Hey.

That sounds just awful. She is so ungreatful.
It sounds Narcissistc for sure.
I dont have any good advice what to do. Hopefully knowing that your sister is crazy will help and also for your daughter to know that this is crazy and thats not how people suppose to act. Roll your eyes, breath a deep sigh, tell your doughter she has a crazy aunt and have a laugh together about it . :)

Hugs

When I look for a gift for one of my friends and family members, I think: Oh, that looks like Pamela. I bet Bonnie would LOVE this, etc. It is apparent that your sister wanted to see Rent and apparently has no one to go with. So instead of getting your daughter what SHE wanted and asked for, she deliberately ignored what she was told, and did what she wanted.

I don't know if your sister is a full blown Narc, but that was definitely a Narc move and extremely selfish. I personally hate musicals and would be seriously upset if that was someones idea of a present. One of the websites I have saved as a favorite talks about what horrible gift givers Narcs are, which matched XN to a T. And once on the WoN board, they asked about gift giving and many of the women had not recieved any gifts at all (from wealthy husbands) and many exactly the move your sister just pulled, giving gifts that THE NARC wanted for the themselves, and the receipent had no use for.

I guess you are going to have to do a lot of work on learning how to 'deal' with Narcs, since you have so many in your life :(. The number one thing I would imagine would be to stop having expectations of them, and in that way you can't be disappointed.

That reminds me of a boss I had a few years back. She was probably NPD come to think of it. I worked in a shop w/ 2 guys. A computer would track how long it took us to work on each car and compare our productivity to all the other shops in our company around the country. Then we'd all get ranked according to our scores. The big boss (above the NPD boss) said he'd take us all to the Outback if we got a certain percentage of productivity. We busted our butts in the summer Florida heat to get this reward. We were out in a 100 degree shop all the time working on these cars as fast as we could. During this time, the NPD boss is sitting in an air conditioned office. The entire time we had our goal written on our white board stating that we'd go to the Outback if we accomplished it. So the month ended and we blew that goal out of the water and did way above what he wanted. When we all had the time to go, the big boss decided he wasn't going to go, he was just gonna give the credit card to NPD boss to take us. NPD boss suddenly decided that she wanted to go to the new seafood restaurant that just opened up. Mind you, she played absolutely no part whatsoever in us earning this reward. But that didn't stop her from taking advantage of it. We had all agreed from day 1 to go to the Outback and now suddenly she has her heart set on using OUR reward as a way for her to get a free meal at this new seafood place. I don't eat seafood so that wasn't going to work for me. So I said I wasn't going. She came out yelling at me saying that none of us were going if I wasn't going and telling me how selfish *I* was by not going to a restaurant that doesn't serve food I like. It was the most unbelievably selfish thing I'd ever seen. She outright stole our reward out from under us when it had nothing to do w/ her. And then had the nerve to yell at me for not going along w/ it. She even outright lied and said we had never agreed on Outback (it had been written on the white board from day 1 "OUTBACK"). So even though we ALL agreed on Outback, we had to go to a place that served food that not all of us liked.

So yeah, your story reminds me of that. Disguising a "gift" as something they want for themselves. As a matter of fact, that also reminds me of my 1st NPD bf. When we were supposed to be saving money to move to FL he wanted a DVD player (this is when they were becoming popular and we didn't have one yet). I repeatedly said we couldn't afford to spend money on that since we were saving to move. So he bought one for me for my bday present. That way he could use it and I couldn't get mad at him for buying it. They're quite manipulative in getting what they want. When we broke up 8 yrs later, I was packing this dvd player up and he was like "what are you doing?" I said, "this is mine, remember? you gave it to me on my bday?" He had totally forgot...since he really bought it for himself.

Yes ... pretty self involved sister there. Well, really it gets down to accepting the truth and then finally being able to laugh about it and not giving it the power.

Sure it is not real healthy to be listening to some one complain. That is a drag. But YOU Arat ... do not have to internalize her crap. It is crap. It is negative and it is her own poison. It doesn't belong to you.

The money she spends so that she can do what she wants to do which is take your daughter to a play is her problem. It is that simple. Money is not a big deal... don't get fooled by money.

I don't even think it is worth it to tell a self absorbed person who very well may be narc- disordered that they have been rude in my home. They just do not get in the door again.

When the door pushes her out let it push all of her out... the ticket and all.

You gave her a real straight up clue as to what would be an appropriate present if she chooses to go with what she wants then it is really her present to herself and her expectation of your daughter and you the mother to comply with her decisions, her desire etc. That means it is your present to her not the other way around.

It doesn't sound like your sister arrived bearing gifts but rather needs wants demands etc ... all for you to provide or to suffer because you are not meeting her expectations. Well, get past her entitlement and see the sickness of the whole thing. Wish her well and then tend to your family. That is sometimes all that can be done.

If you go through with the ticket and accomodate her demand and insistance she will know that her antics will bring forth what she wants and she will continue.

Don't allow the guise of Christmas and presents dumb you up. See what is really happening and draw boundaries. Besides, Narc, if you haven't noticed yet, love to screw up holidays. Because it isn't all about them they are saturated and motivated to make it about them. Think about this ... how this works for the self absorbed individual. You will see just why your sister has to spin all the wheels in the house so every ones mood is determined by her voice.

since she already bought the tickets, i would assume, then why put on the drama front of asking what she wants for her birthday?

its nice she bought your daughter ANYTHING for her birthday is a good way to view it, does your daughter have to see it with your sister or can she bring along anyone she wants? maybe it will turn out okay, or maybe she can sell the tickets and go shopping with the money she gets on them.

i wouldn't have your sister stay at your house anymore and if the food makes her uncomfortable, perhaps something more distant like meeting at a restaurant. actually MANY people don't play board games together because of the fighting that can ensue. how about a movie? that's a good way to occupy time without any interaction amongst people present at all?

personally, i avoid all difficult people, even if they are family.

Thanks everyone for your words. I actually told my sister that my daughter did not want the tickets and perhaps she could get a refund or take someone else and my daughter would be content to forfeit her birthday present. I was cordial and thanked her for her generosity but I am with Pageo on this one. If my sister gets what she wants she will assume that any time she pushes I will fold and that is not the message I want to send to her or my daughter. I am also encouraging my daughter to not agree to doing things she doesn't want to do just because she is afraid of upsetting someone or hurting their feelings. I'm afraid I may have been the one to teach her this and now am going to help her unlearn it. I want her to be able to grow up with strong boundaries.

It is actually interesting to observe the narcissistic qualities of my sister. I have been doing a lot of research on narcissim and find that a lot of the relationships I have formed with narcissistic people. Someone pointed this out to me actually. I am like a narc magnet and that means there is something I am doing that is drawing them to me. I realize it is not about changing them but about changing me.

It is hard for me to stand up for myself because I feel guilty or don't want to hurt people's feelings or have them mad at me. i am doing this one step at a time. Changing behavior is hard. It's like you were writing with your right hand all your life and then someone says it is healthier to write with your left. It seems so alien.