My mother lies about our estrangement. She has said that she "has no idea" why we didn't speak for 4 years. Despite knowing she is lying, I felt angry, deflated, stupid, immature. Like it had all been for nothing. Like I was holding my breath like a silly child hoping to get her way. Maybe for my mother she really does have no idea. Her denial and alcoholism may have corroded her brain to the point that she has forgotten, or blocked out, why we were estranged. But then I gotta ask myself why a mother wouldn't say, "Hey what's going on here? Where's my child? Why aren't we speaking?" No. She knows exactly how the cow ate the cabbage. Her narcissism won't allow her to acknowledge the reality of the situation. But you can bet she tells anyone who will listen about how her ungrateful, judgmental daughter has cut her out of her life for no apparent reason. Probably just to be cruel. Oh poor me, poor me.
In my situation there were also many warning signs and reasons. But people with personality disorders typically don't see anything past themselves so for my mother, there was no reason. When I was in high school I did a little experiment; don't volunteer any information about myself. Nothing. Not a word about my day, my thoughts, my feelings, what I ate, nothing. And see how long it would take her to ask me a question about myself. I quit keeping track after a week. In 7 days she didn't ask me one single question about myself. "Did you sleep good?, How was your day?, Any homework?"
After periods of coming back together after our initial estrangement I am right back where I started. I feel wiser in a way, more foolish in others. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I let her fool me far more than once. It's been 4 months and I know this time that it's over. No death or birth or bankruptcy or millions is going to change my mind again.
Thanks for giving me a place to get this out and share. It's good to know that A) I'm not crazy and B) that I'm not the only one. I'm not just completely unlovable as a human.

Kelani,

My mother has been telling blatant lies about me since I was a child. I'm sure she is also telling everyone how ungrateful and evil I am, when those are the words that actually describe her! I like the comment how how the cow ate the cabbage...Ha! Ha!...

You really triggered emotion in me when you wrote about your experiment. Before I estranged from my mother, I started seeing how she never asked about my life. She only called to gossip about my siblings and other people in her life. She had no clue that my daughter was in Girl Scouts or that my son was playing football. I wanted so badly to share that with someone, and I hoped she'd ask about her grandchildren, but she never did. She always ended our talks with tell them she said hi and loved them. She couldn't bother to tell them that herself. Why? Because it was a lie. My children are not babies (14 and 11), and even had their own cell phones.

I am so glad we are hear together to share and help each other and remember you are lovable. We are all lovable.

Sorry for typos in last post

My mother disowned me when my father died. She blamed it all on me telling a bunch of lies. I reconnected with her. She never really wanted back in my life.
She never called me. It was a one sided relationship I did all the work. I would tell her I loved her and she never replied. I finally couldn't take the rejection any more so I went back to no contact.It as been a month.I am feeling like a new person. I don't miss the constant put downs. I wish I would have found this group sooner. It is a comfort to know there is some place where people understand what I am going through.Thanks for sharing your story. We are loveable and deserve to be loved.

Hugs AnnaMarie

My parents try to lie but most people can't really believe it even though, I do seem kind of nuts. I can't let their hurtful words make me grumpy. Instead, I turn on the charm and get everyone liking me with compliments or jokes about my air headed parents, that someone should pull on their ear lobe and release some of that air cause it's killing their brain cells; no kid would just walk out on their parents for no reason. It's actually selfish to frame the kid as bad and act like the child owes them something. A parent who loves their child do things to make them happy, not do things to hold an obligation over their heads; that's slavery.

Point is, I use charisma, insults, or logical arguments to debunk their BS so... they don't lie much anymore because I got more people on my side. A good strategy is to be charming. If you're not charismatic, then find someone who is and introduce them to your family to win favors.

When family members ask me about it, I tell them the truth of what happened. That my parents are abusive and the proof is in how both of their kids hate them, 2/2 - that's 100% failure as a parent there; that's proof it's not a genetic defect/mental disorder they claim I have.

