Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
Hey guys,
This is extremely difficult for me but I built up the courage to seek help from others who may be in a similar situation. Ever since I was a kid, I have felt distant from my mother. She has always compared me to others I was friends with (why cant you be more like ___) has expected everyone in the house to cater to her and her needs (stays upstairs in her bedroom and yells down at family get her things), always turns the story around to focus on her, etc. I am still to this day (28 year old guy) struggling to build some sort of trust toward my mother and the worst part about it is my father enables this behavior and makes excuses. His famous words are, "well she means well and your not reading between the lines...she just loves you too much." I have been threatened by threats such as "...then im kicking you out" or "well I pay your cell phone bill, I will cancel it." She has also called me fat (5'11 195), lazy and not as good as her friend's son. She has threatened to call police or divorce my father if he disagrees with her about anything. Whenever anybody disagrees or calls her out on things she shouldnt have done, she goes into an uncontrollable rage that nobody can reason with. I work 2 jobs and am 5 weeks away from completing my MBA degree. They both know how hard I work and whenever I dont feel like talking or am just tired enough to go to bed, I get chastised and am often fed "you are distant and dont care about the family." I am happily engaged to the woman of my life and both my mother and father are avoiding doing anything about it. The thing that sucks is that when I try and calmly talk about it, my mother and enabling father turn it around to the point where I am manipulated into thinking I am the problem. My sister gets it much worse because she trys to live my sisters life and is constantly talking and thinking about her.
I guess my question is: can anyone relate to this? am i crazy?
Yesterday was my grandfather's 5 year anniversary since he passed. I have a tough time dealing with it still because he was a second father figure to me. My mom sent me a long text asking why I didn't console her because I should know how she felt and how SHE was so special to my grandfather. At no point did she ask how her kids were doing or how my 82 year old grandmother was holding up. She has always made it a point to say that her and my grandfather had the most special bond and nobody could ever understand. Mind you, I had a paper to write which was due at midnight so I was at the library. She knows that its a sensitive subject and I would have at least called her, but when she does this it makes me not want to do it.
My advice is, take care of yourself. Create boundaries. Identify, the lack and the scars. Work on healing yourself. Don't let your happiness and spiritual growth be held up, waiting for validation from them. Your parents are BULLIES, and it is important that you remember that. As for your sister, I would advise creating a dialogue about it, so that you can be each others support system. Name the beast - "narcisism". Discuss the impact. Talk about incidents with each other and remind each other that it is not your fault. There's no one better for you to relate to than your own siblings. One thing I like to do is replay beastly encounters in my mind as a healthy interaction - that seems to help with my sanity. Or at least remembering that that my situation is messed up.
Congratulations on all of your success, despite your own parrent's efforts to keep you down! I'm impressed -You rock! :)
To relate...
Due to complex circumstances, I am currently living back with my mother - oh and I am working with her. And I JUST NOW found out I am codependent, lol! I suffer severely from fibromyalgia, which I think is a result of having your soul sucked, your entire life. Anyways, it was the weekend and I was laying down feeling like crap and my mother called to shame me for not taking my horse's blanket off early enough. It was still pretty cool out and I was working up the energy to go out and do it anyways. Normally, they are treated like royalty, but I was having quite a lot of pain and was moving really slowly. [<- over explaining here - trait of child of narc :) yes, I left it - I still have work to do] As soon as I heard the "you don't want to take Sam's blanket off?...," I hung up the phone because I knew the rest, I felt like crap, and I was just not in the mood. She went around to all my doors and windows pounding on them, screaming like a banshee and i just kept watching a program on my tablet as she peered through the windows at me. I didn't even look at her. She finally went away and took the horse's blanket off herself . "thanks mom." As a bonus, i got three whole weeks of peace and scilence. :)
It is really difficult to protect yourself when you are living with a narc. The strategy that works for me is similar to one commonly used in dog training. If a dog jumps on you, you are supposed to turn your back and ignore them. Eventually, the dog stops, looks confused and walks away. If, however you scold the dog, step back, push them off you - they get more excited and the jumping and scratching is exacerbated. As for the narc, if you can, walk away or just let them run out of steam on their own. Be careful about infusing your energy into an attack - that's how the narc feeds. And as soon as you both can, get out of there - run like hell!