Mom,
I am also a recovering alcholic. There is a guy at meetings here, that, upon hearing someone say what you did, always replies. "What a great opertunity for spiritual growth." And the whole crowd moans and groans. But, you know he is right.

I would call your current relationship toxic. Sometimes, when two sick people first meet the relatonship works even if it does have toxic elements. It works only until someone changes. You sobered up. You changed.

I too had been in a toxic relationship with a woman I could not please, (Sort of like my mother) for years. I stayed because I was afraid of being totally alone. When I sobered up, my relationships all changed, including the one with her. We split. I am still single, and happier than I have ever been in my life.

My greater power only wants me to do a couple of things. Love and serve. That includes loving myself. That is very hard to do. I first started out to just try to accept myself as I was, then as I made amends and grew through the steps, I began to think I was really OK. Then I figured out that there was a difference between establishing borders to protect myself, and selfishness and became more healthy. I really do like me today. I am saying all of this because I would strongly recommend you go through those steps, before making some decision about your future with your spouse.

Now I can believe it when others say they like or love me. Before I learned to love myself, I thought anyone else who said they liked me would run away when they discovered how defective I really was.

Also, once I accepted and liked yourself, I felt a freedom and independence such as I had never felt before.

Sounds to me as if you are growing. Just you wait. A lot of really wonderful things are yet to come. Keep it up. It is a simple program for complicated people. Because it is simple, that does not mean it is easy.

Luvyz
Crusty

Thanks... Great reply Crusty!!!


I would strongly suggest you start going to Ala-non meetings. Get yourself stronger so go can make a change. I am in a bad situation myself and we have to get stronger so we can make this move. We do not deserve to be treated poorly. I am here for you if you need to talk. Big HUGS!! LisaACOA

There is a book called "The twelve steps for anyone who wants them"! It's a great book that I highly recommend. Crusty and Lisa are both right. Hun, you can't do it alone. You need the support of alanon members who are in the same boat as you are. It will be difficult but it will help you tremendously.
When I feel overwelmed, I say a simply prayer placing all of my problems in the hands of my higher power. He knows what we need and he will help. We only need to have faith and ask. It is easy to do and cost nothing. Good luck and I will pray for you, Hugs TC Bob

Thanks so much Crusty. I have been there. I can relate so well to this post and had forgotten all of this. I only hope I can hang on to it. I had done this before and it was the reason I felt I had control of my life for the first time ever, it was awesome. Then I had a serious medical condition, was in a coma for 9 days and not breathing on my own. I awoke and have been trying to figure things out all over again, it's been like everything I had learned and new were lost. That was 15 years ago, I have struggled again ever since. This has made me realize what I had forgotten how to do. My emotions are in so much turmoil right now. I feel excited, sad, scared, angry, happy, and all while I am crying. Wow, overwhelmed. I have been looking for this for so long, thank you. I will be me again very soon.