Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
It seems like every time I peel one layer off myself there is another one underneath. I started off trying to understand why I had such unhealthy realtionships with men, a high number of them I am discovering were narcs. So I joing the group Women Who Love Too Much which has given me tremendous support and encouragement. Thanks to another member (Susy P you're my girl!) and she started talking to me about narcs everything started to come into focus and it was like getting glasses for the first time and everything became clearer.
I am learning so much from these posts about my own mother. It in fact, is very emotional for me. It is like meeting people who finally speak your language. For so many years I struggled to try to figure out how I could be so WOUNDED by my mother. Whenever I tried to explain what I was going through everyone just kinda brushed me off saying "she loves you, it's just her way" or "that's what mothers are like".
My mother wasn't an alcoholic and she didn't physically abuse me but she wore me down bit by bit, day by day, little by little until my shattered self-esteem toppled over and broke. I am now still picking up the pieces. But to put a name to it. To have books that explain it. To have people who understand it is priceless to me. By understanding who she is I am starting to understand why I am how I am. For years and years I tried to be the perfect girl that she seemed to want but to no avail and then I tried to be the perfect partner...the perfect friend. The PRESSURE that I felt being her daughter is immeasureable. Nothing was every good enough. Nothing was every right. There was always something I could do better. There were always things I should be doing that I wasn't. I was a dissapointment. And it ruined me because I could never be good enough.
I live in the same City as my mother. I see and talk to her a lot. I love her because she is my mother. I don't blame her because her mother was worse. What I am having trouble with is she doesn't see what she has done to me. What I'm having trouble with is that I feel guilty for hating her sometimes. What I'm having trouble with is I have to be so solidly grounded to have a conversation with her or I'll come away feeling depressed, angry and insecure. What I'm having trouble with is I needed and need her to be there for me but she never was and she never will be and how do I come to terms with this. I have such a deep longing to be loved that I enter destructive relationships. I mourn the fact that even though I had a mother I never really had a mother. It make me feel alone.
These groups have already helped me start moving out of the pain toward healing and I want to thank each and every one of you for that.
I am learning so much from these posts about my own mother. It in fact, is very emotional for me. It is like meeting people who finally speak your language. For so many years I struggled to try to figure out how I could be so WOUNDED by my mother. Whenever I tried to explain what I was going through everyone just kinda brushed me off saying "she loves you, it's just her way" or "that's what mothers are like".
My mother wasn't an alcoholic and she didn't physically abuse me but she wore me down bit by bit, day by day, little by little until my shattered self-esteem toppled over and broke. I am now still picking up the pieces. But to put a name to it. To have books that explain it. To have people who understand it is priceless to me. By understanding who she is I am starting to understand why I am how I am. For years and years I tried to be the perfect girl that she seemed to want but to no avail and then I tried to be the perfect partner...the perfect friend. The PRESSURE that I felt being her daughter is immeasureable. Nothing was every good enough. Nothing was every right. There was always something I could do better. There were always things I should be doing that I wasn't. I was a dissapointment. And it ruined me because I could never be good enough.
I live in the same City as my mother. I see and talk to her a lot. I love her because she is my mother. I don't blame her because her mother was worse. What I am having trouble with is she doesn't see what she has done to me. What I'm having trouble with is that I feel guilty for hating her sometimes. What I'm having trouble with is I have to be so solidly grounded to have a conversation with her or I'll come away feeling depressed, angry and insecure. What I'm having trouble with is I needed and need her to be there for me but she never was and she never will be and how do I come to terms with this. I have such a deep longing to be loved that I enter destructive relationships. I mourn the fact that even though I had a mother I never really had a mother. It make me feel alone.
These groups have already helped me start moving out of the pain toward healing and I want to thank each and every one of you for that.
Any way just needed to say that. I hear what you are saying above. I am on the other side of needing my mother but I still can remember that head space and the pain of feeling so defective and no good. quite often I grieve the child that had to go through that loss .
For years I wondered how I turned out to be such severe codependent tendencies when I also did not have physical abuse, alcoholism or raging people. And since my mother was so into 'impression management', I always thought I was raised in the perfect house. How could I have turned out this way?
Now we are getting the answers and I am so grateful to this board and to every single one of you that come on here and really hash things out. This is not a board for the meek or the unwilling. This is a board where people are really serious about their recovery.
An especially big thanks to DF for having the idea to create this board. Its funny how it always starts with the men, but it turns out, it was never about them at all. It was always about us, and what we needed to learn and heal.
The day this info was given and the day I began processing it..because it was overwhelming...was the day I learned what is unacceptable. No negotiating on these conditions. I don't care if you father , mother , bf, husband or next door neighbor child has given you a doesn't roses for the past ten years. If another person unconsciously or consciously crosses boundaries and doesn't respond to the "stop" motion then the person is accountable. This doesn't mean they will feel responsible...it just meant that they did it and it exist. If they figure it out fine but the most important thing is that I know it and I respond appropriately in terms of honoring self, taking care of self , serving my life system in a healthy and nourishing manner.
I have come to realize that I have never really taken good care of myself in MOST ways. I have surrounded myself with beautiful friends, I am very nutured in that aspect, but other then that I do very little care taking of my self.
Thank you for reminding me that honoring myself must come first.