My father is an alcoholic. He's also a winemaker--soon to retire--and was the only income source for our family, growing up.

He's a quiet reserved man who even when sober didn't give me or my sister much attention, especially once we entered our teen years.

He was never a wildy volatile drunk like many others dealt with, but he was emotionally and verbally abusive all into my chilidhood. I can recall many arguments he started with my mother, sister or me when we were young. He'd shame us for no reason whatsoever and project his gult onto us. But as I child I didn't understand that. I didn't understand that he was saying those things and behaving that way because he drank too much. No one told me that. Imagine being picked on a child by your parnet and not kowing why (you don't have, to, I know. That's why you're here.) Naturally you assume then that it must somehow be your fault. So when I was a girl and we'd all be at the dinner table, and he'd start to stare at me (my place-setting was across from him) I could feel something was brewing but I didn't know what and my mind would race for explanations. What did I do wrong? Why do I feel guilt.

"Why don't you spend as much time playing piano as you did with your horses? You know how important that is to Daddy. I guess you just don't love me anymore. " Then he'd turn to my mother "She just doesn't love me. I don't know why. I provide her a nice home, toys...but she can't do this to make me happy." Generally that was the nature of his bullying. With my mother it was more overtly abusive and viscious. He is a mean drunk.

To add to the seething resentment, he has everyone else fooled; relatives are none-the-wiser. He dones a phony facade during holidays, playing the kind hospitable host to everyone except his wife and kids. He saves his true, dark, brooding eerily quiet, never knowing if/when he's going to erupt abuse for us. 

He reserves drinking only in the evenings but usually by dinner time he's totally baked.

Save for a couple Christmas's or the odd moment where I've had enough and argued with him about it, usually in defense of my mother whom he was bullying, no one has calmly or otherwise approached him about it. My mother says she has conversations with him but as you all know, that does very little. She never had the courage to make any ultimatems or leave, because as I mentioned, he was he only source of income. Though she had plenty of family she could have depended on. I resent her for that too, but that's a different post for a different time.

Perhaps because he's facing his mortality more, he's been moderating with some surprising success, saving driking for the weekend. But even then he drinks more than he should. I feel the arrested trauma in my body resonate like a chemotherapy to cancer when he drinks. It's so triggering; the feeling of fight or flight is utterly visceral. And I know eventually he'll lapse back into his old drinking patterns.

It wasn't until much later in my life (I'll be 34 next month) that I slowly began to realize how growing up amid the dysfunction he created traumatized me and led to certain thoughts patterns and behaviors in myself. I'm finally seeking therapy. I, myself, am an alcoholic in recovery; I've had 4 years at most. I relapsed and now have almost 10 months. But I'm not blaming him for my addiction; don't misunderstand me. I do believe, though, that toxic behaviors like loyalty beyond what's appopriate, choosing relationships doomed to fail or that have some sort of distance factor, eagerness to please and put others before me, among others are directly correlated with the unpredictability he raised me and my sister in.

Now the holidays are upon us and I want to be excited, but there is a part of me that borders on vitriolic, knowing he's going to drink himself silly and ruin Thanksgiving and Christmas. I want to address him and tell him in a calm manner that I won't tolerate it anymore and I'm talking to my mother and sister about it too.

I know I should try and let it be; it's not for my to control. If he drinks himself silly that his choice. But when he starts to bully people that's when I can't stand by and watch. I am so livid just thinking about it. There are days I fantasize about slapping the ever-living s*** of out of him.

I really needed these words out of me and read by people who can truly understand.

Thank you for taking the time to read.