Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
Three years ago I found this book entitled "Will I Ever Be Goodenough" By Karyl McBride written for daughter's of narcissistic mother's. After reading it I had a paradigm shift in how I viewed both of my parents. Both are undoubtedly narcissistic but, my mother, in particular has never shown any real empathy or genuine emotion, unless it was about herself. My father was physically abusive so we all, including our mother, blamed him for any of the dysfunction in the family. After reading the book I immediately called both my older brother and younger sister to tell them about what I had read. They both immediately went out and bought and read the book. Many excited and revolutionary conversations followed. We agreed to meet to discuss the book. At the time we were 45, 46 and 48 years old, and it was the first time in decades that we had all sat around a table together, just talking.
We all agreed over our close to ten hour meeting that we would do for each other what our parents could not/ would not do for us. We would give each other unconditional love knowing that each one of us had suffered in our own way and that we were more alike than different. We agreed that we would not repeat the patterns of blaming each other, we would take responsibility for our own actions and we resolved to never talk to our mother about each other. Our mother often manipulated arguements between us by repeating things and as a united front she would no longer have the power to create these little dramas between us, with her at the centre of attention, what she so desires.
For close to a year, this worked brilliantly. Mother's role as victim escalated however, because of her unthoughtful children were being cruel. None of us has ever had the nerve, even at our age to tell her straight out how cruel and thoughtless she has been towards us. Not much had really changed except that we would put up boundaries about how much contact we wanted with her, and we were no longer talking about each other with her.
Walking away from that meeting with my siblings freed me. I forgave them, they forgave me, and we were all going to take responsibility for our own actions from that day forward, and leave the blame of the past squarely on the shoulders of our parents. After my brother left my sister felt that she had to caution me, that my brother probably would not be able to shift his thinking, because he has always seen me so much like our mother. I am very similar in looks and mannerisms.
Three years later, it is my brother and I that have survived with the most loving relationship. Within a year, my sister was creating dramas, getting closer to my mother, and has now decided that I am the one causing all of her problems. This betrayal hit me very, very hard. She and I were only fifteen months apart and were very close, with me as her protector most of our lives.
Although the results were not what my heart most desired I still think that we were on the right track at that meeting. Anyone's input and comments would be most appreciated.!! Has anyone had similar issues, with perhaps more success?
It brings tears to my eyes, with gratitude and pride how well my brother and I have done in supporting each other, and that is what I hang on to.
We all agreed over our close to ten hour meeting that we would do for each other what our parents could not/ would not do for us. We would give each other unconditional love knowing that each one of us had suffered in our own way and that we were more alike than different. We agreed that we would not repeat the patterns of blaming each other, we would take responsibility for our own actions and we resolved to never talk to our mother about each other. Our mother often manipulated arguements between us by repeating things and as a united front she would no longer have the power to create these little dramas between us, with her at the centre of attention, what she so desires.
For close to a year, this worked brilliantly. Mother's role as victim escalated however, because of her unthoughtful children were being cruel. None of us has ever had the nerve, even at our age to tell her straight out how cruel and thoughtless she has been towards us. Not much had really changed except that we would put up boundaries about how much contact we wanted with her, and we were no longer talking about each other with her.
Walking away from that meeting with my siblings freed me. I forgave them, they forgave me, and we were all going to take responsibility for our own actions from that day forward, and leave the blame of the past squarely on the shoulders of our parents. After my brother left my sister felt that she had to caution me, that my brother probably would not be able to shift his thinking, because he has always seen me so much like our mother. I am very similar in looks and mannerisms.
Three years later, it is my brother and I that have survived with the most loving relationship. Within a year, my sister was creating dramas, getting closer to my mother, and has now decided that I am the one causing all of her problems. This betrayal hit me very, very hard. She and I were only fifteen months apart and were very close, with me as her protector most of our lives.
Although the results were not what my heart most desired I still think that we were on the right track at that meeting. Anyone's input and comments would be most appreciated.!! Has anyone had similar issues, with perhaps more success?
It brings tears to my eyes, with gratitude and pride how well my brother and I have done in supporting each other, and that is what I hang on to.
Does your sis's behaviour remind me of my sister?You bet! But in my case, she's 'gone over to the other side' to be with my narc brother. She sees him as now having the most power in the family, and so after being at loggerheads with him for most of her life, she now appears to rever him! It's doing her no good. My brother has a long memory, and like most narcs, bears grudges.He has tried to taunt me with their newly found 'regard' for each other, but I know they are just using each other, and frankly, I don't give a damn!
My bro might think he is the head of the family, but my dad is too much of a narc to let that happen! I maintain a relationship with my dad because he has accepted (eventually!) all the boundaries I've laid down with him. He doesn't understand them. He doesn't like them. But he abides by them. I too, miss that part of my sis that now seems to be buried forever. Often in the past, we united against my narc parents and brother in ways that were supportive. I think I do understand, that in her mind she loves me, and wants a relationship with me. However she wants, in that relationship to be narc. enabled, just as I have let her be before. She wants to continue to be abusive, both overtly and covertly; blaming me through nasty digs and innuendo, trying to shame me in public over the stupid things I did in the past, and making me the cause of all the present problems in her life. Now that I can see it, it's so laughably obvious that I don't know why I've gone on so long not realising.
