This morning, I woke up at 3:30 in the morning seized with a horrible panic attack. It did not let up until about 7 a.m. I was writing yesterday that I was about 70% relapsed to my dark days of agoraphobia and debilitating panic attacks daily, this morning I was 100% back to where I once was-after an almost 10 year 90% recovery of being anxiety free. I was trembling, shaking, crying hysterically, and pacing my apartment. I thought about calling out but I truly couldn't, I work in surgery today and the other girl that could do it was off, I knew we were already short staffed, and on top of it my schedule was packed with surgeries and appointments. I struggled back and forth with knowing I couldn't do it but knowing I had no choice which made things even WORSE!
Not to mention-I have lives in my hands (I'm a veterinary technician)-how would I function if I was having a panic attack?!
It was a morning of 1st's in over 10 years:
1. I could've drive to work-I had to get a coworker to pick me up and drive me home. Also broke down as soon as I got in her car and she probably thinks I'm freaking CRAZY
2. Took my 1st xanax in over 11 years, it had been so long I was scared to take it bc I wasn't sure how it would affect me and I knew I had to be on top of my stuff in surgery and couldn't be drowsy or too tired. Only ended up taking 1/4 of a 0.5mg but it did help me a LOT
3. Just the fact that I had a full blown panic attack was the first in years, on top of that it lasted almost 4 hours!
Somehow once I got to work and started setting up for surgery and admitting my patients and got busy, my mind was occupied and I felt a lot better. I'm so good at what I do, and I LOVE what I do that I was feeling better, but then how does it make sense that I'm panicked I wont be able to do what I'm great at and have anxiety and panic attacks worrying about my day and that I wont be able to make it through?-I guess that's just the irrational though process of having an anxiety disorder
I made it through my 12 hour shift, no break, no lunch with flying colors. Now that I'm home and can relax-I'm anxious again, why?! It doesn't make sense.
I'm praying I can drive to work tomorrow. The fact of being a burden on someone and making them drive me is enough to send me into a panic as well....
I feel so weak and helpless, panic attacks are SO debilitating. They are literally the only thing I cannot handle in life...
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