I am on both sides of this. I know how it feels to be both the mother and the daughter. I tried to reach out to my mother. It was futile. I try hard to not be my mother, and I don't think I am. I'm not one to bury my head in the sand. I look at myself when things aren't right. I ask myself the questions: What did I contribute to this damaged relationship? What could I have done differently? Same thing with my daughter. I ask the same questions. I try to evaluate what it is about me that causes the rifts between my daughter and I, and my mother and I. After all, I am the common denominator. I try to be the best person I can be. I always seem to fail. I am the only one who claims responsibility and that in itself makes me confused. Because while I acknowledge my faults, neither my mother or my daughter accept any blame. I told my Aunt "It can't be that it's everyone else and not me." I see more anger than concern here. That makes me sad because I am not angry at my mother. I am hurt by her. I forgive her. I don't allow her the opportunity to continue hurting me. I consider her own strict upbringing. Then I think about my grandmother (her mother). She was so kind to me and I remember as a child wishing SHE was my mother. I am just so confused. I am having a hard time with all of this.

mybestsucks It is a hard thing to deal with. I don't think I will ever totally get over what has happened. We need to reminder we did the best we could. We can't make someone what a relationship with us. I can't help but think what doesn't make you stronger kills you. I have never feel so sad in my entire life. i really think I do better with death than a
estrangement. It least I know when someone dies they are with God.

Hey all...have been away from DS for a long time, and don't post much, so I hope you don't mind me jumping in.
RE: Lies
I've been estranged from my family for some time now, and am at peace with this. It became tme to e rid of abusive people in my life and move on...not an easy process.
However, one thing that amazes me time and again is the lies my family tells about me, STILL....

We've been estranged for a long time (long abuse history) but appearances are important...so at the moment I am truthfully disabled due to an Immune Disorder, PTSD and a couple of auto-immune disorders, and have gained some weight (thanks Prednisone!). However, various people will ask me how it is to be going back to college, or how I like my new job, or how I like Weight Watchers...I'm too old now to go along with the lies. I just say "I'm sorry, I'm not working right now. I have a serious Immune Disorder thart requires Transfusions and am not able to work at this time" and then let that person deal with my family's lies however they choose to...
Does it ever end though? How much no-contact does it take to become just a thought in the back of someone's mind? I don't get it.

Mybestsucks....I feel for you. I have been hurt by my family...I don't know if I hate them, years, distance and therapy have mellowed me out some, but I don't know that forgiveness is something I can do...just don't know that I can forgive abuse. I can accept my childhood for what it was and move on, and only allow healthy people into my life, but that's about as far as I go...at least at this time.

Anyway, thanks for reading...never ran into other people with this issue...Wish you didn't have this problem, but it was good to be able to have some folks to identify with
:) Anna

It is so exhausting doing all of the work in a one-sided relationship. Especially when that person (my father) cares only about himself & his wife. He could care less what is happening in my life yet I made effort after effort to keep him in it. I was the one going out of my way & he was the one who sat back like a king who demanded that everyone do everything his way or the highway. I watched him cut people out of his life (family, friends, clients) every time they would disagree with him on anything. Those who are afraid of him & would not dare disagree with anything that he does or says, he keeps close & would do anything for them. I am the oldest of 5 kids & I have always stood up to my father. For that reason, he always kept me at arms length. He was very abusive to all of us growing up but we all tried to put that in the past & have relationships with him as adults. You would think he would be grateful. But he has erased his entire past until he married his new wife. Its amazing! He has no memory of anything before her. Like the abuse never happened. Whenever I would see him, it was always about him and his wife. He had no interest in my life or the lives of anyone else in our family. He has been attacking my brother & his family for 5 years for no reason. He claims he was "disrespected" and is demanding an appology. The entire family has been trying to make peace between them for 5 years. Even my brother tried several times (yet he refused to appologize for something he did not do). My father would have none of it. He wanted to continue the fighting!? What father does that? Parents are supposed to want to keep their families together! My brother & I did everything in our power to bring our family together but my father refused to let it happen. I could not take it anymore so I walked away from my father 5 months ago. He sent me a horrible letter and I have not heard from him since. In my book, if you want a relationship with your daughter, you do the work! You don't make her do it all & sit back like a king who expects his kids & grandkids to bow to him.

Carley i agree with you. I am so sorry you have to be in this situation. Hugs AnnaMarie

I have no idea what she says of our estrangement, we have an ocean between us.
She lies about everything else about my existence, so I'm very sure she'll lie about this too.