Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
I feel like my mother has tangled me in her web and there is no way of escape no matter what I do. I have done so much research and exercises to try to get out of this trap but her strings just seem to get tighter and tighter.
I thought I was doing great with minimal contact and psychological distancing but not as great as I thought.
Here's the scenario: Easter dinner. I invited her and my father to our house with a great expectation of she can't control as much there. Hmmm...not so much. Anyway from the minute she walked in the door I knew she was going to be difficult commenting on the floor needing sweeping and pulling out various articles she had clipped out for me based on whatever piece of advice she thought I needed to hear at that point. I am a single mother and I have a 17 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. Every word anyone says in her presence is subject to disagreement and argument and criticism. She bashed my son for the better part of the evening commenting that "it must be nice to be a male in this house" because I got his dessert for him. Mind you I got everyone else's dessert too! Also I let him have two pieces of pie when he didn't eat his dinner. The horror!
So the conversation turns to what my daughter is planning to pursue as a career. She replied that she was going into nursing specializing in paediatrics. My mother rolled her eyes in disgust and sighed heavily and said "you want to spend the rest of your life cleaning up other people's puke - you are too smart for that. Why don't you want to be a doctor". Seeing the tears in my daughter's eyes I jumped in to state that nursing was a very rewarding job and that she didn't want to spend all those years in school being a doctor and just because you were smart doesn't mean you have to do something you don't want to do. I know. Arguing with a narc...duh! But she wouldn't drop it and went on and on saying this job was beneath her, demeaning, not glamorous and on and on and on until my daughter ran out of the room crying. My son followed soon after. And then I was arguing with her and my Dad was arguing with her and finally I told her that if she was going to continue to be unsupportive she could leave ... which she did.
Guilt, guilt, guilt.
She called my daughter the next day and left a voicemail "apologizing" but kept saying the things she had originally said and wrote me an email where "she failed to see" why she had to apologize for saying my daughter was "brainy" and nursing was beneath her. She also slipped in the fact that she was "not such a good mother" like I was.
Double guilt.
I wrote her back and told her that I loved her and I thought she loved us the best way she knew how and if she thought she was a bad mother there were things she could do to rectify things. I also said that I cannot allow her negativity to affect my children or myself anymore and from this point forward if she said anything I considered hurtful I would either walk away, hang up the phone, or leave.
I haven't heard from her since.
I feel good for having stood up to her but I am crippled by the guilt I feel. When I was younger she used to say to all of us kids (4) that she was a horrible mother and that she would be better off dead. So now I have all these fears that I went too far and that she might do something to herself and it is taking all my willpower not to call and apologize or ask her if she hates me. The way people look at me if I tell them this story like I am some sort of psychopath who is so mean to her mother. Everyone at my work has loving families so they have no idea.
I feel so guilty I can barely breathe. I feel like her hold on me will never end no matter what I do:(
I thought I was doing great with minimal contact and psychological distancing but not as great as I thought.
Here's the scenario: Easter dinner. I invited her and my father to our house with a great expectation of she can't control as much there. Hmmm...not so much. Anyway from the minute she walked in the door I knew she was going to be difficult commenting on the floor needing sweeping and pulling out various articles she had clipped out for me based on whatever piece of advice she thought I needed to hear at that point. I am a single mother and I have a 17 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. Every word anyone says in her presence is subject to disagreement and argument and criticism. She bashed my son for the better part of the evening commenting that "it must be nice to be a male in this house" because I got his dessert for him. Mind you I got everyone else's dessert too! Also I let him have two pieces of pie when he didn't eat his dinner. The horror!
So the conversation turns to what my daughter is planning to pursue as a career. She replied that she was going into nursing specializing in paediatrics. My mother rolled her eyes in disgust and sighed heavily and said "you want to spend the rest of your life cleaning up other people's puke - you are too smart for that. Why don't you want to be a doctor". Seeing the tears in my daughter's eyes I jumped in to state that nursing was a very rewarding job and that she didn't want to spend all those years in school being a doctor and just because you were smart doesn't mean you have to do something you don't want to do. I know. Arguing with a narc...duh! But she wouldn't drop it and went on and on saying this job was beneath her, demeaning, not glamorous and on and on and on until my daughter ran out of the room crying. My son followed soon after. And then I was arguing with her and my Dad was arguing with her and finally I told her that if she was going to continue to be unsupportive she could leave ... which she did.
Guilt, guilt, guilt.
She called my daughter the next day and left a voicemail "apologizing" but kept saying the things she had originally said and wrote me an email where "she failed to see" why she had to apologize for saying my daughter was "brainy" and nursing was beneath her. She also slipped in the fact that she was "not such a good mother" like I was.
Double guilt.
I wrote her back and told her that I loved her and I thought she loved us the best way she knew how and if she thought she was a bad mother there were things she could do to rectify things. I also said that I cannot allow her negativity to affect my children or myself anymore and from this point forward if she said anything I considered hurtful I would either walk away, hang up the phone, or leave.
I haven't heard from her since.
I feel good for having stood up to her but I am crippled by the guilt I feel. When I was younger she used to say to all of us kids (4) that she was a horrible mother and that she would be better off dead. So now I have all these fears that I went too far and that she might do something to herself and it is taking all my willpower not to call and apologize or ask her if she hates me. The way people look at me if I tell them this story like I am some sort of psychopath who is so mean to her mother. Everyone at my work has loving families so they have no idea.
I feel so guilty I can barely breathe. I feel like her hold on me will never end no matter what I do:(
It sounds to me like you were very brave to have your mother over for Easter. She sounds even worse than my mother in terms of her insensitivity and narcissism, quite an accomplishment.
I am a mental health professional, which is of little help in my dealing with my own situation with my mother, who fortunately lives 1200 miles away. My contact with her is limited to weekly obligatory phone calls and occasional painful very short visits as infrequent as possible.
It has taken me forever, 65 years, to get a little more grasp of how toxic she is for me. The sound of her voice is enough to rattle me at this point. I think what happens with each contact with her that a huge number of things from my past with her get stirred up by everything she says, including things that I'm not even in touch with.
Again your mother trumps mine from your account so I don't see anything at all unusual or wrong about avoiding contact with her.
I know it is hard but I try to operate on the principle that we owe our parents nothing, but owe ourselves not to allow further damage to ourselves or our children.
My mother is still in my life, the weekly phone calls and that is more than I can handle most of the time.
I wish I had more answers, but I cannot see anything positive about subjecting you and your children to that kind of treatment. And like my mother I doubt if there is any point reasoning with her. It sounds like her disturbance is engrained as part of her personality that could only change if she had some discomfort with it which she obviously doesn't. So the less contact the better. Finding people who can support you in taking that position can help.
Zanesville
Thing is, it's impossible to be a good enough daughter when your parent is an N. N's are so negative and can make any event--particular holidays, which we have expectations for-- painful.
I had found with my N Dad things worked a little more smoothly if I could just remain calm and firm with him. "I understand what you're saying however I will be doing such and such differently."
I still felt guilt. But over time I was able to get things a little more in control in my dealings with him.