I have been talking to my therapist about things that I have been going through with my immediate blood family and she said that what they have been doing is emotional incest. I had a great childhood and never wanted for anything, but one wrong thing and I felt guilty about it and had remorse for days, like it was never enough. My mother was great but she was very strict, and at 15 I became a compulsive liar. I have sought help for it and am no longer lying about anything. I think i created this fantasy world that was not my own, and made up places and people and other things. I started acting out like most teenagers do, and went to a mental hospital for a couple of days on account of me cutting myself. I had a really rocky relationship with my mom and caused her a lot of pain and heartache. When I turned 18 I (practically moved) into my best friends house and was gone for days. My mom knew where I was and one night she came there in the van demanding that I get in the car. Any posters I wanted to put up in my room had to be approved by her, and my sister and her friend even broke all of my cds once. This is just one of many examples that I have had since I was a teenager. I thought that my family was like every other family, and every time I asked someone they would say " all families fight". But as I grew older, it wasn't fighting, it was manipulation. If I didn't go to church I got in trouble, if i didn't do something that she wanted I got in trouble. I loved my mom and she put so much guilt on me for things I had done in my teenage years. Fast forward to my mid 20's were exactly the same. No visitors and curfew to keep the door open. My mom was very much the matriarch of the family and called all of the shots. Most of you probably think nothing of it, but I put together all the times that I felt so horrible for something to trying to figure out who I am, and it ended up not being anything like them. My mother would put forth so much energy in trying to control me that I guess I just lashed out. Even as a young adult I would still do stupid stuff and own up to my mistakes, but it just seemed that it was never enough. Any situation that she could not control she hated, and I paid for it. I was an alcoholic for years trying to find an escape( although alcohol just makes the situation worse) because I felt that I couldn't make any decisions for myself in fear of disappointing them and most of my decisions were made for me because I lived with them in the house. 

Finally in my late 20's after my saga of homelessness( my mom kicked me out on the street 3 times) I went back to my parents to try to get a job and get out of there so they could have their freedom back and I could be an adult; but here's the thing: my parents wanted me to leave but on THEIR terms. I stayed there until I was 28 and moved into an apartment about 10 minutes away from them and trust me they would come anytime they wanted, always seeing what I was doing and calling me constantly giving me crap about how I never call them and that I HAVE to do this with them and I have to go to birthdays and anniversaries and shit like that. i have one older sister who is the golden child that followed perfectly in my moms footsteps. Heather could do NO wrong, and she has lived her life alarmingly close to my mother. They did EVERYTHING together. Trips fun stuff, movies and asked me to come on certain occasions and I did, but the times when I said no, they got so angry with me and made me feel so badly that they would usually guilt me into it. I can't even count how many times this has happened. My mother wanted to keep my sister and I so close that she wouldn't want us to grow up and move away. Alot of the activities were things that you do with a child, not an adult. And I kept thinking, "they wanted me to move out so badly but they are calling me every day? Control. At 28, I met the love of my life, who is a woman( my mom hated gays) so they would put things in my head about how bad it was for me to be gay and that it's not a good environment for a child and a lot of other bullshit that I fed into just to keep them content. In the 4 years that we have been together they have not wanted to meet her and want nothing to do with my family. For example, they insisted that I have to come to Thanksgiving and stay the whole time as well as Christmas and July 4th and every other holiday, but I had a new family and I wanted to go to my girlfriends house because their family accepted me. My mom's response to all of this after I finally said no last Christmas was " I don't share". 

2 months ago my mother passed away due to blood clots after a surgery she had to remove her neck cancer. During the week of the surgery I stayed with her for two nights and it was nice for the most part, mostly because she was weak and couldn't talk much. But 2 weeks later she gets taken to the hospital at 6:00 p.m. and I received no call or text or message whatsoever. Then at 10:15 I get a call from my sister who is crying in hysterics about mom. So I rush to the hospital and I see 2 pastor ( some of her best friends), my aunt and uncle, and the rest of the immediate family sitting in the room looking at my mom. My sister was pissed at me the night before because I couldn't come to some event or another because I moved an hour away hoping that the manipulation and control would stop, but it didn't. I was the LAST person in my immediate family to be called and I walked in that room thinking she was dying and she was already DEAD. I was thinking that things happened so fast that they didn't have time to call, but in the newspaper article that my mom was in, they made it known that my sister contacted someone from my mom's work around 8:00 p.m. but I didn't get a call until it was too late to say goodbye. Then after she passed they kept footing around why they didn't call me and had no answer. It turns out that my mom made a list of people to call if she had an emergency at the hospital and I was apparently SO far down that list that I couldn't even be in the waiting room supporting her and praying for her. Also one of my mom's last dying wish was that I receive no money as long as I am with my girlfriend because of all of her gay hate, which is fine because I didn't want the money anyway, I just wanted my mom back ya know?

My dad could not get a hold of me for a week so he came over to my house in the dead of morning knocking on my door asking if I was ok. I asked all of them for some space and yet they will not give me any. Their manipulation and control has damaged myself, brought damage upon MY family and I get sucked back in every time because it's not what they want. I can't even be the person I am around them, I get no respect whatsoever, they try to control my life even now and are doing anything and everything in their power to break up my girlfriend and I so that I can move BACK in with my dad. I thought that this stuff was just from my mom, but oh no, I see their true colors now. I don't know what they are going to do when they try to get ahold of me I blocked them on facebook and on my phone. What do you guys think?