Agoraphobia & Social Anxiety Support Group
Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder, often precipitated by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia may avoid public and/or unfamiliar places. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to their home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place."
I seem to do OK If I am alone with one family member. I can talk, communicate, carry on a conversation but when one or more join the conversation or if they are even within earshot I become silent. Not because I want to be silent, because fear makes my mind go blank. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I can handle an interaction with one person but not two or more.
Often before I go to a family gathering I try to psych myself up and I tell myself to try to stay focused. Try to continue to talk with someone. However, it almost always turns out bad for me. I tend to try to stick with one person, my brother for example. But then I tend to follow him around and that looks silly. Once I loose focus my fear takes over then I tend to just sit wherever I am quietly hoping the party will be over soon. I'm too shy to leave b'se then I'll have to say bye to everyone. I often sneak off and drive away when no one is looking.
If my wife goes with me I tend to cling to her. My wife is not shy and she does just about all the talking when we go to her family gatherings. But I still have problems. Many people don't understand why I'm quiet and they actually tease me about it. This has happened all my life. They will say "Shut up Jeff! You're talking to much!" Then everybody laughs. I don't laugh because I've heard it a million times and I hate it when someone brings the fact that I'm shy and quiet out in the open. It happened again for the billionth time on Thanks giving day at my wife's family gathering. After my fear starts to take over I have a feeling of distress. People can see it in my facial expression and some ask me if I'm OK. I don't even realize I'm making a face. When I start feeling that way I know I'll never recover that day then I start telling the wife, "Lets go!" She often doesn't want to go then I feel trapped.
Family gatherings are torture for me because of my annoying fear. I keep going to them because I need to stay in contact with my family and with my wife's family. I need that social contact but I fear it at the same time. It's like I'm living in a little hell.
I'm 52 and I've suffered from social phobia all my life. I've tried many different kinds of meds and therapists. My social phobia isn't as bad now as it was when I was a young man but it is still disabling and it causes me to suffer while I should be enjoying myself with family. I often avoid family gatherings because I know I will suffer there. But I have to keep going.
So, what should I do?
Often before I go to a family gathering I try to psych myself up and I tell myself to try to stay focused. Try to continue to talk with someone. However, it almost always turns out bad for me. I tend to try to stick with one person, my brother for example. But then I tend to follow him around and that looks silly. Once I loose focus my fear takes over then I tend to just sit wherever I am quietly hoping the party will be over soon. I'm too shy to leave b'se then I'll have to say bye to everyone. I often sneak off and drive away when no one is looking.
If my wife goes with me I tend to cling to her. My wife is not shy and she does just about all the talking when we go to her family gatherings. But I still have problems. Many people don't understand why I'm quiet and they actually tease me about it. This has happened all my life. They will say "Shut up Jeff! You're talking to much!" Then everybody laughs. I don't laugh because I've heard it a million times and I hate it when someone brings the fact that I'm shy and quiet out in the open. It happened again for the billionth time on Thanks giving day at my wife's family gathering. After my fear starts to take over I have a feeling of distress. People can see it in my facial expression and some ask me if I'm OK. I don't even realize I'm making a face. When I start feeling that way I know I'll never recover that day then I start telling the wife, "Lets go!" She often doesn't want to go then I feel trapped.
Family gatherings are torture for me because of my annoying fear. I keep going to them because I need to stay in contact with my family and with my wife's family. I need that social contact but I fear it at the same time. It's like I'm living in a little hell.
I'm 52 and I've suffered from social phobia all my life. I've tried many different kinds of meds and therapists. My social phobia isn't as bad now as it was when I was a young man but it is still disabling and it causes me to suffer while I should be enjoying myself with family. I often avoid family gatherings because I know I will suffer there. But I have to keep going.
So, what should I do?
Are you close to your family? Do they know about your fear? Are they supportive of you? families can be everything from very supportive and understanding to very triggering and critical. I hope it's the former. If there's a family member you can trust and is supportive, it could help to have support in family gatherings.
I do have a great sense of humor but among a mixed crowd, I'm a dud.
There will be allot of family there and my wife and I talk about this quite often. She's the best. Sometimes, all you really need is one really good friend and my wife is just that.
Often I'll go to a family gathering just because there is one particular person I would like to talk to but most times I don't get a chance to talk to that person or I'm so overwhelmed by by social phobia that I can't bring myself to try to talk to that person.
I'm at a point now that I want to abandon family functions like a recluse. I'm worried about what people will think of me but it comforts me to know that I won't have to force myself to go through awkward, uncomfortable social experiences anymore.
is it the expectations they place upon you by wanting you to talk/interact more? Do you want to talk but you're just too shy? Or is it just that you don't have enough in common? Maybe it would help to think of things that you can talk about ahead of time... Or if you know some of their interests, you can mention them to get other people talking... Most of the time people don't need you to talk anyway, so much as genuinely listen to what they're talking about. Sometimes with social phobia you're so caught up in your thought's you're not listening either... People usually can't even tell the difference if you capture their interest with the right topic... They might think you were talking the whole time, too. : )
I have the most difficulty with greeting people. I think that is where most of my difficulty lies. Saying hello to a bunch of people who are there when I arrive then saying hi to more as they arrive is something I dread. Its hard for me to force myself to smile when I dont feel like smiling, I fear they will notice and get the wrong idea.
I think what you typed may be my main problem with family gatherings. Fear of expectations Im afraid that Im not going to greet everyone properly or say bye to them properly and I fear that Im not going to be good company for them at the gathering because of my shyness.
Im going to give this more thought. If I can get over these little irrational fears that I have about expectations maybe it wont be necessary to avoid parties anymore. Thanks for the input!
Just remember this.... Other people's opinions about you is none of your business. We are not mind readers and if someone looks at me peculiarly, It probably has nothing to do with me. I am not that important. I am not the center of everyone universe.
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence"
They had one of those digital frames going flashing gatherings from the past. I sit and watched it all the way through. I noticed how very many of the occasions I was not present. In the past I think I would have wondered why I was not included in all these family things but I honestly realized that I was not there through my choice. My social phobia has robbed me of so many precious moments. I always worried about what other thought of me or what they would say about my withdrawn state afterwards. I have come to the realization that everybody is so caught up in themselves that they probably do not even give me a thought. I have also come to believe that what others think about you does not really matter. I handled mixing with people at the funeral the best way I could. I was very satisfied with myself afterwards. Most of the things we think will happen or that we fear so much never happen and if they do somehow we make it through them. Somehow making it through this has empowered me to face other occasions and to just accept myself the way I am. I hope this helps someone else.