave and the stress that has brought on emotionally, physically and financially has triggered something in me.  I have always suffered from anxiety and depression.  I have taken 40mg of Celexa a day for the last several years. I was on a 20mg dose starting when I was 29 with the bump up happening three or four years ago. A few years after my ex-husband left.  The divorce, in whole, took six years.  It was acrimonious for a long time.  I was not the one who wanted the divorce.  I tried everything I could to try and save the marriage but he just wasn't interested. I was destroyed.  My entire world turned upside down.  And while my anxiety level rose I also got angry and that anger fueled me to get out and get a job and do what I needed to do to protect myself and my children. I'd been a SAHM for many years prior to that. My job skills were almost nill and I'd never finished college.  He and I had agreed together that I would stay home and raise our children.  The plan being when all of the kids were in school full-time I would go back to school.  Only when the kids were finally all in school full-time he decided he wanted a divorce instead.  He wasn't happy.  "Wasn't happy" had a name.  And she won.  He left me for her.  The first year or so after he left is a blur.  I went to work, I went home and did the Mom thing.  The rest of the time I spent crying or sleeping.  The second year wasn't much better.  But I kept getting up and going to work.  I had too.  I had to support my children.  He was paying child support but it certainly wasn't enough to pay all of the bills and feed, clothe, etc the kids.  I didn't like my job.  It certainly wasn't my dream job.  And the pay was crappy.  Still is.  But I did it anyway.  In the years that followed it seemed like every few months some catastrophe happened in my life.  Deaths in the family, my child's friend dying in a horrific way, a relative who committed suicide.  Learning more than one of my kids was having serious problems that I won't get into.  It all just kept piling up.  But I still kept going.  I worked.  I dated a little.  Disastrously. And quickly lost interest in even trying.  So I spent most of my time working, with the kids or alone. 

I started having health problems sevral months ago.  After seveal different doctors I got a diagnosis and a treatment plan was pudait in place and I went on medical leave.  It's been longer than I expected it to be and with each passing week my anxiety skyrocketed.  I started having regular panic attacks.  I started avoiding public places during crowded times.  Grocery shopping is done at 2 or 3 am at 24 hour Wal Marts.  Even then I keep my head down and I go to a store a little further than necessary so there's less of a risk of running into someone I know.  The thought of that TERRIFIES me.  I left a convenience store once without getting what I went in for because I saw someone I knew.  The physical reaction when I saw them was intense.  Shaking, sweating, feeling like there was a band around my chest.  I left and went to a different convenience store. I'd rather deal with an unknown person than someone I may know. Or use the self checkout.  I do that whenever possible.  I have literally not seen nor interacted with anyone I know other than my children, my ex-husband, my parents and my doctors in over four months.  And I don't want too.  I'm afraid too.  I'm afraid to go back to work.  I know I have to sooner rather than later.  But I also know I am not going to just "snap out of this".  And before I can attempt going back to work I need to find a way to manage these symptoms. 

My primary care physician added .5mg of Klonopin 2x's a day to my meds.  I've been on that with the Celexa for two weeks.  I'm still experiencing anxiety about being outside of my home and interacting with people.  I still won't go out during the day unless it's for a doctor's appointment (I consider those offices "safe places" because they all know what I'm going through). I have my first appointment with a counselor later today.  I'm worried about going.  I'm worried about clicking with the counselor.  I'm worried that when I start talking it's going to sound as stupid as I do when I hear it said out loud.  I know this is stupidity.  I know I'm not being a baby.  I have always proactively managed my anxiety and depression.  I think I've just been struggling and fighting the feelings for so long that I've finally snapped. 

I don't want to feel and be this way and I don't have anyone to talk too about it.  But at the same time.  I like "my bubble".  My home, my safe places, my after midnight habits.  I can have my panic attacks in private if I'm in one of my safe places.  I don't have to explain anything to anyone.  I can hide.