Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
As some of you may know I've spent the last week and a half nursing H1N1 vicitms (my kids). Of course I have spent most of that time worrying sick and I'm a little stressed out. My mother was to babysit my son as I had a Halloween party to go to and this was just right after he had been sick, so this is the email I wrote her about it:
"Hey Mom and Dad,
I will be giving Talik his allergy medication (which is 24 hours so he won't need another does) and his doses of antibiotics for today. He will need a dose of his antibiotice at breakfast (5ml) - with food is best. He should take his orange puffer before bed and his blue if he needs it.
He still has some fatigue and has not been eating a lot so if you could encourage him to eat that would be great. I am still keeping a watch on him for his breathing but he seems to be on the mend and is looking especially better today. He still has a bit of a cough.
Take good care of him and thanks!!!!"
Innocent and pleasant enough. Notice this is addressed to BOTH of my parents but we know who has the upper hand. So next thing I know I get a phone call from my mother saying she ran into my son's teacher and he had told her Talik had went to a Halloween party on Friday night was that true? (invasive question) I said yes and she proceeded in berating me and saying how if her son was so sick she wouldn't let him go to a party and since my email indicated that he was still tired and not eating much that she is SURPRISED that I would let him go to the party like I was some neglectful mother. I guess defending myself and saying that I had assessed him and thought he was well enough to go to the party was a waste of breath.
Then she continues on and says why would you think that she and my father wouldn't look after him properly because I put in the line "Take good care of him" which I thougth was pretty innocent and of course she wouldn't understand that I was still worried about him and that maybe she would just reassure me. She acted like I had INSULTED her by even insinuating that she wouldn't look after him. Mind you this is the woman that when my kids were younger and I gave her instructions she would tell me that she was going to do the opposite of what I asked regardless.
Then the next day when I picked him up she started asking me if I was going to rake the leaves at my house because she had noticed they were in piles and when I said no all I wanted to do was rest she went on and on saying it was such a nice day and soon it was going to snow and then what would I do???? Blah! Blah Blah! Nag! Nag! Nag!
We live in a small town and she is so up in my business it is so irritating and frustrating! I am a grown ass adult!!!!
I was converted into a five year old again and I know better!
All these articles and books and exercises and she still has the power to make me so frustrated and cry in the blink of an eye. I am a GREAT mother and she makes me feel like a horrible one. I get worried and she laughs at me. I need support and she has NONE to give.
But I KNOW this....why can't I stop this pattern??????
Needed to vent:( Sorry.
"Hey Mom and Dad,
I will be giving Talik his allergy medication (which is 24 hours so he won't need another does) and his doses of antibiotics for today. He will need a dose of his antibiotice at breakfast (5ml) - with food is best. He should take his orange puffer before bed and his blue if he needs it.
He still has some fatigue and has not been eating a lot so if you could encourage him to eat that would be great. I am still keeping a watch on him for his breathing but he seems to be on the mend and is looking especially better today. He still has a bit of a cough.
Take good care of him and thanks!!!!"
Innocent and pleasant enough. Notice this is addressed to BOTH of my parents but we know who has the upper hand. So next thing I know I get a phone call from my mother saying she ran into my son's teacher and he had told her Talik had went to a Halloween party on Friday night was that true? (invasive question) I said yes and she proceeded in berating me and saying how if her son was so sick she wouldn't let him go to a party and since my email indicated that he was still tired and not eating much that she is SURPRISED that I would let him go to the party like I was some neglectful mother. I guess defending myself and saying that I had assessed him and thought he was well enough to go to the party was a waste of breath.
Then she continues on and says why would you think that she and my father wouldn't look after him properly because I put in the line "Take good care of him" which I thougth was pretty innocent and of course she wouldn't understand that I was still worried about him and that maybe she would just reassure me. She acted like I had INSULTED her by even insinuating that she wouldn't look after him. Mind you this is the woman that when my kids were younger and I gave her instructions she would tell me that she was going to do the opposite of what I asked regardless.
Then the next day when I picked him up she started asking me if I was going to rake the leaves at my house because she had noticed they were in piles and when I said no all I wanted to do was rest she went on and on saying it was such a nice day and soon it was going to snow and then what would I do???? Blah! Blah Blah! Nag! Nag! Nag!
We live in a small town and she is so up in my business it is so irritating and frustrating! I am a grown ass adult!!!!
I was converted into a five year old again and I know better!
All these articles and books and exercises and she still has the power to make me so frustrated and cry in the blink of an eye. I am a GREAT mother and she makes me feel like a horrible one. I get worried and she laughs at me. I need support and she has NONE to give.
But I KNOW this....why can't I stop this pattern??????
Needed to vent:( Sorry.
Your a good mom, try not to let your mother make you feel anything otherwise! Part of the N Mothers traits is that they feed off of seeing us emotionally upset and causing turmoil! Still... I know the patern is hard to break, if it wasn't, we wouldnt be here on DS!
I'm glad I live a whole state away from my NM! I'm here anytime you want to talk :-)
Then she continues on and says why would you think that she and my father wouldn't look after him properly because I put in the line "Take good care of him"
So simple, so no accusing. If you thought they were in capable of taking good care of him, you would not be taking him there to begin with.
I have a cousin with Narc tendencies (have not fully diagnosed her yet ..LOL) Anyway, I posted some pictures from GRADE school on Facebook. One was a pic of brother and I wrote: Brother in his David Cassidy years because he really looked like DC in that pic.
So my brother writes under the pic: Hey at least there is proof that I was skinny once. Which I thought was funny and I write below that: Weren't we all?
So my cousin sees the pictures and calls me SCREAMING wanting to know did my brother think he was the only person that used to be skinny? And I was like what???? It reminded me of one of the Narc books were the Narc would take a simple comment and twist and and turn in it to something so diffrent.
My brother was simply commenting: Hey I used to look good. And my cousin decided he was insulting her. REALLY WEIRD how the twist and turn things.
You know why your mother knows how to push your buttons? Because she sewed them on ....
LOL a litlte psych humour!!!
I know that if I make contact with my mother I have to be prepared to work. All verbal work. There is no space to just be me relaxed. So, mother time is work time until the new habits are well rehearsed.
Every child deals with this to one extent to anther but for those of us who have controlling parents they do not enjoy letting go of the control or more to the point they do not so you have to take it.
Since you have to ask your parent for assistance that makes it tough. I know I have absolutely become self efficient so that I do not need to ask my mother for anything because if I do it puts her into the position of power and she abuses her power and she lacks boundaries.
My therapist said to me ...when I told him such and such is pushing my bottons and he replied .."change your buttons. That was the answer and I didn't figure out how to do this for some time and I am still changing my buttons. This is where all the reading in the world doesn't do a thing. Knowing and intellectualizing helps none. the actual work and effort that goes into changing buttons requires effort on the behalf of self awareness as well as becoming the parent you always wanted. When one becomes their own healthy parent the old unhealthy one doesn't have a grip.
The stuff my mother comes up with is outrageous. It becomes humorous and it doesn't hold a lot of energy for me because my energy is going into my own thing. the parent no longer can probe and mess with the child. This is a significant part of the process in my view and experience which still is active today. It is never done. Growing up and OUT is a life long journey. Becoming individual and no longer an extension of the parent. Their is grieving and reclamation.
Peace...
Pageo you said something about changing the buttons so that our mothers cant trigger us anymore, how did you change them? My mother knows what all my buttons are, and shes SO good at knowing how and when to push them, i would love to not have anything about her bother me at all ever again!
I will make a separate post to express my experience.