Do you think that your sis has sold out, to try to go for 'top place' in your mum's eyes? i reckon your mum is rewarding her for enabling her to carry on being a narcissist. She only really needs one of you to remain in denial for her dysfunctional state to continue. Possibly. Perhaps your mum saw her as the weakest link and went for her for that reason? Narcissists respond to a diminishing narc, supply by turning on the charm and offering rewards to tempt their supply source back? Make the most of your brother's support. I've lost all of my sibs. The youngest isn't a narc. She sees herself as a peacemaker. I used to as well. I now see that she enables through her denial of their being any problem at all. Older sis has had moments of near clarity too. But I think they are both now lost. :(
I'm unhappy about it of course. Low contact with our family isn't something I want. xx
Where do I start? I forgot to add that to the list of things that the three of us agreed to was that we would say what we felt in the moment, and then let it go. Do not carry it around like a loaded weapon like our Nmother does to be pulled out when you are least expecting it, usually in the company of many.
Are you the older sister or younger? After my sister started hanging up on me I asked her to truly tell me what was going on. She wrote a three page letter that I would start to read and then couldn't. I have never heard such venom, lack of empathy for another, like your sister blaming me for everything that had ever gone wrong in her life. It actually frightened me to know that this woman that I loved so much lived in such a dark world. I will not go into detail, but since then she has not held back on her openly aggressive behaviour towards me. I have not seen her in two years, but, she continues to have an impact through other family members, again much like my Nmother. I think I am growing into "laughably obvious" but, I do envy you that.
My Nmom always said that my sister was jealous of me but, since a very young age I have taken every word she said with a grain of salt. It has been less than ten years since I went back to get my degree, and I worked for a couple of years as a teacher at the college level. My sister does cleaning. There is no question that I have achieved more than she has, not because I was better than her, only because I "felt the fear and did it anyways". So, in answer to your question, maybe yes she is considered the weakest link, although my sister really does have a very good understanding about our parents narcissism. It sounds like you have sister's quite similar, where they have some understanding but, are either staying out of it, or choosing to continue to act within it. It is so sad isn't it? We had such mean parents that I always tried to love and protect her. Clearly this is not how she has interpreted my actions. I cannot gather whether you are at peace with not having relationships with your siblings, or are you just resigned to the fact that there really isn't anything that you can do? I think that I am getting there. This forum was exactly what I needed and with thoughtful people like you replying, it is good to know that I am not alone!!!!!!!!! I wish you peace in all things!!!!!!
Do you know, I didn't think my sisters were alike, but I'm beginning to think they are.
Thank you for your blessings AnnabelLeigh!!! Right back at ya!!!!!! When you get the book there is a checklist of narcissistic traits somewhere in the first part of the book. When my brother, sister and I checked off whether it fit for us, out of 23/25 questions I think we scored 21, 20, 22, repectively. There was no question that our mother was off the roof as a narcissist!!!!! That book is good because it also talks about our own healing. Enjoy!!!
Here's to one step at a time!!! Best of Luck!!
In my family, I am adopted by my dearest pain in the ass excuse for a father, stepdad. Clearly, I am not his 'real' daughter, and he has reminded me of it so for 40 plus years. My middle sis was his favourite. My middle sis, holy cow, she's a loose cannon. I have written about her endeavors on this website!! For as long as I can remember, she has said that I have the best and worst of both of my parents. That's hilarious, because, if she stopped long enough to really look at her behaviour's, she would see both mum and dad smiling back at her!! The letters, emails, cards, and phone calls and messages over the years would burn your ears. My therapist and Doc, called the three of them, (mid sis, little sis, and mum) a pit of vipers, turning on anyone that stepped too close to them. And even biting themselves!!
Little sis reminds me of your sister Pitstop. I lovingly refer to her as the Ostrich, singing the Beatles, "Give peace a chance". She was my mum's favourite. Now that mum has passed, she remains my stepdad's new favourite. She has recurrent memories of garbage but chooses to ignore it. Ya know, no matter what the person's name, the story is hauntingly similar with all of us.
I introduced this book to them, and for a very short while we were all on the same page. That didn't last however, because the information was turned around to use and abuse. I have learned that people, narcissists love to 'learn' about things, but they are really perfecting their skills of manipulation.
I have just learned that it is best to keep to one's self and to borrow a cliche, if you know better, you do better.
Yes, LadyoftheHunt we are all from the same family!!!! Isn't it uncanny? I think part of what worked between my brother and I was the fact that right from the beginning of our enlightenment we both owned and acknowledged our own narcissistic traits. There is no way to be raised with two narcissistic parent and not have any. Secondly we ended up using humour like "your narcissism is showing" to lighten things up, but to still help each other through. We both became very conscious of developing our empathy. We are both very naturally big hearted souls, but, without role models on how to express our compassion we often would have difficulty finding the right words or actions, especially with those that were closest to us.
I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of my brother!! He was born with very deformed feet and has lived a heroes life as far as I am concerned.
When I read this I had to share it... "The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it." The author is unknown but, here is the address to the entire article http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html. This is a large article and I found that I needed to take it in small bites but, the insights are worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you told your brother how you felt and that you are no longer part of the campaign to get him married. Our nparents want us divided so that they can be at the centre of the attention. He may still think that you are on her side.
That book was most helpful and Karyl McBride, the author also has a blog on the psychology today website with more insightful articles.
I hope as well that my sister and I can have a healthy relationship down the road but, I am only accepting healthy ones at the moment. I feel like I have given way too much of my life, exhausting myself tryin to fix the unhealthy ones. Good luck on your journey and thank you for sharing your story with me!!!